Her Fearful Symmetry
by apeacockineverythingbutbeauty
Summary: Jane has never been quiet or complacent but jumping into a relationship with Maura has her questioning all her beliefs. She loves Maura and wants to make things work but what if they jumped in too soon? Don't get me wrong, this is complete Rizzles, but Jane Rizzoli is NOT being quiet about not knowing what this does to her. Will have a Rizzles ending.
1. Her Fearful Symmetry

**This is my first attempt at a Rizzles story. My hope for this story isn't to break apart Rizzles but to explore the more human qualities I've seen on the show. From all I know of Jane, she wouldn't be content to just let the relationship with Maura work, she'd fight tooth and nail against it- even if it felt completely right. And Maura, sweet Maura, would do whatever she could but ultimately respect Jane's wishes, and do anything to make her feel safe and secure. So when safe and secure for Jane means no longer being with Maura, how can she react?**

**The concept isn't to tear the two apart, the concept is this canon of: maybe we're completely right, just at the wrong time. Jane needs time to process the fact that after thirty years of her life she's suddenly attracted to this woman, and is really good at being with her. However, this new Jane and the concept of the old Jane don't fit together at all. I am aiming for a Rizzles ending- however it may take me awhile to get there, I am really looking forward to your feedback on this. It's a direction I really want to go. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!**

* * *

It doesn't happen quickly, the slow realizations over weeks and months nag at you, pulling at the corners of your conscious to see if you'll realize it's all starting to fall apart. Jane had had this feeling in the pit of her stomach for weeks now, padding barefoot through Maura's house in the middle of night after being suddenly awoken. It was almost instinct for her now, to grab her gun kept in the nightstand and check the perimeter of the house. To Jane, this was normal, constant.

Ever since Jane and Maura had admitted their feelings to each other months before everything had become a whirlwind of confusion. It was a constant cacophony of voices in their lives, Frost and Korsak who had made bets on how long it had taken them. Frankie and Tommy who had tried their best to hide the school-boy laughter because they had known all along. Then there was Angela who, despite her best efforts, was still trying to grasp the concept of a gay daughter.

_Maura had convinced her they needed to tell everyone, including Angela. They were going to tell her, eventually, as Jane had tried to phrase it. Frankie did everything he could from letting it slip, even kept kicking Tommy when he tried to make references in front of their mother. But Maura was right, as she always was, Angela needed to know and only Jane could tell her._

_So she asked her over to Maura's that night for a mother-daughter evening of gnocchi and wine, maybe even a romantic comedy. Jane knew that things were moving along with her mother and Sean Cavanaugh and hoped her mother might confide in her where they were progressing to. She also hoped that if her mother could open up about her life, maybe she would be better prepared to deal with Jane's new bombshell. _

_Angela had been more than enthusiastic when Jane asked her over, Maura was even going to be away at a conference and the pair would have the house to themselves. The concept of "girl talk" was weighing on her the most- Angela had known Jane was talking to Casey again and hoped beyond anything her daughter would finally confide in her._

_When the two ended up meeting that night, bringing forth both their expectations of the night, both were severely disappointed in the other. They made the normal small talk and inquiries about each other's days, Jane constantly checking her phone, sending off texts to Maura who sent her support and words of encouragement from states away, Angela who kept replaying the way Sean had personally walked her to car that night. So when the time came, neither knew how to react._

"_Ma, there's a reason I asked you here tonight."Jane said feebly, allowing all her nerves to creep into voice. "There's something I need to talk to you about."_

_It was a deeply confusing and unsettling feeling for Jane, to be so nervous about something- about words no less. She'd never felt this self-conscious, even when dealing with Hoyt or Marino. No, those were tangible emotions- fear, adrenaline, things that could be quantified and measured, feelings Maura had spent many times outlining and explaining to her. But nervousness, even Maura couldn't expel the butterflies in this stomach._

"_Of course, Jane. You know you can talk to me about anything." Angela grabs her coffee mug and sits down at the breakfast bar. Jane stands by the sink._

"_You know I've been talking to Casey…" She stops suddenly, thinking this is the completely wrong way to approach it. How can she break her mother's heart, telling that Casey made her realize exactly how she feels for Maura?_

_Angela waited as the thoughts shot through Jane's brain, seeing the concentration on her face. "Jane, honey, just spit it out. You know I support your decisions."_

_Jane's eyes went directly to hers, the fear was clear in them, writing a novel across her face. This expansive dose of words was a double edged sword and Angela saw it coming. What would hurt her, would end up hurting Jane. "Ma, I'm not dating Casey." Jane said slowly._

"_You're not? How come? You two were perfect! Remember when you were fifteen..." Angela trailed off, smiling fondly at old memories._

"_Because I don't love him in that way anymore. Casey will always have a special place in my heart but we've both changed so much. I've lived through so much, and despite Casey's injury in Afghanistan, there's just too much we can't get passed."_

_Angela's face was deep in thought, Jane could tell exactly where her mother's thoughts were going. Because isn't that what was going to make them stronger? Jane's shooting, near misses with Hoyt, the bombings? Weren't her experiences similar to his in Afghanistan? Didn't they both have some form of PTSD to suffer through together? Were they not the two best people for each other simply because they could understand the combined tragedies? _

"_Jane- can't you just talk to him about it? I'm sure you have much more in common than you know." She was quiet, being sweet even. Her daughter's happiness depended on it._

"_I've already found someone else…" The words were barely a whisper but loud enough for Angela to rethink everything she had been planning to say. She was replaying every encounter in her head, thinking of when Jane would have time for this mysterious new man. Between her casework and spending time with Maura there was no time for anyone else, this was the first time she'd even had an evening alone with Jane in months. _

"_Who?" She asked. They were going to figure it all out, settle the score and be honest with each other, Angela was determined in this fact. But as Jane clamped her eyes tight and looked away as the single tear streamed down her cheek she knew this was different. Jane's body was rigid, she was gripping the counter behind her with such force, and she looked like she vibrated with nerves._

"_Ma, you have to understand that things are very confusing right now. Neither of us are sure, when or even how it happened. But we're happy and we love each other and we just want your support." Slowly Jane started to look at her mother. The way her eyes burned holes into hers and the way her lips were slightly parted, waiting for the bad news to reach her ears. Her arms were crossed on the counter in front of her, playing with the coffee cup as a defense mechanism but she was just as stiff as Jane felt._

"_Janie, just tell me his name." Jane's phone chirped on the counter, they could both read the screen, it was a text from Maura. Angela ignored it and looked patiently at Jane as she walked forward to the island. Stopping, she placed her hands flat upon the counter and looked at the scars there before whispering what her mother dreaded and never even saw coming._

"_Maura."_

"_Yes, she just sent you one of those text things." Angela said, trying to get Jane back on track._

"_No, Ma. I'm seeing Maura. I'm in love with Maura." Jane saw Angela's face go blank and stare at her daughter as if she were speaking a foreign language. Angela tried to speak a few times but ended up staring at Jane for thirty minutes before simply standing up, grabbing the bottle of wine, box of tissues, and headed toward the guest house. "Ma? Are you okay? Say something, anything! Please? You're never speechless, you always have something to say."_

_Angela turned, prepared completely to tell her daughter the thoughts running through her head but how could she hurt Jane that way? No. When Maura got home, the three of them would sit down and discuss this ridiculous behavior and sort it all out. But for now, Angela just needed to leave, to go to her home, graciously provided by Maura, drink wine and cry. She shook her head and walked out the door, leaving Jane standing alone in the living room._

Jane stopped, staring out the window at her mother's guest house, vividly remembering that night. The way Angela had looked like all the fight had just been drained from her body and the three hour phone call with Maura. She could never break down like that again, never let her mother make her feel so wrong and miserable and worthless again.

But there was always the voice in the back of her head wondering if maybe her mother was right. Maybe it was just something that Jane felt she needed to do next. The way they had become such close friends had always stirred a few heads, the innocent touches and public gestures. The hugs that seemed to last a second too long for mere friendship, the way they could only console each other, how Jane could always be vulnerable in front of Maura but no one else. How they would sit watching TV, always touching, or the sleepovers that always seemed completely innocent but Jane had to really wonder which one of them kept rolling over to the other.

The night she woke up with Maura securely next to her, Jane's arms around her, the big spoon to Maura's little. Maura played the incident off as something reflexive to both of them, perhaps they hadn't realized who exactly they were sleeping with. She blamed all the beers Jane had the night before, but it was never her fault. It was never anybody's fault, they just seemed to be attracted to each other.

It was almost ironic the way Jane had gone weeks after that incident thinking of all the things she did absentmindedly with Maura that she had never done with anyone, not even Casey. And she realized that she really did have feelings for Maura, the ones that made her heart rate faster and cause sweaty palms and all. Everything Maura had taught her about physical markers of attraction came back and she had to try and hide them every day she saw Maura.

But Maura was too smart for that, she knew Jane was starting to see them in more than just a friendship type way. She'd been counting the sleepovers and touches and when Maura fell asleep on her shoulder while watching TV. Maybe Jane was onto something, Maura didn't see anything wrong in these notions. Boarding school had been all female for her, and she didn't know any other way of behaving with a best friend. It was all innocent, wasn't it?

Yet something nagged at her in the way Jane started reacting to them, as if something more could be happening. The gears were turning inside Jane Rizzoli's head and Maura wasn't sure which direction they were leading, so started counting herself. She started seeing the way Jane was beautiful even in her pantsuits, and how every time she came down to the morgue Jane was always checking her pulse and trying to control her sweaty palms. Maura was realizing maybe Jane had feelings for her, and maybe Maura had feelings for Jane too.

_It seemed like fate, the way they did it. They were sitting in their booth at the Dirty Robber after a particularly gruesome murder. A husband who's cheating wife was leaving him for her pilates instructor. The husband had killed them both and then tried to blame it on other lovers. But the crime solving duo had not been deterred from the truth. _

_Maura sat at the table, playing with her sweet potato fries and mint leaves, trying to form coherent sentences that would explain how she felt. Jane nibbled at her cheeseburger, wishing she had paid more attention in English class. Maura was so sophisticated, maybe if she had prepared some Shakespeare or a poem it would make her be okay with this bombshell but Jane had no patience. And yet Jane was so simplistic, maybe just coming out and saying it plainly would be best. _

"_Jane." "Maura." They said each other's names at the same time. They smiled sheepishly at one another before motioning for other to go first. And yet, together they tumbled over the edge. "I'm in love with you." The echo left them both speechless. Had they really said it? Had they really said it at the same time? Had they really just told each other it was okay?_

Jane was now locking all the doors again, making sure Maura would be safe but the feeling was still there. Reliving all these memories every night was taking its toll on her. Everyone could see it happening plainly, she figured most of them thought her late nights were due to the "honeymoon phase" Maura and she were going through.

But Jane and Maura both knew there was something else here. Jane was having such huge identity crises that she was so unsure of who she was with Maura. And Maura seemed completely unperturbed, as if she had always expected Jane to fit into this niche in her life that seemed to only fit her. They had already moved into Maura's home together but the way Jane hadn't gotten rid of her apartment worried her. Jane tried to reason with her that it was something to do with the lease and the large amounts of money that would have to be paid to get out of it and Maura offered to pay them expectantly but Jane refused. It all seemed so alarming now.

Yet the couple had always expected the first weeks would take some definite adjustment period, but they were both becoming frustrated. Jane with the fact that her entire life seemed upside down, she was having trouble closing cases and tackling perps, she seemed to have lost her fire and tenacity. Frost and Korsak refused to say anything about it though they had both noticed it. Cavanaugh always seemed to be down her throat about this or that mistake and how it was completely uncharacteristic of "his detective Rizzoli". Frankie was outshining her in the drug unit with Martinez, and while completely proud of him, she felt defeated by how easily he had surpassed her.

Maura was frustrated that she wasn't blending well with Jane. They still argued and Jane often ended up sleeping on the couch. They would make up but it seemed like they had more problems now than ever before. Maura did the best she could to make Jane feel at home, she arranged an entire side of her closet just for Jane's clothes, let her add her own personal touches to their bedroom. They had blended so effortlessly in the beginning and now the strain came.

And they were sitting there blaming each other for it. Jane for Maura making her lose her control and overall badass skills. Maura for Jane not putting enough energy and effort into making their relationship work. Yet neither of them said anything. They kept on as if the problems would sort themselves out, as if Frankie and Tommy would convince Angela that nothing had changed.

Jane rounded the corner of the hallway and headed up the stairs into Maura's bedroom. She saw the sliver of light from under the door and knew Maura was awake. She had been gone maybe fifteen minutes but Maura always knew when Jane disappeared from their bed and constantly worried about her. Jane pushed the door open gently and saw Maura's form, stopping cold.

Her girlfriend was sitting up in bed, only her night table light on, cast a soft yellow glow on the room. Maura was hastily wiping away the tears that been spilling over. There were so many emotions in this room at any given time, they never knew what to expect.

"Maur?" Jane asked quietly, softly.

Maura didn't look up, she waved Jane away and continued using her tissues. But Jane just closed the door and padded over to her, pushing her over in the bed and collecting Maura up in her arms. Jane rocked Maura softly, trying to get her to calm down but as soon as their skin touched, Maura began to sob and it broke Jane's heart to pieces. She wanted to know what it was about seeing someone you loved cry that just broke your heart, at which frequency was it set to shatter her soul?

When Maura had quieted down what felt like an hour later, Jane still continued to hug her close to her body and her heart. The soft light of dawn was starting to pour into their windows, leaving streaks on the soft carpet. Finally Maura broke free from Jane's embrace and sat Indian style on the bed just like Jane, their kneecaps touching. She reached over and took Jane's hands in hers, turning them over and over, feeling her scars.

They finally made eye contact and Jane shot her a sly smile. Maura did not return the gesture, instead she looked somberly into Jane's eyes and asked the heart-wrenching question they had been dancing around for weeks now:

"Jane? Did we rush into this too fast? Are we really meant to be together?"

It was Jane's silence that gave Maura her answers. She tried to stand up and pull away but Jane clasped her hands tightly. The signal was clear enough, Jane might not have the answers, she doesn't know if they're truly in love, she doesn't know if they should really be trying to make a relationship work, but she was _there_ and together, they'd come out strong.

In one way or another.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! I hope to hear your feedback!**


	2. Ain't No Rest For the Wicked

Maura stood in front of the bathroom mirror studying herself. There was nothing special there in particular, hazel eyes, golden blonde hair. She couldn't see what others saw in her, what Jane saw in her. There were so many other people out in the world and she was just one, one who had been fortunate enough to capture the heart of Jane Rizzoli and now- now she was losing it.

She wiped away the tears that had begun and stripped bare. Turning on the shower she stepped in, letting the warm water engulf her and wash away the pain. Maura sunk to the bottom and cried quietly to herself. Could she survive losing Jane? How would they work together now? The questions couldn't have answers until the unthinkable happened. They were still a couple, Jane hadn't explicitly broken it off- but she hadn't been one to reassure either.

Eventually Maura had regained control of herself, it wasn't like this guarded Medical Examiner to let emotions overtake her, and when they did it was a storm of monstrous proportions. She scrubbed her scalp with Jane's lavender shampoo and was washing it out when the door opened. Maura didn't look up, she knew Jane often used the sink and mirror while Maura was showering, it was almost a routine.

But this time Jane closed the door behind her and locked it. This time she crossed the bathroom, peeling off her tank top and throwing it to the floor, stepping out of her pajama pants and kicking them away, opening the door of the shower in only a pair of navy blue boyshorts. Maura stared at her, surprised. They hadn't showered together since the first weeks of being together, it had been so good back then.

Jane looked at Maura hungrily, starting at her calves up to her thighs, lingering over the v-shape at her hips, above her bellybutton and flattened stomach, up to her perky breasts, just waiting to be explored. She made eye contact with Maura, almost asking her silently if this was okay after their earlier argument. Maura simply walked toward Jane, pulling at the corners of her underwear, following them down to her ankles, kissing the insides of her legs as she did so.

Letting out a soft moan Jane pulled Maura up from the floor and pushed her into the shower. It was amazing how fast they could be entwined in each other, Jane's arms around Maura's waist, Maura tangling her hands in Jane's wild curls. Their lips crushed each other in a desperate need of passion and desire, mouths opening to allow tongues entrance. Jane's hands roamed Maura's body, making their way up to her breasts and taking her left nipple carefully between her fingers.

Maura almost buckled against Jane as she played with Maura, using one arm behind her back to support her. Jane left Maura's mouth and went for her neck, sucking and kissing and biting as she trailed down. While still massaging the left, Jane took Maura's right nipple between her teeth, playfully biting. A deep moan emanated from within Maura. Jane smiled as she sucked and played with Maura's nipples. Feeling the need to reciprocate, Maura reached toward Jane's taking them between her thumb and forefinger.

They stayed this way for minutes, until the other was moaning just from the mere friction. Jane stood up and once again was at Maura's mouth, dropping her hands to Maura's waist. Taking one hand, she trailed down Maura's center until she passed her bellybutton and cupped her sex. Breaking Jane's kiss, Maura pressed her body against Jane's, her heart rate increasing and breath becoming labored.

Jane quickly took two fingers and entered Maura, making her scream out in pleasure and surprise. Jane began massaging Maura as she propped herself up with her arms on Jane's shoulders. While Maura tended to be the one who initiated sex, Jane was always in control. This time, however, Maura surprised her by taking her fingers and massaging Jane's clitoris and her fingers worked furiously inside of Maura.

"Jane." Maura breathed, almost approaching orgasm.

"Wait for me." Jane whispered against her ear. Smiling, Maura moved from her clit and entered Jane, increasing her tempo as Jane slowed hers. The two clung to each other at the shoulders as the water poured over them. As Maura vibrated quicker and harder, Jane moaned heavily against Maura's neck. "Maura!" She squealed.

Picking up her pace, Jane copied Maura until both of them had fallen over the edge of orgasm. They clung to each other, stilled fingers still inside one another while they panted. Maura trailed kisses up Jane's neck as she smiled. Withdrawing her fingers, Jane picked up the washcloth from the ledge, pouring a small amount of vanilla body wash on it and began lathering Maura up. Maura withdrew her fingers as well and stood back from Jane, allowing her access to every inch of her skin. Grabbing the shampoo, Maura began to massage Jane's scalp, the two of them washing away all traces of their sexual experience just moments before.

For the moment, the couple was happy, living in an almost deja vu like state. Maura was unsure of just how long this would last and if Jane had engaged in sex because she wanted Maura or wanted Maura to know that she still did. They shut off the water and they exited the shower, drying each other off with towels, continuing to make sex eyes at each other. But Jane exited the bathroom and Maura sat at her vanity, applying her makeup and blow drying her hair. Jane quickly threw on clothes, kissed Maura goodbye and headed off to BPD.

Once every two weeks Maura went to work late.

She spent an hour of each morning perched upon Dr. Capshaw's leather couch pouring out her secrets. This had started about the time Maura discovered she had feelings for Jane and needed to know how to navigate the now dangerous roads of her mind. Dr. Capshaw was a blonde woman in her mid-thirties, about the same age as Maura, and therefore was a relief. While she appreciated the input and experiences of the older psychiatrists, Dr. Capshaw knew what it was like to be the rising star of her profession, to be able to add insights that were recent and had the most up to date information of her field.

So that morning Maura had planned to finally discuss Jane. While her initial reason for seeking out a psychologist was to discuss Jane and how a relationship with her may affect them both- she had instead ended up talking about her upbringing. She focused on how her mother and father were always loving and there for her, but never affectionate. Sharing tale after tale of boarding school and then medical school. Regaling the process it took to become the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. She even described her love affairs but never once had she mentioned Jane.

"Shall we start where we left off last time?" Dr. Capshaw asked, positioning herself in a large blue reading chair. Her notepad was out and pen poised, waiting for Maura to initiate the topic of discussion.

Maura sat on the sofa with her legs tucked underneath her. It was a skill she had picked up at boarding school, to sit comfortably in a skin tight dress and still reveal nothing. She played with her fingernails nervously, something very uncharacteristic of her and the doctor took note. "I've...sort of been seeing someone." Dr. Capshaw's eyes turned up, this was a very good start to their session. "And well, it's been having difficulty recently. We work together so sometimes I feel the strain of our relationship at work. I just want to be loving but I know I can't. And it's starting to feel like we jumped into this thing way too fast."

"Have you approached him with how you feel? I'm assuming it's a police officer from your line of work." Dr. Capshaw questioned.

"She's a detective." The look on Capshaw's face explained everything as soon as Maura had revealed Jane's sex. Perhaps it was such a monumental mistake to reveal herself as gay without knowing how her therapist felt on the subject. Capshaw closed her notebook and set it aside along with her pen.

"Maura. I'm not very good at lesbian relationships. My sister married her wife a few years ago and I've been completely terrible at everything. I feel so awkward around them without knowing why. They love each other just like I love my husband, the love is no different in any way. So please know I will do my best to assist you in your problems." She paused.

"That having been said, I believe that lesbian relationships and straight relationships are fairly identical in nature. You should just come out and talk to your partner about your doubts, it usually seems to work best. You two need to work through your problems, not around them."

Maura nibbled on the inside of her lip. "Jane and I...we've been partners for over three years. We've been through so much together, it starts to make me wonder if we could fall apart this easily, was our entire foundation a lie?"

"Tell me about the things you've been through." Capshaw asked as she picked up the notebook again.

"Well, when I had first met Jane, she was dealing with the serial killer Charles Hoyt. We faced him together once, in fact." Maura paused, reflecting on the terrifying scene at the prison.

"Let's talk about that for a minute. Hoyt only targeted couples, correct?" Maura simply nodded. "And he targeted both Jane and _you_. Does this speak for anything?"

"Hoyt's apprentice was there too, and knowing how Hoyt behaved, he wouldn't have wanted anyone to share Jane. I always figured it was because his apprentice needed someone while he was busy with Jane." Maura shuddered at the thought.

Capshaw thought for a moment, formulating the correct wording of her next statements. "Or perhaps Hoyt saw through the facade. You two are close and at every scene have protected each other. However, let's not dwell on that, what happened after Hoyt?"

"After Hoyt there was Marino. Frankie was really badly injured and I did everything I could to help him, Jane believes I saved his life but I didn't. I don't work on the living, I work on the dead. So when her partners showed up, Marino took her hostage and Jane managed to fight his gun downward, shooting him through herself. I was so afraid I was going to lose her."

"Did you stay with her?"

"We weren't together at the time but I was coming out of BPD when she shot herself, I was the first to reach her. I rode with her to the hospital and stayed by her side the whole time she was there. Her and Frankie shared a room which made it easier. I also think Angela would've made the hospital staff's lives a living hell if her children weren't together." Maura smiled at that thought.

"You love Angela?" Capshaw inquired.

Maura paused slightly. "Angela is a uniquely loving woman. My parents weren't affectionate, I never grew up with hugs or kisses or heart shaped peanut-butter and fluff sandwiches. So when I met Jane and Angela came along, at first I was overwhelmed with her presence but I came to deeply love Angela as a mother, yes. She considered me her daughter before Jane and I."

"Have you considered the effect your relationship with Jane could have on your relationship with Angela?" Capshaw sat back in chair and watched Maura try and formulate a response.

"Yes...Jane and I have both struggled with out decision to tell Angela. We've told Jane's two brothers who are supportive and her partners at work who had always thought we were together. Telling Angela meant we were struggling through a lifetime of Catholic upbringing and years of Jane's escapades with men. We were facing having to re-write Angela's entire concept of her daughter and of my hospitality."

"Your hospitality?"

"I've all but given my house to the entire Rizzoli family. Angela lives in my guest house, Jane is always over, at one point Tommy lived there after being released from prison. Frankie comes and goes as he pleases and I even host most of their family get togethers and a dinner every Sunday. I feel like Angela will reject my hospitality as something more."

"Is it something more?"

Maura thought on her answer for a few moments. "No. As I've stated plenty of times, my family is very wealthy, we threw money at our friends for their support, I went to boarding school as soon as I was old enough for one. So when Jane landed in my life and I had brothers and a best friend and mother who hovered and cared. So it seemed completely normal for me to do what my parents had done and offer as much as I possibly could. Even more."

"Why would you think Angela will refuse your hospitality as more than a familial thing? Have you tried telling her what you've just told me?" Capshaw was scribbling notes frantically.

"I'm not good at emotions. I can't quantify and measure them. I'm a woman of science Dr. Capshaw. I believe in finite things that I can dissect and explain. Family isn't explainable, that's the one thing I've learned over these past few years with Jane. People will continue to surprise and amaze you. I never know what to expect from Angela. We already tried once..."

_Maura was driving home from the airport, drumming her fingers against the steering wheel anxiously. Jane was waiting for her only ten minutes away, they could be together. She smiled at the thought of Jane wrapped up in her arms, lips pressed firmly against hers. Maura even envisioned taking Jane up to their bedroom- oh the things this medical examiner had waited a week for. _

_But she knew that there was a more pressing issue at hand- Angela Rizzoli. Angela, who felt like a mother to Maura, was packing up her guest house and threatening to leave. Where would she go? Maura had questioned Jane yesterday when she'd called. Apparently Angela was moving into Frankie's very small apartment. _

_It upset Maura greatly that Angela thought so little of her to move out while she was away. But she would have her chance to confront her shortly. Maura pulled into her driveway and slid into the garage. She took a couple minutes to compose herself before entering her home. There were too many emotions she hasn't expected- Jane was bringing out so much in her that she'd never anticipated. _

_She hadn't taken enough time before Jane shot through the garage door and was sweeping Maura up in her arms. They embraced each other, allowing their hands to roam, reacquainting themselves with each other. What had only been a week felt like an eternity. Maura's hands quickly worked their way into Jane's hair as her lips pressed firmly against Jane's. Oh how many times had they both pictured this exact scene?_

_Jane's hands went expertly under Maura's teal sweater, one teasing a nipple over her bra, the other maneuvering behind to unclasp it. _

_"Jane." Maura warned with a smile on her lips. _

_"Shh." Jane responded. "I need you, Maur."_

_Maura stopped protesting and allowed Jane to unclasp and push up her bra, revealing her hard, perky breasts. Jane pushed Maura against her car and smiled, pushing the sweater up to her armpits and taking her right nipple between her teeth. Maura moaned in pleasure, leaning heavily against the car. _

_"Jane!" Maura screamed out in pleasure, pulling Jane's hair tightly. _

_Jane moved down to Maura's jeans, popping the button in a simple gesture. Her hand went beneath Maura's lace boyshorts to find her sopping wet. _

_"Mhm, you're so wet Maur." Jane purred as she continued to stroke her center. Smiling, Jane pushed Maura's jeans down around the top of her boots, taking her underwear with it. Pushing her knees as far apart as they'd go, Jane sunk her tongue into Maura's drenched folds, circling her clit as she did so. Maura squirmed at the pleasure and Jane put one hand against her stomach and the other began massaging her nipple. _

_Maura pulled Jane's hair. "Oh god, Jane!" Jane increased in tempo, Maura continued to squirm against her. "Jane!" She screamed so close to orgasm. _

_At that moment the garage door flung open and Angela stood there fuming mad. "Jane Clementine Rizzoli!" She screamed. Jane didn't pause in her pleasuring of Maura, but Maura's head snapped around in terror. It was the worst moment for her to orgasm. _

_"JANE!" Maura gasped as she orgasmed, Jane smiling at her handiwork. She looked up at Maura's terrified face. _

_"I want both of you inside this house in two minutes." Angela spat before closing the door. _

_Jane pulled Maura's boyshorts up and then her jeans, kissing her stomach on the way up. Maura smiled at Jane while clasping her bra and pulling her sweater down. _

_"Jane, that was incredibly stupid. Your mother!" _

_"Maur, this is our house, not hers. If she doesn't want to see me making love to my girlfriend she shouldn't be bursting in." Jane said calmly kissing Maura's neck. _

_"Stop it, Jane." Maura laughed. "Lets go inside before your mother kills us."_

_They grabbed Maura's suitcases from the trunk and wheeled them into the house, leaving them by the door for the moment. Reaching over for Jane's hand, the couple entered the kitchen to see Angela sitting at the dining room table. _

_"Angela." Maura said warmly, nodding in her direction. _

_Angela made no notion of warmth when she spoke. "Girls. Can you sit please?"_

_The two exchanged a look and then sat side by side at the table, their hands still clasped. _

_"What's going on, Ma?"_

_Angela sat at the table, fidgeting with her hands. Jane knew this was something major for her mother to be all but speechless. "We need to talk about this, this _relationship_ you two think you have."_

_Maura and Jane stared at each other in shock. How could Angela think this was some phase they were going through? Or some joke they had decided to play? Had she not just seen them in the garage? "Ma- this isn't something you can try and fix, it's real. I'm in love with Maura." Jane defended their relationship but Maura felt her wall start to go up. She wasn't good with emotions, with people, this was going to be an uphill battle._

"_You've always loved men, Jane!" Her mother screeched. "You were supposed to marry Casey!" Angela began to cry._

"_I wasn't supposed to do anything. I loved Casey but I wasn't in love with him. I didn't see a future with him, I see a future with Maura." Jane squeezed Maura's hand to solidify her statement._

"_But I want grandchildren and the two of you can't give them to me." _

_Maura looked up at Angela. "I want children, Angela. We can harvest Jane's eggs and have them fertilized, I'd love to carry her child, to carry _our_ child. Just because we've found ourselves in love doesn't mean we can't give you grandchildren."_

"_Ma, you have TJ too, it's not like you'll never had another grandchild."_

_Angela looked at them both disgusted. "I don't want some test-tube baby. That's not how children, loved children, are conceived and born."_

"_I find that to be completely opposite." Maura tried. "Couples who go to lengths such as in vitro and pre-fertilization like Jane and I would do tend to have extremely loved children."_

"_What would you know about being a loved child Maura? Your father was an Irish Mobster and your mother gave up on you. You were sent to boarding school when you were seven. You know nothing of a loving family!" Angela screamed at her._

"_MA!" Jane yelled. "That was completely unacceptable. How could you say that?" _

_Maura stood up and ran up the stairs, trying to hide her tears. "Jane, I can't sit here and condone this relationship you two think you have. It's _wrong_. I refuse to live next door to that. I'm moving into Tommy's. Call me when you've realized your mistake."_

"_Ma, wait. Don't go to Tommy's. Here, take my keys, I haven't given up my apartment yet." Jane said reaching into her pocket._

"_That's the one good thing you've done." Angela said as she left the house._

Maura was caught up in the memory of Angela storming out of their lives for the last time. It had seemed like years ago that she had given up on them when it had in fact been just weeks. Dr. Capshaw had listened attentively to the parts Maura had felt comfortable enough to share and took detailed notes.

"Well." She said, interrupting Maura's internal dialogue. "Perhaps we should get the three of you in for a therapy session?"

"I doubt Angela would come, let alone listen to anything Jane or I had to say. Especially now that we're having problems, she'd probably sit there and smirk because she had told us so."

"Maura, you never know. She could be missing you two just as much as I can tell you're missing her."

Maura stood up to leave, knowing her hour was over. "Dr. Capshaw, if I believed for a second that Angela Rizzoli could be reasoned with, I would have tried everything by now. But between my work, Jane's work, and Angela's obvious attempts at ignoring us after seven months, I doubt anything will work. After all, there's no rest for the wicked now is there?"


	3. Still Learning to Love You,

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the support and reviews, its amazing to see that you guys are enjoying the story! This week's chapter turned out to be longer than anticipated, I felt the need to address Lee Thompson Young's tragic death. I know most stories will keep Frost and his character alive, and yet I did the unthinkable once again. Not only have I put the couple at odds with each other, I've also thrown in a tragic death. I hope you can forgive me, but Frost's death is exactly the linchpin needed for our couple. **

**Since the chapter was so long, I've split it in two parts, the second of which I'm hoping to get to you by Wednesday. I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"Oh gee, why didn't I think of that?" Jane playfully slapped her thigh. "If I just hope the husband is the killer, obviously he must be! Thanks, Frost!"

Frost laughed at her, it was turning out to be a tough case. A young woman had been murdered and her body dumped in a local park. There was very little forensic evidence to begin with, even what little Maura could find. The detectives were currently sitting in BRIC, going over all her financial statements and every other document they had managed to get their hands on.

She had been a ballet dancer, moving up the ranks of her company here in Boston. She had met her husband at the beginning of her career, a patron who threw money at her company and hadn't stopped once he won over her affections. They had married not even a year later. Jane believed it had been the husband, he hadn't been working as much and was constantly donating to her company and for a star performer, she made less in a season then Jane made a year.

But there hadn't been any proof.

Jane's phone beeped, signaling a text message from Frankie asking her to come down to the cafe- Ma wanted to talk. As she stood up to leave, Maura walked in, carrying a folder.

"When did you get in?" She asked, walking over to give Maura a peck on the cheek.

"About an hour ago, I would've stopped by but I didn't want to bother you." Maura just shrugged it off. When the truth had been that she hadn't wanted Jane to see her crying after her session and didn't want to talk about the emotions that had surfaced.

"Ok, I'm gonna go meet Frankie, just tell Frost what you've found." Jane released Maura and dipped out the door.

It killed her to lie so effortlessly to Maura when a simple twist of the truth sent Maura into hives. But Angela was her mother and Jane had been trying tirelessly for seven months to get her mother to come around to the idea of her gay daughter. It had been an uphill battle, Angela wouldn't even acknowledge her presence the first three months in the District One Cafe, let alone return any of their phone calls. Jane went to her apartment once, during month four, but Angela had been so mad she threatened to change the locks on Jane if she didn't give her some time and space. Reluctantly she agreed and left it at that- no more trying.

But slowly Frankie had made his way into his mother's subconscious, the way he always mentioned Jane and Maura. Angela realized that by cutting off Maura she had cut off Jane and any ties to her daughters. She had slowly realized over the first month and half every mistake she had made in the week waiting for Maura to come home. She replayed every word and every dagger she had thrown. Telling Maura she had no idea what it was to be a loved child? How would she ever be forgiven?

So she confided in Frankie, who had started to sleep on her couch making sure she was okay. Angela sat him down and told him she missed her daughters, that she wanted to make it right. Frankie assured her that they were willing to work on their relationship, that Jane missed her and Maura was just hurt. She had given them so much and the entire family took it up greedily, not even pausing to utter a simple thank you at everything she gave up for them. Angela remembers at one point wondering if Maura gave up so much because she was trying to buy herself a family.

It had been wrong and petty of Angela to think such things and to react on them when cornered and upset. She told Frankie to call Jane downstairs and have her meet her at Jane's apartment- they were going to get this settled today.

Jane had dropped Maura off at home that night, telling her she needed to drop in on Tommy and TJ. Maura had offered excitedly to come with but Jane looked her in the eyes and had to vomit up another lie. Something about planning her surprise party. Maura had swallowed the lie down like gastro esophageal reflux, burning on its way down. Maura just assumed Jane was moving on, they'd been drifting apart the past few weeks, why not cheat on her too?

And she knew Maura had a right to think so. Jane had been distant and cold, trying to wrap her head around all the changes. It was hard for Maura, to pick up on Jane's drowning sense of security. She had spent thirty-seven years believing in a life one way and then came Maura, who turned her world completely upside down. Jane never doubted for a second that she would end up spending her life with Maura, but what if they were those couples from high school? The ones who promised each other everything and then broke up when their colleges were states away only to be reunited six years later and then end up with their happily ever after. What if Jane and Maura were still in the high school phase?

Jane drug her guilty conscious up to her apartment as she knocked before opening the door. Angela stood in her kitchen, cooking gnocchi and had two beers waiting. She smiled at Jane the same way she'd smiled when she had come back from her three month undercover assignment with vice. Angela rushed over to her and pulled Jane into a tight hug, inhaling her scent and making sure there were no damages.

"Janie." She sighed with relief. She had come, she was willing to work things out.

"Ma." Jane squeezed her mother tighter. It had been so long since she'd gotten a hug from her mother even though she hated them. They separated and Angela went back to the kitchen and Jane sat at a bar stool, popping the top off one of the waiting beers. Angela stirred something in a skillet for a few minutes before turning suddenly to Jane.

"I- I miss you. And I miss Maura. And I know I've done you both wrong, I know I've shamed you both with my hurtful words." Angela started to cry. "Janie- I didn't mean it. I was hurt and shocked and surprised and I said the most hateful words ever. That's not _me_, you know that. I've spent the past seven months realizing what a tremendous bitch I've been about everything."

"Ma, it's okay. I know you just needed time to adjust, I didn't know that it would take this long though. I miss you, Maura misses you. But more importantly, she's hurt. We've both been neglecting this amazing woman."

Angela looked down at Jane as she drank her beer. "What do you mean _we_? Jane Clementine Rizzoli, if you've hurt her!"

"Whose side are you on anyway?"

Angela snorted. "I can't afford to choose sides anymore, Janie. I'm either for or against it. I'm starting to realize this slowly. There isn't a you or Maura anymore, there's a Jane and Maura. And I'm either with you guys or I'm against you. And I realized its way too tiring to be against you, I miss you too much. But I do know that Maura has given us so much and we rarely stop to say thank you, so I swear, Jane Rizzoli, if you hurt her...I'll go crazy."

Jane reached out for her mother's hand and then began sobbing. Angela hadn't seen Jane this upset since at least high school when the popular girls had made fun of her prom dress and her date had left her to kiss someone else. Jane was so closed off, so private it almost felt like a privilege to see her so broken. She knew that only Vince Korsak had seen her truly defeated when he had saved her from serial killer, Charles Hoyt, and seeing her so broken had only solidified his respect for her. But Jane had seen it differently, didn't expect people to take her seriously after having been so weak that she requested a new partner, leaving her with Barry Frost. A man who wanted so desperately to see Jane be open and honest with him but she never could.

"Mom, what if I was wrong?"

"Oh, Janie, about what?"

"About Maura! What if I was wrong? What if I'm not right for her, what if we can't make this work?" Jane collapsed against Angela, crying.

"Jane- I've never seen two people more right for each other. You've spent so many years running away from each other it was only a matter of time before you ran to each other. When you enter the room and Maura is beside you, you size up the scene, making sure there's nothing dangerous lurking. When she enters a room from the opposite direction you look at her like she's the only one in the room. And Janie, oh Janie, she does the same for you."

Angela was rubbing Jane's back while she tried to calm her down. "Jane, I'm not saying you're wrong in your fears, I'm just saying you're wrong in the conclusion. Maura is perfect for you, there's a way that you complete each other that no one else will ever be able to do. I know you're scared, and I know you're fighting it. You've never just let somebody love you, not even with Casey." Jane groaned at his name.

"Oh shut up. It's true! You're not one to just sit back and let someone take care of you. That's the reason you ended things with Gabriel."

"I ended things with Gabriel because he showed up at my undercover and shot Paddy Doyle, making me shoot him, almost ending my friendship with Maura."

"You can keep telling yourself that, Jane. But we both know Gabriel would have been perfectly happy to stay in this tiny little apartment of yours making you dinner and raising your gaggle of small children." Angela smiled at the thought. Jane sat up from her arms, allowing them to rest on her shoulders.

"A gaggle? Really? Like I would've popped out that many kids."

Angela stared her down. "I want a football team, Jane. So far I've got one. But the point is that you would've hated him for it, making you settle down and be less you. You've sabotaged every relationship you've ever been in. Don't do that to Maura, you're wrong to pull away. But I'm going to be here for you every step of the way."

Jane smiled at her mother who cupped her face gently. "Thank you, Ma. But you really need to apologize to Maura."

Jane stood up and pulled Angela in for a tight hug, kissing her on the cheek.

Maura had followed Jane to her old apartment. She knew something was going on, and it caused her all the more heartache. Why did Jane have to be like every guy she'd ever been with? Couldn't she just come out and say she wanted to see someone else? So when Maura twisted the knob quietly and pushed open the door to find Jane wrapped up in someone else's arms, she couldn't help but squeak in shock and pain.

Jane met her eyes as she cried and turned to run away. "Maura!" She called after, detangling from Angela and running after her. Jane caught her at the lobby, and grabbed her wrist.

"Just let me go, Jane. I don't want your excuses, go back up to your _bimbo_." Maura spat.

"Excuse me!" Angela said from the steps. Maura looked from Jane to Angela, a horrified expression on her face.

"You mean, you're not…?" She couldn't form a coherent sentence.

"No, baby, no." Jane said pulling Maura in tightly, smelling her hair and rubbing her back. "I've been trying to work things out with her for the past couple of weeks, I didn't think she'd be capable of not hurting you again so I didn't say anything. Because what if she wouldn't listen? What if she still hated us? I didn't want to hurt you again but I can see I've done far worse damage. I'm so sorry, Maur."

"No, Jane." Maura said quietly in her ear. "It's me who's sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you. Shouldn't have thought the absolute worst, shouldn't have followed you."

"It's okay, Maura, really. I've been secretive and lying and I gave you a reason to doubt me. To think I'd strayed from you." Jane kissed the side of Maura's neck. "I will never do that to you again."

"If you are feeling up for it Maura, I'd love to take you up to Jane's apartment, feed you and apologize." Angela said from the stairs. "Only if you are willing, though."

Maura rushed into Angela's arms, squeezing her tight. "Oh, Angela, of course I'll listen, you're already forgiven!"

Angela stared right at Jane the whole time, knowing they had both hurt Maura more than was necessary and had she not been an exceptionally forgiving person, they would have both lost her.

The next day things felt brighter and stronger between the couple. Angela was going to move back into her guest house, Frankie was taking over Jane's lease since his apartment was too small. Jane and Maura were falling back into a normal routine. It all seemed peaceful.

But in the bullpen, Frost, Korsak, and Jane were going through hell trying to solve the dancer murder. They'd found no motive in the husband or any of the other dancers. While it had been an extremely competitive company, most had loved the dancer.

"Jane, check out these emails between the victim and this company based in Paris." Frost said, swiveling his monitor around. The company was offering a spot as their prima ballerina and doubling her salary, an offer she almost couldn't refuse.

"Did she ever respond back to them?"

"Yes. It looks like she was accepting the offer even though she hadn't auditioned. She was supposed to leave tomorrow."

"I wonder if the husband and the director knew about her plan to move to Paris?"

"I don't know but her partner definitely did." Jane shot him a questioning glance. "Her male counterpart was also offered a spot. They were going to be the next big ballet coupling. Maybe her husband got jealous enough to kill her for it."

Jane thought on the theory for a while before her phone rang. "Rizzoli." She snapped into the receiver. Listening attentively she stood up and grabbed her jacket before hanging up. Frost and Korsak looked suspiciously at her.

"The male partner was just shot during rehearsal. It seems the husband WAS jealous of his wife's career." Maura appeared in the doorway, ready to go. "We need to be careful though, he's taken hostages."

They rode to the scene in silence. Jane was getting ready for the hostage situation she was about to walk into, grasping Maura's hand tightly. She couldn't bear losing Maura to a crazed lunatic even if was in their job description. Maura knew Jane would be in charge of the scene when they arrived and she needed to do what Jane told her for her sanity and safety.

The studio was set up with two entrances, so that dancers could come and go without interrupting certain staging's and allow access to the warm up area. The cruisers there ushered Maura away from Jane, saying the body was in a different studio. Korsak saw Jane's reaction and went with the medical examiner. Frost and Jane entered the other studio.

Several dancers were huddled under the barres and clutching each other. With their weapons drawn, Frost went first, checking their surrounding and reflections in the floor to ceiling mirrors. There was a large opening separating the two studios from each other. Jane could see the male dancer's dead body and Maura approaching cautiously with Korsak.

She also made out the shape of the husband, his pistol in hand. He came at them before she could speak, Frost looking in the wrong direction, but her reflexes were not fast enough to stop it. The husband fired twice, hitting Frost in and above the heart. Jane cried out at him as he fell to the ground, firing a shot at the shooter. Maura called out to Jane across the studio and the husband turned quickly, aiming for Maura.

Jane hesitated, Frost was dying before her eyes, she needed to do something. But if she saved him, Maura could die. Korsak would protect her, wouldn't let anything happen. She dropped to Frost's side, applying pressure where she could. She heard more shots, Maura crying out in pain, three more shots, a body dropping and then Maura crying out for Jane.

But Jane was frozen where she was. Barry Frost, her partner for almost five years was dying in her arms. He stared up at her, trying to form words.

"Shh," she cooed at him. "Don't talk, Frost. It's going to be okay. You're going to be fine."

But she knew he was slipping away from her. The blood coming slower and cooler, brighter. He stared into her eyes and finally managed to speak. "It's been a great run, detective." Frost sputtered out.

Jane smiled, knowing their first weeks had been tough, Frost complaining a girl couldn't possibly keep him safe. But she'd saved his ass so many times. So she had to wonder why this one was any different.

Korsak reached them just as Frost faded away, closing his eyes for the final time. Jane picked up her hands and stared at the blood. She began to cry violently, Vince placing his arms around her. She fell toward Frost, pounding her fists on his chest. He couldn't die on her, they had to stick together. They were partners.

Vince pulled her off Frost's body as the paramedics arrived. She faintly heard them talking to Maura who was being strapped to a gurney. She remembered wondering why they were taking Maura, Frost was the victim. Cavanaugh ran into the room, taking in the scene very carefully. He approached Jane and Vince, giving a questioning look.

"He wasn't wearing his Kevlar, none of us were. The shooter was too fast for him or Jane, he just had good aim."

Cavanaugh nodded. "What happened to Maura? I saw her being taken away."

"In the struggle the gunman turned toward us and fired at us both. She was hit in the leg by one of the bullets. I shot him three times in the chest."

Jane realized what had just been said. She pushed away from Korsak, standing up quickly. "Maura." She whispered, running out the door. She ran right into Frankie, who took her securely in his arms. "Maura." She whispered again, tears starting to form for the second time.

Frankie nodded and took her to his car. They drove in silence to the hospital, and when they arrived Frankie did all the talking. Maura was in surgery for her leg. It seemed to be a clean through and through, avoiding any permanent damage. There was still an hour or so left. Jane hugged herself in the waiting room chair, not allowing Frankie to touch her. Angela and Tommy arrived forty minutes later, hovering in the outskirts of her conscious. They were gracious enough to leave her be.

When the doctors came out, they told Jane all had gone well and Maura was recovering. She should just be waking from anesthesia and could be seen. Jane waved her family away and entered Maura's room. The honey blonde was resting peacefully, her leg all wrapped and bandaged up. Taking the chair closest to Maura's head, Jane sat and grasped her hand.

When Maura woke up, she saw Jane and smiled. Then realization washed over her and she pulled her hand from Jane's. Maura was pissed off and had a right to be. She simply looked at Jane.

"He died." She stated simply and Maura's features began to soften immediately. But she couldn't comprehend how Jane could always make her feel wrong and horrible for her feelings.

"Jane, you left me. I needed you."

Jane looked Maura square in the eyes. "I couldn't just leave him to die alone, Maur. He needed me too."

The couple sat in the hospital room, hands only inches apart but never touching. There was so much they had to fix, too many problems they couldn't sort out themselves. Maura and Jane both wondered how their relationship had fallen so far, how they had gone from being so happy to hating each other.

Maura finally reached out and touched Jane's hand. It was the same gesture Jane had done almost a week ago when questioning their relationship. Maura didn't know how they would fix their relationship but they were both in it together.

* * *

**Thank you again for reading and following! Please let me know how you feel about this chapter!**


	4. Just Starting to Crawl

**A/N: Thank you all for putting up with me killing off Frost. I promise the next chapters will be better! :)**

* * *

A week later, Jane helped Maura get her crutches up the stairs into Dr. Capshaw's office. Since the shooting, the couple had opted to take a couples therapy session, figuring Capshaw might be able to help them get to the bottom of their problems. This was their first session together but Jane wanted more than anything to help.

Maura shrugged away when Jane tried to touch her, she'd even started asking the brunette to sleep in the guest bedroom. Life at home had been strained- Jane taking a mandatory sabbatical, Maura, unable to perform autopsies had been forced to call in Dr. Pike. The first night home Maura had refused to let Jane touch or comfort her. But it hadn't been Maura who needed comforting. When the honey blonde had begun the journey downstairs for a glass of water that night, she heard Jane crying in the guest bedroom.

It hadn't been easy for either woman, the loss of Detective Frost, Maura had mourned the loss of her friend and tried her hardest to allow herself to help Jane process her partner's death but couldn't. Jane wanted to make things right with Maura, she'd had every reason to be mad at her for not protecting her- but her reasoning held strong. Had she gone to Maura without a second thought, who would have stayed with Frost? Who would have held him and shown him he was loved and cared for when he died? And could Maura really fault Jane for that decision?

The answer had obviously been yes.

Dr. Capshaw took her usual seat while Maura sat closest the window, further from the door than necessary. She took note of the way Jane sat closest the door, hands toward her hip even though it was devoid of a weapon.

"So, how shall we start?" The question hung in the air, neither woman able to start blaming. "Okay...how about you, Jane? How are you processing your partner's death?"

Jane's eyes glazed over, the pain still very prominent for her. "I- I still have a hard time believing it's real. He was a piece of my every day, weaving his way into my family and I watched him die. I felt the blood pump its way out of his body. I felt him-" Jane stopped abruptly, her tears forcing her to stop.

Capshaw turned to Maura who watched Jane and broke down inside. Silently wearing away at the edges, there was only so long she could hate Jane for not saving her. "And you, Maura? Where do you fit in?"

Maura looked at her quietly. "I don't. Barry was a part of my family, I'd grown so fond of him. But I didn't have the same relationship as Jane. I'd never relied on him to watch my back at scenes or protect me from the bad guys. I always relied on Jane for that."

"I noticed you used the past tense there. Has something changed in your relationship with Jane in which you can no longer rely on her in that way?"

Jane covered her face with her hands, crying harder at her own defeat. "I- I was shot during the struggle. Jane was with Barry across the studio, I was with Vince. So rationally I understand that Jane couldn't have gotten to me, couldn't have protected me physically."

"And irrationally?" Capshaw questioned.

"Irrationally I always expected Jane to be there. Even when other's lives depended on her, I expected her to choose me first."

"I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." Jane whispered in Maura's direction. The blonde broke down at Jane's confession.

"Jane? Why didn't you go to Maura? Were you physically incapacitated?"

"No." Capshaw looked at her expectantly. "Frost- he was dying. Maura was with Korsak, a man who saved me not once but three times from a deranged serial killer. A man who's seen me so broken I asked for a new partner. A man I've trusted with my life for over a decade. So when it came to protecting Maura, I trusted him to protect her just as I would."

She paused, composing herself. "I heard Maura. I knew something was wrong, I should've responded the way she expects of me but my partner- my brother- was dying on the floor in front of me and alone. I couldn't leave him, he needed to know he wasn't alone, that someone was there to love and protect him. I failed two people that day and one of them died because of me. I've no one left to blame but myself."

"Jane, blame the shooter, not yourself." Maura rushed in.

"Why? You sure don't!" Pain shot across Maura's face at the insult. "I am so sorry that I am not the woman you expect me to be, Maura." Jane grabbed her hands.

"I am so sorry that I wasn't there for you when I should have been. I am sorry that all I seem to do is hurt you over and over again. That I take and take all you give and have nothing to show in return. I am sorry that I am the most frustrating person you could ever deal with. You deserve someone much better than I can ever become, someone who will spoil you with their knowledge of the world and buy you fancy clothes and take you to restaurants with menus not in English. You deserve someone who doesn't go to work every day not knowing if they'll be coming home that night, and if they do, if it will be on your morgue slab."

Maura placed one of her hands on Jane's face, cupping her cheek gently. Dr. Capshaw sat silently, watching the scene unfold. "Maur, I love you. Please know when I say this that I am speaking the truth. But you make me feel so small sometimes, like I'm supposed to fit in this small box you've labeled 'Jane'. And it goes right over my head, I feel like I know nothing at all because I can't fit myself in there, I don't know how. You have to understand that I am still learning to love you, I'm just starting to crawl. And with Frost- he wanted us to work so badly and here we are tearing ourselves apart because of him."

Maura was crying by now, shocked that in the comfort of a therapists office of all places Jane would reveal herself. The blonde was drenched in guilt. How could she have blamed Jane for not leaving Frost? He died trying to save them all! But she had selfishly wanted Jane to pick her for once and come to her rescue. But she had never realized that Jane had always chosen Maura, even if it didn't seem like it, even if the ways in which she had to do so hurt her, she always chose Maura.

"Jane." She breathed. "I don't know how to fix this. I don't know why I blamed you. It was instinctual to punish you for not choosing me, especially after thinking you had been cheating on me. I was so selfish to want you to apologize to me and tell me you needed support and comfort in your time of mourning. But we're both too stubborn to admit we need each other. So tell me, how can I help you? How can I support you?" Maura begged.

Jane continued to cry, trying to harden herself up. "Jane, don't close up on me."

"I- I just need you to understand, to forgive me, Maur. I wanted to be by your side and kiss away the pain and take my belt and make a tourniquet for your wounds and hold you and be your knight in shining armor. But I couldn't, _couldn't_, leave Frost that way. And I hate myself because you blame me for it."

Maura kissed Jane passionately, as if there were no one else in the room. "Of course I understand Jane. I truly do. I just couldn't get my emotions in check. I knew all this, I did. But I've never been faced with this situation. Had you and Paddy been shot in that undercover two years ago, I don't know who I would've gone to. I can't possibly imagine the difficulty of your choice. But I love you and I am here for you and we will recover from this."

Dr. Capshaw took notes as the couple kissed again, holding each other in a relieving embrace. Maura slid across the couch to sit right next to Jane, their thighs touching and hands clenched together. Touched by their resilience, Capshaw smiled, knowing this couple had so many battles before them, but so many reunions to make them all the stronger.

"It seems as if you two didn't need my help after all!" She said still smiling.

"I don't know about that, doc." Jane said quietly. "I'm a private person, I don't open up. Especially for therapists. And even less for Maura. I know that should be wholly reverse but I'm working on it. I want Maura to know what I'm feeling. But had you not pried into exactly the right places, we probably would be going home to separate beds again."

"I'm glad I could help, truly. You two are so strong, to see something like that fall apart- it would take a nuclear bomb and I think we would all suffer the fallout." Dr. Capshaw said before they left the office.

Her words were still bouncing around in Jane's head as they left. Were they really that strong? Could she and Maura really survive every test? Obviously Frost's death was proving that with a little help they could overcome anything together, if they just trusted each other. But it was a foreign concept for Jane to share her feelings even if it was Maura she was sharing them with.

So when they pulled into Maura's garage and Jane vividly remembered the last time they'd loved each other here she smiled. She smiled the whole way up the stairs with Maura and helping her take a bath without wetting her bandages. She smiled as she helped her into bed for an afternoon nap and as she lay on the bed next to her. Jane was remembering the things she'd said in therapy, especially that she was just learning to love. She'd used that phrase before, when she and Maura had first made love…

* * *

_Jane was driving Maura home from the Dirty Robber, they had just admitted their feelings for one another. When she sheepishly looked over and asked Maura if she wanted to spend the night at Jane's, the look on her face was overjoyed. But there was fear hidden beneath. _

_Neither of them had ever been with a woman. Of course there were the drunken nights at college frat parties for Maura who had made out with several of her roommates. Then there was Jane who had been dared in Junior College and as a Rizzoli, she never backed down from the challenges. And though they were pulling up every experience they'd had, this night would be different. _

_Jane knew she didn't have to sleep with Maura that night, she didn't even feel obligated- Jane _wanted_ Maura and only carnally. Maura held the same desires, tracing patterns into Jane's legs with her fingertips while the brunette drove. If only Maura knew how arousing it was for Jane, perhaps she would have continued. _

_Jane parked the car in front of her building, quickly getting out to open the door for Maura. Tentatively she reached out for the blonde's hand and smiled when she grasped it tightly. They made their way in the building, hardly containing themselves the way there. Maura had just gotten herself in the door before Jane grabbed her waist and pinned her against the now closed door. _

_Tightening her grip on Maura's waist, Jane bent in for a kiss- their first kiss. It was slow, the way fires build quietly the first time. The smolder was there the deeper the kiss went. Jane forced her way through Maura's lips, plunging her tongue into Maura's mouth. The blonde let out a surprised moan of pleasure. _

_Maura's hands began to timidly explore Jane's body. How many times she'd pictured this exact scene she couldn't have counted but now that it was here, all her courage had fled. Maura was blindly seeking the bottom of Jane's shirt and slowly used her fingertips to trail up the brunette's stomach before reaching the bottom of her bra. Here Maura stopped, faced with a whole new problem. How did she caress Jane's breasts the way she'd allowed countless lovers? In a way that would leave her speechless and begging for more?_

_Jane understood her hesitation and moved her lips down to Maura's jawbone. "Like this, Maur." She said grasping Maura's hand inside her own shirt, placing them atop her supple breasts, showing the blonde how to expertly squeeze, dig, and push against them for maximum pleasure. _

_Maura, who had been wearing a blue form fitting dress, the same she'd worn to Jane's high school reunion, needed to be unzipped from behind. Jane reached around Maura's back, gently unzipping the medical examiners favorite dress (Jane believed this to be true simply because it made her look incredible and that she had worn it twice). _

_"Wait." Maura stopped Jane's hands in a single second. It was the tone in her voice, the hesitation there. Jane simply looked up at her, questioning what she was doing wrong. "I'm not good at this, Jane. I've never been with a woman, what if I do it wrong?" Maura bit delicately on her bottom lip, an emotion building up inside of her that she'd never had before. _

_Jane caressed her gingerly, using only her fingertips. "Maura, I've never been with a woman either. I can't tell you how to do it, but I know that I want you. Now. And it just takes some skill. Trust me, I'll help you through it, as much as I can. You won't have this worry next time." Maura gave in to Jane's teasing, kissing the side of her neck gently. _

_Jane went straight for the zipper again, pushing the shoulders off Maura's dress, pushing it down to her waist. It only took her two tries to unsnap Maura's bra, pulling it off and throwing it across the room. Maura's breasts were perky and alert, immediately requiring Jane's attention. Cupping them gently she looked up at Maura. _

_"Step number one: foreplay." Jane smiled mischievously, bending down to take one of Maura's hardened nipples into her mouth. She flicked the top of the nipple with her tongue, sucking gently. Grabbing the other nipple with her thumb and forefinger, Jane began a slow massage. Maura groaned loudly in pleasure, running her hands through Jane's untamed curls. At one point she gripped and pulled against the brunette's hair. Jane smiled as she played with Maura's perfect breasts, even stopping to gently bite the base and then the top of the nipple. _

_Jane moved to the other nipple, allowing the freed one time to desensitize. Again she nibbled and sucked and flicked causing Maura immense pleasure. All the while Maura had been wiggling in anticipation against the door, Jane having to steady her by pinning her waist to the door. Eventually she stood up and looked intensely at the now breathless Maura. _

_"Step number two: grabbing and digging." Maura looked at Jane, a desperate want and confusion in her eyes. "Because I can get you to move in any way I want." She whispered, digging her hands into Maura's hip bones. The blonde cried out at first, the move unexpected and slightly painful before the rush of pleasure came. Where Jane dug and applied pressure, Maura's hips pushed forward to meet her. Maura felt overwhelmed with the stimulation, none of her previous lovers had any idea how to do that to her body. _

_And when she felt her hips would fall off Jane moved up to her ribs, an even more sensitive area. When she folded in and propped herself up against Jane, Maura smiled at her ability. She kissed Maura's neck while digging into the sensitive areas of her body, feeling the body beneath her wiggle and squirm. Once she had grasped a slight sense of strength, Maura twisted up to kiss Jane's lips. _

_And when she felt her ribcage was riddled with bruises and even the slightest touch from Jane bordered on painful, Jane moved once again. This time to her clavicles, digging in and grabbing hold. The sensation was completely unique for Maura. Her entire body went numb, the nerve endings felt like they were dancing around- little trails of electric sparks everywhere. She closed her eyes slowly, leaning her head back in pleasure, almost falling upon Jane who smiled widely. _

_"Maura, look at me." But the blonde couldn't move with Jane's hands trapped there. Her entire body was frozen in painful pleasure. "Maura." This time Jane released her, only to grab right behind her jawbone, two fingers pressing firmly. Maura's body reacted the same as it had with her clavicles only multiplied. Her body was at Jane's mercy as she kissed her lips tenderly. _

_Maura began to grasp control of her body, pushing the sensation downward and making her knees weak. She kissed Jane forcefully, taking her hands and placing them around Maura's waist. Leading the way, the blonde walked them into Jane's bedroom. Seeing where they were, Jane stopped and began to strip the dress off Maura. _

_"Step number three: skin." It seemed like a weird step to Maura, who always let her partners take control. But she was learning to make love to Jane through her and this must be an important step._

_When the dress was off, Maura was only wearing a pair of ice blue lace panties. Feeling completely taken advantage of she began to slowly unbuckle Jane's belt, pushing down and off her pants while the detective kicked off her boots. Jane took her own shirt off while Maura unclasped her bra. Both in their underwear Jane pushed Maura onto the bed, climbing deftly atop her. _

_Jane had been right, the skin on skin contact was amazing for Maura who was squirming beneath Jane's roaming hands. The dectective began to trail kisses down Maura's neck and her breasts, down her stomach to her panty line. Pulling them off, she kissed further and further down until Maura let out a gasp of pleasure when Jane reached her center. The blonde remembers Jane mouthing 'step number four' but not what it actually was. _

_Jane circled Maura's clit with her tongue, sucking and flicking gently, pressing one hand down on her hips to keep her still. The other went up to Maura's nipple and began a slow massage. Her circling became faster and faster, Maura becoming wetter and wetter. So close to orgasm Maura tangled her hands in Jane's hair, breathing her name quietly. But in those final moments intense pleasure, Jane flicking and sucking delicately, Maura pushed over the edge of orgasm and screamed out Jane's name. _

_Jane moved up to Maura's mouth, kissing her tenderly while she recovered. Maura could taste herself on Jane's tongue, and began roaming Jane's body anxiously. She trailed down the brunette's stomach and expertly went under the panties, finding Jane's wetness. They groaned in pleasure together. _

_"Oh detective, you're so wet." Maura crooned, circling her center softly. Picking up the pace Jane began to squirm atop Maura, who in turn placed her free arm around Jane and held her in place. Maura worked furiously against Jane's clit, watching as her breath became labored and the sweat building on her brow. _

_"Copy me." Jane whispered into Maura's ear. Quickly Maura found Jane entering her with two fingers, curling them upward and working intently. Maura did as she was told and entered Jane, copying the hand movement and gesture. Grinding against each other, they struggled for air, both approaching orgasm quickly and strongly. _

_Maura was digging into Jane's back as she approached climax, making Jane grin that she was learning something. The brunette kissed Maura's neck and burrowed herself there as she climbed. And together, faster and harder, in synchronization they moved against each other. Finally they orgasmed, their names being screamed out in complete euphoria from each other. _

_Jane rolled off Maura, who clung to Jane's side, panting and shaking. They looked each other in the eyes and knew that life would never be the same, they would make love like that every night if they could manage it. Jane kissed Maura's forehead. _

_"You're already learning, baby." She whispered. _

_"I learn a lot from you, Jane."_

_"And I learn from you, too Maura." Jane cupped the side of Maura's face. "I'm still learning to love you, just starting to crawl."_

* * *

**I look forward to hearing from you! Please comment, and let me know how you feel about the story so far!**


	5. In The Embers

**A/N: I'm SO SORRY it has taken me this long to update. For your reward, a long loving chapter for our couple. I hope you all like it. Please comment, I love hearing from you guys!**

* * *

It had been two weeks since Barry Frost had been shot and killed in action. He had been cremated and placed in a sophisticated steel urn the BPD had pooled to get. For two weeks he had sat on a mantel in Maura's house until he could interred.

Today was the day he would find his final resting place, and the day his funeral was taking place. Maura and Jane had been dreading the day since it had been set, feeling obligated to make all the arrangements. Both women continued to mope around the house, carrying resentment and guilt wherever they went.

Jane had preferred to bury herself in speech writing for Frost's funeral, having to stop frequently because of her emotions. She had also found herself consuming an abundance of alcohol. Maura preferred to tiptoe around Jane, leaving herself to ask Angela to take her clothes shopping since she was still unable to drive.

Maura preferred to spend all of her money on food and clothes, and though she was on a city's payroll, hers was the highest salary at the BPD. While it wasn't much, she used it to pay her mortgage, car, and utility bills. She used her family's money for everything else. So when she pulled out an 800$ slim, black dress for Jane, the detective felt an ache within her.

She knew Maura loved to spoil her with clothes and nice food, things Jane has never been accustomed to. But she always wanted to pay Maura back somehow. Jane felt as if she was the provider for them, even though she lived in Maura's home and often let Maura drive them to work.

"Maura I can't possibly pay you back for this." Jane protested the morning of the service.

"It's nothing, Jane. I wanted to buy it for you, it'll look amazing."

Jane lowered her head and sat dejectedly upon their bed. "I don't want to look amazing, Maur. My partner died because of me and here I am worrying about what to wear."

"We all process differently, Jane."

Maura bows her head, disappearing into her closet to find her own dress. Jane curses silently at herself, it's as if all she's ever done is hurt Maura. She wants to follow her into the closet and hold her, tell her how sorry she is but Maura is far too fragile for that. She needs to be alone, to have time to process herself instead of worrying about Jane. So she slips into the dress Maura painstakingly found, slipping into heels she knows she can't balance in and waits for Maura.

* * *

The ceremony is held in Maura's back yard, the deck has been fit with tables and chairs for the occasion, Christmas lights strung across the whole yard. Maura wanted the occasion to be intimate and comforting, wanted everyone to know that while they were mourning, they were also remembering. She'd developed every picture she'd found of Barry and had them framed. Jane fondly remembers helping her nail them up against the wooden fences.

A small podium had been set at the very end of the yard, for speeches and memories people wanted to share, leaving the lawn open for people to stand and mingle, and if they want to- dance. Maura had hoped this wouldn't be a funeral but a commemoration to Barry's life. So when everyone arrived and saw the red and black colored theme and catered affair they began to relax.

But when it was Jane's turn, all she felt was guilt. Frost's mother and her wife had shown up, her partner's son quietly reading to himself. His father had finally taken the time off for him and was sitting closest to the door, using his napkin to wipe his eyes frequently. Anna Farris, Frost's ex-fiancé had even shown up.

Jane borrowed Maura's flats for the trek across the grass to the podium, trying to control her breath as she went. It was difficult, to see Frost staring at her with every step she took. But the only photograph Jane had offered up to Maura was a Sunday dinner when Frankie was going undercover for Vice the following day. Angela had broken out the camera to give him photos to remember them all by. Frost had grabbed Jane, smiling at her after they had just finished a cyber-murder and jokingly whispered to her; "pics or were not really partners."

Jane had laughed at the time and posed. She figured she'd have plenty more times to take with her partner. But as she stepped up to the podium she realized that they had never known how much time they were going to get. Their lives had always been in danger- her with Hoyt, Frost with the building collapse, Korsak with the mother-son serial killers.

Standing at the podium Jane made eye contact with Maura. Though the medical examiner had prepared for days for the funeral and had slept well though it all, despite all the layers of foundation- Jane could still see the circles under her eyes. But Maura softened when she saw Jane exposed up there. She smiled encouragingly.

She stood there, still staring at Maura and breathed deeply. "Barry Frost was my partner and my brother. He became a piece of my family slowly but all at once. He always offered incredible insight and incredible friendship. While I was cleaning out his desk, I noticed a framed quotation sitting upon it. It read; 'Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.' I thought deeply on that, wondering why he'd keep it with him always.

"And then it came to me slowly- as Frost himself had- that our lives are a series of black and white events. Simply filed away into categories of bad or good. But there was a whole spectrum of grey we were missing. Frost was the guy who lived in that grey area, neither bad nor good. It was his traits and personality. He was an outstanding detective and yet he couldn't stand seeing a dead body. He hated public defenders but was pre-law in college.

"But Frost left a spot that can never be filled and certainly never ease the pain of letting go. And so while I thought about his framed quote, I found one of my own. Marie Curie said, 'Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.' As a cop, I have always feared death. And while I have known many police officers who have died in action they have never been as close as Frost was. I find that in death he is pushing me to look beyond what I think my life to be and understand. I had such a clear picture of what was black and white and Frost pushed me to see and understand and find happiness in the shades of grey."

Jane thanked them for coming and bowed slightly, walking cautiously back to Maura while they applauded. Maura took Jane's hands in her own, kissing her quickly on the lips. While it wasn't unusual for them to kiss in public, the past few days had been all but affectionate.

Korsak then made his own speech, referring to Frost as some sort of dog breed, showing he cared in his own way. Then went Frankie who made comments about the 'action figure' he had given up to Frost. Angela went next, crying that he had been like one of her own children. Cavanaugh went last, saying how a desk would always be open in BPD's homicide.

Dinner was brought out as the guests wandered, sharing memories and looking at the photographs, thanking Maura and Jane for their hospitality and kind words. Many wondered why Maura herself hadn't spoken, something Jane herself had wondered. Maura just politely declined and grasped Jane tighter.

When the night was finally coming to a close, Frost's father had slipped out without a word and others are beginning to depart. Jane pushed Maura up to the podium for a final goodbye. She cleared her throat nervously.

"I just wanted to thank you all for coming tonight, I know Barry would have appreciated it. While I didn't know him as well as my partner, Jane, or any of his other co workers, I came to find myself in a loving friendship with him. Those of you who know me well, know that I'm not very good with emotions or words but Barry often sought me out for advice and listened when it was I who needed it.

"He was the most supportive of my relationship with Jane, allowing her to find her peace in that 'grey' area she spoke of earlier. While he helped me a great deal, and I wish I had been able to help him, Barry taught me many things that I will never forget- especially how to make friendships into family. And while I may not be the best at it, he once told me that we were all just trying to pull apart the dark we found in our line of work. And I find that I am just starting to learn how to do this, slowly, I am finding my start in the embers."

Jane looked lovingly at Maura, knowing that without Frost, their relationship would not have happened. It was Frost who told Jane to just tell Maura how she felt, and when Jane had looked questioningly at him, he just shrugged and said he learned from the best. It had been Frost who pushed and pushed them together, being supportive with the smallest amount of words.

And it was over Frost they were tearing themselves apart.

* * *

Once all the guests had left, long after Maura had buried herself upstairs in their bedroom, Jane began to clean. She'd always had the habit when her mind was preoccupied. She knew Maura had a service coming in the morning to make the yard spotless, as if the event had never happened. So Jane picked up Maura's cell phone and left them a message canceling the service, offering to pay them anyway for the trouble. After all, Maura never had any qualms about Jane spending her money.

She piled all the dishes in the sink, throwing away the plastic wine flutes and cups. Covering her arms in tablecloths and napkins she made her way to the laundry room, stuffing in as many as she could. The chairs folded easily onto racks the rental company had left, and Jane made sure they were properly hung and rolled out to the driveway for pick up the next morning. The tables however, she propped against the wall, leaving those for the men to roll away.

Since it was too late for her to power wash the deck, she opted instead for a mop and broom. Giving it a light sweep, she filled a bucket full of warm water and soap, taking the mop and scrubbing harshly. Once she had finished the deck, she noticed small patches of hardened sauce from the pasta dish. Jane carefully peeled off her black dress, alone in the darkness with only her underwear and bra. Crossing the deck barefoot, she kneeled and began to scrub the patches with a sponge.

It was only then that the tears came. Of the whole night she had kept herself composed, unwilling to let anyone else see she was falling apart inside. And while Maura and Vince both knew she was anything but okay, they had hovered around her lovingly, and worriedly. Yet she refused to let them see her breakdown. It was now Frost's turn to see her so vulnerable, a side she had refused to show him.

Seemingly ironic now, that surrounded by photos of him she'd fall apart. But Jane still blamed herself heavily for Frost's death. She hadn't been the one to shoot the killer, she hadn't been the one to bring him justice. But she had been the one who held his hand and made him feel safe when he died, and that had to count for something. She just wasn't sure what yet.

"You look ridiculous." Maura said from the doorway. "Who just scrubs a deck naked at one in the morning?"

Jane sat back on her legs, watching Maura. She was in a golden silk slip, the ones she loved to wear to bed, and taunt Jane in. "Who else was going to do it?"

"I hired a service for that."

"And I un-hired them."

"You can't blame yourself forever, Jane." The words resonated within her, if she didn't blame herself, who would? Obviously not his killer, who was also dead.

"Maur, I will never stop blaming myself." Maura crossed over to Jane, kneeling beside her. Jane leaned into her girlfriend's awaiting arms, crying against her breast. Maura had been right in her speech, they were all just trying to find a way to pull apart the darkness they saw everyday. The murderers and their victims, the small, petty reasons people were driven to kill. The serial killers who had seemingly no purpose at all and the cops who risked their lives trying to stop them.

It was a vicious cycle of darkness Jane perpetually found herself in. But it hadn't been until that moment that she realized she wasn't alone in it. That Maura was her light in the darkness if she just dared to flip the switch. And yet sometimes that was even scarier than the dark, because at least the dark is known, is familiar. As soon as she flipped that switch, as soon as she let Maura completely in, her entire world would change. Everything would be illuminated. And if everything were exposed, what if Maura realized she didn't really love what she saw? Didn't really love Jane? And what if it were reverse? What if Jane realized she didn't really love Maura?

Who would save them then?

* * *

The couple decided to skip their session with Dr. Capshaw two days later, feeling like their experiences after the funeral had left them too raw and exposed to open up. Instead they decided to spend the day relaxing. Maura had finished the cleaning left around the house, downloaded some medical journals to read, shoe shopped online and was now settling in on the hammock on the deck with a book.

Jane had woken up late, taken a long shower and was now upstairs playing the piano. Her melodies drifted out the window to Maura who smiled. Jane hadn't played the piano in the years they'd known each other. Ever since Hoyt she'd stopped. But there was something reawakening inside of her detective.

The sun was shining upon Maura, who lay her book across her stomach to bathe it in. The afternoon seemed so peaceful and serene, they had been right to take it off. With her eyes closed Maura was beginning to drift off but she had still noticed when Jane stopped playing piano. She noticed the creaks of the floorboards as Jane tiptoed across them. And she definitely noticed when the detective crawled inside the hammock with her.

Maura rolled into Jane's awaiting arms, snuggling up to warmth. The medical examiner had never felt particularly cold but when given the opportunity to be held by Jane, she could never get warm enough. Jane felt wholly reverse, that Maura was the ice to her fire, giving her a way to cool down and relax from her life.

Jane was rubbing Maura's arms when she spoke. "Maur, would you marry me if I asked?"

"Yes."

"You're not even going to think about it? You don't think we would be moving too fast?"

"No." Maura curled against Jane, trying to get as close as possible.

"Why?"

Maura finally opened her eyes and looked up at Jane. "Because we've been running from each other for far too long. I feel like I've been with you a decade instead of seven months. Jane, in all the years I've known you have all felt like some sort of twisted love story we were just now clued into. Sure we're still trying to figure out how to live with each other but doesn't everyone? Once I said I loved you, I meant it. There won't be anyone else for me, Jane Rizzoli. You're it. And I'd be honored to spend the rest of my life with you."

Jane was touched by Maura's words, tucking loose pieces of hair behind her ears. "I wouldn't be able to afford the ring I know you want and deserve."

"Oh Jane, I would buy our rings of course!" Maura said excitedly. Jane groaned, would there be no limit to what Maura would buy for her? For their life together? Would she never understand that Jane needed to feel responsible for something?

"Maura, I can't let you buy everything! You're the bride so your parents would pay for this expensive, elaborate wedding and they'd be glad to do so. I just feel so useless."

Maura reached up and cupped Jane's face. "Jane, I'm only getting married once, and I've been dreaming about it since I was five. I'm going to buy our rings, and our dresses and my parents will pay for the ceremony and honeymoon and everything else we could possibly want because they adore me. I wouldn't let you talk me down from that."

Jane groaned at Maura, obviously not understanding where the point had been. "BUT, having said that, I know you want to take care of me and provide for me. So if you let me do all that, I would sell my house and all my belongings, well most of them. And I would let you find us a house or condo or apartment and I would let you pay all the bills and buy all the groceries and be the man of the house. I would be happy with that because I'd be married to you. And then I'd just have more money for shoes!"

Maura smiled at Jane. She was slowly starting to realize that Maura would always be happy as long as she was with Jane. "I wouldn't make you sell your house. But we will have to make some changes around here. Like the fact that there's no TV in the living room."

"Jane Rizzoli, was that your idea of a proposal?"

"Only if you're saying yes, Maura Isles."

She smiled. "Maura Rizzoli-Isles. I think I could get used to that."

"Who said anything about hyphenating our last names?" Jane chided.

"Well Maura Rizzoli is still an excellent name because it's yours." Maura said. "But we'll cross that bridge later." She stretched up to kiss Jane.

"So that's a yes? We're getting married?" Jane asked excitedly.

"That's up to you, Jane. I don't know where the whole idea came from, I personally have my ideas but that's a different talk. If you're serious about doing this and doing it now, I'll call my mother and we can start planning tonight."

Maura settled against Jane, resting her head upon the detective's shoulder. Jane's brow furrowed. She hadn't expected Maura to say yes, she'd hoped though. She also thought Maura would say it was too soon after Frost had died. "Well who said anything about doing it now? The wedding?"

"Jane, if I'm marrying you I'm not going to want one of those long, drawn-out, 'we're just enjoying each other' engagements. As soon as a ring is on my finger, I'm going to be too impatient to wait for you to be my wife."

"What if I steal all your credit cards so you couldn't buy the rings?" Maura smiled. She knew Jane was rushing but her mind was made up, she would marry Jane any day if that's what Jane really wanted. But so soon after Frost- and with all the problems they'd been having? Jane sighed. "So you're giving me an ultimatum."

"No. This isn't an ultimatum. If you want to get married, we'll get married. Simple as that."

"But what if I want one of those long, drawn-out, 'we're just enjoying each other' engagements?"

Maura sat up to face Jane, seeing the nervousness written all over it. She smiled and grabbed Jane's hand. "Jane, if that's what you want, then that's what you'll get. I only put up a fuss because I wanted you to be sure. I don't care if we're engaged for five years! It just tells me that you're mine and one day I'll be able to call you my wife. I can't promise not to ring shop but I will make no wedding plans at all until you tell me you want to."

Jane smiled widely. Excited that Maura was being so open and understanding about the whole affair. "Really? You'd do that for me?"

"Yes. But as soon as I get my ring I'm booking us a table at a nice, 'have to wear a dress and put on makeup' restaurant and you will propose correctly."

"Deal."

The couple sat in the hammock smiling at each other. Fifteen minutes later Angela walked up to them to see if she could help with the clean up. Only she found her daughters instead and a spotless backyard.

"What's up with you two?" She questioned.

"Jane just asked me to marry her."

"And Maura just said yes."

Angela stared at them speechless. While she could see how happy they were she was worried too. "Isn't that a little rushed? It doesn't have to do with Barry does it?"

Maura turned to her. "I've promised to marry Jane by agreeing to be her fiancé. However, we have both agreed that absolutely no plans will go into this wedding until we have both found ourselves on solid, emotional ground. So engaged, yes. Wedding planning, no."

"Sounds very diplomatic for you two. I'm proud. And excited!" Angela dove onto the hammock, pulling them both into a large hug. When she released them she sat on the edge looking at them. "Except I have a problem."

Jane grumbled at her. "Ma, what now?"

"Well whose side will I sit on?"

The women sat on the hammock and laughed. They joked with each other and opened a bottle of wine to celebrate. They were finding their light in the darkness that had enveloped them for so long. Jane was still struggling but she was slowly grasping Frost's death. Maura would always doubt what Jane saw in her, Jane was a woman of faith and needed to be trusted but Maura's track record in relationships left her stunted. They had both always believed people when they'd said they would never leave, and then watched as they inevitably always did.

Enjoying their happiness was all that would matter now. To explore each other until there was no more doubt. There would be no lingering hints in Jane's gut whispering that Maura was wrong for her. And Maura would have to trust that Jane would always be there for her, as she had proven time and time again. The one time she hadn't been there can not make her lose faith in the woman she loved. They would fix each other from all that had fractured.

Jane's phone rang against her hip. While they had taken the day off, with Frost gone they were short staffed and she was on call. She answered the phone happily, giggling from Maura tickling her. "Rizzoli." There was muted speaking on the other end. "Yes, this is her."

Maura watched as Jane's face dropped, all the happiness drained from it. She watched as Jane dropped the wine glass, shattering across the newly cleaned deck, red wine spilling across it like blood. "I'll be on the first plane."

Angela and Maura both stared at her questioningly. What was so important she'd hop on a plane for? Jane looked at Maura first, finding her eyes and staring brokenly into them.

"It's Casey. He was wounded in Afghanistan. Since the engagement he hadn't changed his emergency contact. He's in California and he's really bad, Maura."

And with a phone call lasting three minutes, their entire lives had been shattered.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! There's about to be even more instability in the couple's lives. Let's see how it plays out! As always, please comment!**


	6. For My Bones Have Found A Place

**A/N: Things are stirring up for our couple, let's see how well they do with the change. As always, thank you for your support and I hope to hear your feedback :)**

* * *

Jane had frantically packed while Maura booked them two tickets to San Diego. It had been almost four years since Jane had seen Casey, four years of not uttering even his name. Every single thing that had reminded her of him had been thrown away, every piece of evidence burned, every hope broken. Maura had kept her pieces though, the bridesmaid dress hidden in a black garment bag in the depths of her closet.

After so much pain, he was back again. Presumably to do even more damage to the couple than ever before.

Maura stood in the doorway of their bedroom, boarding passes printed in her hands. They were leaving in two hours. Jane had two suitcases open, throwing her own things haphazardly into them. Shoes that didn't match and more pants than shirts. Maura walked over to her and held her in her arms. Jane tried to struggle against her but it was useless, the medical examiner held her too tight.

"Stop." Maura breathed in her ear. Jane finally gave up, crying in Maura's arms. She kissed her cheek and released Jane. "Go down to your mother, eat something. I'll pack for us and be down within in ten minutes." Jane's face was all protest. "Go now."

The detective finally stomped down to her mother dejectedly. Maura emptied the suitcase and began all over, packing Jane's favorite things. Her sweatpants and BPD shirt, her second pair of boots and lucky belt. When it had all of her necessities she moved to her own suitcase. While it was difficult, she packed the bottom of the case full of shoes. Mainly high heels, two pairs of flats and one pair of sensible but fashionable tennis shoes. Skirts went next followed by blouses and finally her dresses. Maura would not let herself slip out of her comfort zone- fashion.

Jane had asked her once why it was so important, some undercover case they'd argued about. Maura wasn't into the fashion, she was constantly in awe of what humans were capable of. And she felt comfortable in them, like a protective skin. And she knew this trip would test her protective skin to its fullest capacity.

Jane and Maura were supposedly happy but Jane and Casey had been extremely happy. In the months of their engagement Maura had never seen her friend happier. She complained less and went home early, almost excited for the prospect of a house husband, or just someone to go home to. They'd thrown around the idea of buying a house for the children Casey wanted.

Maura felt she knew Jane's standing in that area but was dead wrong when Jane confessed to her that the couple was already trying for a child. It hadn't been a barter exactly but that's how Maura viewed it. Jane had agreed to marry Casey so he wouldn't go back to Afghanistan, big deal, Jane would've married him eventually. But Jane was going to give him children if he stayed and didn't question her job.

The whole arrangement had left Maura disgusted. How could two people who made bargains with each other call that love? Jane tried to argue that Maura just couldn't understand- none of her partners would ever say 'don't do what you do, it's too dangerous' or worry that she wouldn't come home at night. While Maura understood and accepted Jane's reasoning, she just couldn't see the justification in it. She did truly believe that Jane would love her child, but also resent it.

From the moment Casey had made this arrangement, Maura had hated him. It wasn't until he had walked out on Jane though, that she vowed to never speak to him again. Casey had reached being the first person Maura Isles had ever truly hated.

Angela popped her head into the bedroom as Maura zipped up the last suitcase. Angela was not any happier than Maura about this trip to see Casey but her daughter was stubborn and neither of them could reason with her. Offering her help, Angela grabbed Jane's suitcase.

"Are you nervous?" Maura looked questioningly at Angela. "For how she'll respond to him? That she'll leave you?"

"I've been pondering it, yes. But I don't think Jane would leave me like Casey left her. I believe that she never truly forgave him for what he did, but I also believe that she never closed her heart to him either." Maura sighed. "I honestly hate him, Angela. And I want to feel pity for him but his loss was my gain. I can't imagine life without her, especially after Frost..."

Her thoughts drifted, afraid for the first time in a long time that she might truly lose Jane. It had been different when she'd shot herself to protect them all. That had been stupid Jane, but also overwhelmingly protective Jane. All the times she'd fallen victim to Hoyt or other psychopaths, Maura had always felt a gnawing in her stomach of fear and anger.

But the closest she'd ever gotten to what she was feeling now was when Jane had shot her father. The epic battle they'd had almost led to Maura's resignation from the BPD. She knew subconsciously that Jane was right and just trying to protect them. But it had also been her father- a man who up until that moment had admitted he would've killed Jane had earned her love and trust.

But Jane had gained it all back when she protected an injured Maura in the woods of a fracking compound. And now she faced losing her to a man who had done nothing but hurt her. Despite her knowledge of Jane's love for her, or the promise of a wedding, Maura still feared for their relationship.

* * *

Jane would not stop fidgeting in her first class seat. Maura had tried holding her hands and whispering to her but Jane was too impatient. She'd wondered if planes could go faster and Maura had to reassure her that Boston to California was a long flight. She'd tried getting her to sleep but Jane just ended up sighing out of exasperation.

"Jane!" Maura finally yelled at her. She received a few dirty looks from other passengers who were settling in for the night. And those who had noted Jane's movements. "What is wrong?"

Jane's eyes held Maura's for a couple of minutes before tears started to fall. "It's been four years, Maur. I'm afraid of the man I'll find. I'm afraid of the woman he will make me when I find him. I'm afraid, Maura. So afraid."

Maura pulled Jane up from her seat and held her tightly. They sat in Maura's seat as she reclined it, putting them in the sleeping position. They were facing each other as Maura held her, rubbing her back and kissing her forehead. Maura watched Jane break down yet again, she was shaking against Maura's body as she held her close. When she finally quieted down, she looked Maura in eyes.

"Tell me about your dream wedding." Jane said quietly.

"Well...first of all, I'd be wearing a classic white, mermaid style dress, beaded bodice and all." Jane smirked as she imagined Maura in her dress. "And you would be in a dress too, despite your protests. But I would find you a simple gown, trumpet style so your legs would be free, you could still wear your gun.

"Despite my desire for an Italian wedding, we would get married here, in Boston. I'm thinking one of those loft style apartments with an exposed brick wall to place an arch. Our colors will be simple, brown and orange fall colors. Perhaps even a deep green since you're so worried about colors, and the green compliments your hair and eyes. My bouquet will be orange roses wrapped in brown ribbon. And your mother and my mother will sit down and make an upscale traditional Italian menu."

Jane snuggled closer to Maura. "That sounds warm and perfect."

"With you, it will be." There was nothing but sincerity in Maura's words as she grasped Jane closer to herself. Her detective finally began to calm down, her breathing evening out and her eyes drying. They lay in the seat staring and holding each other. Maura was perfectly content, it had been so long since she had been happy and finding it in Jane had been the greatest surprise of her life. Because once she had admitted those feelings to herself, finally said aloud that she, Maura Dorothea Isles loved Jane Clementine Rizzoli, there would be no one else for her. And if Jane decided she couldn't love Maura, the medical examiner knew she'd never try and replace her. It would be a lonely life.

Jane looked at Maura. "How can you love me when all I've been the past few weeks is broken and weak?" The words weren't more than a whisper.

Maura began playing with Jane's hair, brushing her cheek with her fingertips softly. "How could I not?"

* * *

They had arrived in California safely, landing at LAX. Maura had used her connections to book them an open ended stay at one of her time shares. A car from the resort had picked them up and driven them the two hours from LA to San Diego through Saturday afternoon traffic and a bathroom break for Jane.

Since the plane ride they'd mostly been quiet, Jane reflecting on Maura's admission to her. She had always been a strong person who showed little emotions, especially growing up in a house with two brothers and then becoming the only female detective in the homicide unit. Jane had come to depend on her hard exterior, all sharp edges and thick walls.

But the past weeks had been seeping through the cracks in her foundation, and with them Maura was catching glimpses of the Jane who hid there. That Maura could witness her fall apart time and time again and still see her as her badass detective Jane, was almost impossible for Jane to believe. But Maura had admitted it with the utmost sincerity on the plane and Jane was starting to believe her.

They were checked in and in their suite by 2:30, Maura's calm reserve and deep connections had helped them innumerable along the way. Jane had swallowed down a banana while shoving her suitcase in the closet before pacing the living room impatiently for Maura. When she finally emerged, Maura had changed into a deep, forest green form fitting dress and black blazer, the black pumps to match. Jane stared agape at her, she hadn't bothered to change since they left, still in her jeans and Maura's blue Boston College t-shirt.

"Let's go." Maura said grabbing her purse.

"We didn't call a car." Jane stated simply as she followed behind Maura. But she realized they wouldn't have needed to, Maura had rented them a car when booking the room, leaving the resort to pick it up for them.

The GPS system was state of the art and helped them navigate the busy roads of coastal San Diego. Maura had put up her wall, solidifying herself for Jane and to be a doctor when they arrived at the VA hospital. Jane was a complete mess on the inside, covering the holes in her armor with crappy spackle jobs and fidgeting with her hands.

Finally arriving, Jane clammed up at the information desk, leaving Maura to take the lead. "We're looking for Charles Jones, we're his next of kin." The desk clerk smiled at them, typed some things into the computer and called the appropriate extension. A few muffled words were spoken before she asked them to wait for a nurse to escort them. Jane started to become very nervous.

A couple minutes later a tall, blonde woman in a doctor's coat came and found them. She introduced herself as Casey's doctor, Dr. Charlotte Thorpe. Before she could say anything else to the couple, Maura threw questions at her. Asking which college she had attended and where she'd done her residency and fellowships. It wasn't until the last question that Maura finally shut up.

"What's your specialty?" Maura asked clinically.

Dr. Thorpe paused slightly before answering. "Burns. Skin grafts. I'm the resident authority on soldiers with burns due to roadside bombs and IED's."

Jane gripped Maura's hand with every ounce of strength she had left. Maura looked at her, Jane's face completely pale, a sheen of sweat starting to form on her brow. Reaching over Maura gently pushed a piece of Jane's hair behind her ear, cupping her cheek gently.

"I didn't know you were a couple. It said on Mr. Jones' chart that his fiancé was his next of kin." Dr. Thorpe stated as she watched the couple quietly.

"We were," Jane tried to explain, taking a quiet moment to arrange her words. "He left me the day of our wedding. Deployed the next day. That was four years ago."

Dr. Thorpe nodded sympathetically, she's heard plenty of stories like Jane and Casey's. Only the fiancés never showed up with their lesbian lovers. "Well I must warn you about Casey's condition." She motioned for them to sit back down, taking a chair across from them herself.

"He suffered pretty severe burns from the roadside bomb. Along with a pretty bad psychological event. The bomb that injured him the first time was very similar to this one. His instincts set in and he got out very fast but one of the members of his platoon was trapped, he went back to save him and was badly burned. The gas tank exploded, he lost both his legs from mid-thigh down."

Jane was horrified, tears starting to fall. Maura's face stayed the same, her poker face out in full play. While she truly hated Casey, she would never wish physical harm to anyone. Especially a psychological event such as war. Maura placed her arm around Jane, trying to comfort her.

"What treatment options have you used?" Maura asked.

"We amputated both legs, he will be fitted for prosthetics tomorrow, and his torso and right arm were also pretty badly burned so we've done skin transplants and grafts."

Jane began to tune out their medical speak when Maura began to ask about sutures and gauze materials. The realization of Casey's injuries were slowly seeping into her brain, leaving her to picture horrifying and disfiguring images. Casey hadn't wanted her to see him before when all that was wrong was his partial paralysis, how would he feel now? Alone and left to see Jane without legs and burn scars across his chest?

"I didn't realize you were a doctor." Dr. Thorpe said simply. Bringing Jane from her internal dialogue.

"I'm a pathologist in Massachusetts. The commonwealth medical examiner. While I didn't go into practicing medicine like you do, I know quite a bit about common practices." Maura defended herself.

"She's the dumbest genius I know." Jane mumbled quietly to herself.

Maura looked over at Jane, worried that she might not be up for the visit today but knew Jane would never leave. Instead she gripped Jane's hand tighter and continued to speak to Dr. Thorpe. Finally they were ready to see Casey who had been asking for Jane since he woke. The three women rode the elevator to the sixth floor, walking the complex hallways for the burn unit. They stopped outside his room, away from the windows at Jane's request. Dr. Thorpe told them again what they'd find and handed Maura her personal pager number. Jane stood against the wall, convincing herself she was prepared for this visit, for what she was about to find.

Maura stood in front of her, pressing her forehead to Jane's. Jane slipped her hands beneath the blazer, letting them rest of Maura's waist, pulling her closer. The two stood in the cocoon-like embrace for ten minutes before Jane gently nudged Maura away. "Just wait in the doorway, okay?" Her voice was strong and steady, her usual rasp reclaiming its territory. Maura simply nodded, she would be there for Jane in any capacity, allowing her partner her freedom.

Jane fidgeted with her hands, tracing the scalpel scars left by Charles Hoyt. Maura knew it meant Jane was nervous and anxious but as soon as she stood in the doorway, she was off-limits, Maura could show her no comfort.

Casey wasn't watching the door to see Jane enter. He was deep in thought out the window, the hospital had a clear view of the ocean from his room. He figured he would never be able to visit the beach again, he'd heard plenty of soldier's tales of prosthetics getting stuck in the sand. But with that, he'd never run or rollerblade or bike again. He was doomed to a life in a chair or bed.

Instead he turned his attention to the packet on his bedside table. A letter supposedly from the president himself, thanking Casey for his years of service and bravery during battle. They were honorably discharging him due to his injuries, their not so subtle way of telling him there would be no third enlistment was a pamphlet explaining injury and retirement packages. Also included was a notice of an award, one he didn't care to read the name of, and should notify them when he'd be capable of attending a ceremony. The whole thing was so formal, so military that it disgusted him.

It was the way she cleared her throat, unsure what to say that alerted him to her presence. _Jane_. It was the worst mistake he'd ever made, giving her up for four more years. And now he was legless and disfigured. And without her. "Jane." It was barely a whisper but she heard it. He turned his head lazily on the pillow to catch sight of her. Her wild, curly hair was down, gathering on the shoulders of her bright blue Boston College t-shirt, dark jeans, and black Converse. He wondered absently whose shirt it was she wore, Jane herself had never attended.

"Casey." He heard the pain immediately in her voice. He had done this, he had hurt her beyond repair, had left her and now she was back.

"I didn't think you'd come." The sentence carried so much weight. How had she known? Was she alone? Did her presence mean she forgave him? Loved him? Could she? He was a monster now.

"I'm still listed as your next of kin. As your fiancé." Her old title cut knives through them. It had been so long since she'd been in line to become Mrs. Charles Jones, wife of her high school crush. Now she would marry Maura, her best friend. "We should tell them soon, to change it."

His heart dropped. She was not here to love him, to swoon over his aches and pains. "You'd have to go to the desk and fill out some forms. My mother can be listed instead." She nodded, pulling a slip of paper from her no-nonsense travel wallet. He assumed it was the information for his mother.

"I can go do it." Maura said from the doorway. Casey realized she'd been there for the whole awkward conversation. Jane nodded at her, standing stiffly while Maura crossed and grabbed the paper from Jane, her hand lingering on Jane's for too long.

"We should probably talk." Casey said once he was sure Maura was out of range.

* * *

**Thanks again for the support! Let me hear your thoughts!**


	7. Young But I'm Not That Bold

**A/N: Giving you a long one this week! **

**WARNING: there is a scene inspired by the novel version of Hoyt, it does have death and blood and gore so if that's not up your alley, skip the italics at the very end. **

**I hope you guys enjoy the chapter! Please review!**

* * *

"We should probably talk." Casey said once he was sure Maura was out of range. He nodded to a chair by the window, as she crossed he raised his bed to a sitting position. Not used to it, he winced in pain, a noise escaping, Jane's eyes becoming alert.

"Are you in pain?"

"No. I'm fine, please don't worry."

She sat back, wondering what exactly he'd want to talk about. She wondered if she should tell him about Maura or if it would be too painful. If he'd had a girlfriend she would've been there, not Jane. She wondered if he was going to give her a reason for his sudden departure four years ago, or their brief, three letter affair a year one that made her realize she loved Maura and left her broken at the end.

"I'm sorry for this." He motioned down his body. Jane's response was a disgusted grunt.

"You know it's never mattered to me, Casey." Jane's voice was soft. She never truly had cared for Casey's physical impediments. She had cared for personality. While the attraction mattered, she'd always seen Casey as whole. Now was no different, she would help him as much as he would allow, as much toll she and Maura could take.

"Before I couldn't use my legs, now I don't even have them. We couldn't be like we used to." There was a flash behind her eyes. It was pain and anger and sadness all rolled into one look and it was pointed directly at him. He knew then that she had met someone else. He never expected her to wait for him, especially after the way he'd left her but he had hoped. Prayed that seeing her there meant she loved him.

"Casey…" Jane struggled for the words. How would she tell him? How do you break a broken man's heart? "We can never be like we used to. But I'm here for you, I will help you through this."

"You've met somebody else. Is it serious?" He became angrier with each question he asked her. It felt like a slap in the face for her to come to him, happily taken and giving him all her pity. "How long after did you start seeing him? Sleeping with him?"

Jane shrunk at his anger. He had never seen her small before now, before he exploded on her. He was finally quiet, controlling his anger before she spoke.

"You left _me_. You married the army, packed up and _left me_. I was broken and I will not apologize for the way I've glued myself together. That having been said, you don't get to ask me those questions and I won't answer them. It's been four agonizingly long years, you can't sit here and honestly tell me you expected me to wait. I'm not that type of woman." Jane was completely calm, unwavering in her responses. Casey calmed with each of her words. She was right, he no longer had any jurisdiction to ask those questions. Jane wasn't his. She'd stopped waiting and that was no one's fault but his own.

"Why is Maura here?" His quick change of subject left Jane stunned. She had never been able to handle his personality changes. It was something he had managed to hide from her until their engagement. There had been hints here and there, especially the weeks prior to her accepting. It was usually connected to his anger and never ended well.

"She's my best friend. I needed some support, Casey." Jane explained calmly. She couldn't imagine trying to explain her complex relationship with the Medical Examiner. How could she tell him that after he'd left her Maura had been there to patch her back together? That his letters made her realize she would never find someone else. Finding love in Maura hadn't been a second shot- she'd always loved Maura, through Gabriel and Casey, she'd always put her relationship and Maura's happiness first.

Jane just hoped they'd never noticed and that Maura always had.

"I didn't know she would come." He shrugged nonchalantly. Neither of them had expected to talk about Maura during this time but there were things they both refused to talk about- Afghanistan and relationships. But Casey knew their wedding day would come up, he hadn't given her any excuse about his sudden departure...

* * *

_Jane was sitting in the dressing room of the church, her mother hovering like no other. Maura was absently attending to the bouquets, spouting some google-mouth speak about how long flowers could survive in tap water and at what temperature before they wilted. Jane smiled, Maura had been nervous for weeks, wondering if she would look good and what kind of things she should say in her speech. It had been useless to try and console her. _

_Jane was eternally grateful for all Maura had done, paying for her dress, hair and make-up. She said it was the least she could do since Jane wouldn't let her buy them a wedding present. Since the engagement though, Jane had noticed small changes in her best friend, occasionally walking down to the morgue and finding Maura crying with seemingly no explanation she was willing to offer up. _

_But they had worked through it and were here on the day no one thought would come- Jane Rizzoli's wedding. It was only her, Angela and Maura in the room, the wedding less than thirty minutes away. While Maura spouted facts about her flowers Jane thought back a few weeks when Casey confided in her that he missed the army. He'd never seen himself as anything but a military man, even married to Jane. _

_But Jane had set her foot down, saying she loved him but had she wanted to sit around and wait for him to come home she would have married him before. He needed to decide, the army or her. Casey had chosen her. Yet Jane couldn't help but feel he'd chosen too easily, hadn't thought much about it. She was marrying him to stay home and not question her job and in return he got her and kids. There was love somewhere in there right?_

_Just as Angela zipped up her dress and helped her into her jeweled flats thanks to Maura, there was a soft knock on the door. Maura went to answer it. "Casey!" She gasped in mock surprise. "You know you can't see her before the wedding. Did you get new dress uniforms? Wasn't the point to match?"_

_Jane furrowed her brow at the statement. She and Maura had spent agonizing hours making sure everything blue matched Casey's exact shade of dress blues, if there was going to be a military wedding, they were going to do it correctly. _

_"I need to speak to her. Alone, Maura." Casey said from the hall. She turned her head to Jane's, shocked when her detective nodded in approval. Angela and Maura departed while Casey entered. He was wearing a completely different uniform- this one not very formal. _

_"Casey?" She questioned. _

_He took a mental picture of the way she looked, in her form fitting dress with beading and crystals. She was gorgeous. But her happiness was fading quickly, he needed to be quick in his explanation. _

_"I've been asked to join the Marines. Stationed in Camp Pendleton, California. Higher rank than in the army, deploying me as soon as possible. I've said yes."_

_She just stared at him blankly. Did he not realize he wasn't the only one making huge sacrifices for this wedding? That the world did not revolve around Casey being in the military? And that as much as she wanted to believe it, she wouldn't always be a detective?_

_"But Casey...we had this conversation weeks ago. You told me you'd decided..." Her words faded into silence. Tears were starting to fall, he had succeeded in breaking Jane Rizzoli. "How long have you known? When did you say yes?"_

_Casey walked over to her, opening his arms to take her in. "Jane..." He tried, wanting with every bone in his body to be the one to soothe her. _

_"NO!" She backed away from him. At her outburst, Maura opened the door and walked in, her eyes wide. She took in the scene before her, Jane crying and Casey looking broken. "How long have you known?" _

_Jane was no longer sad, no longer broken by Casey's admission. No, now she was mad, pissed off even. They both saw it in her eyes. Casey just shook his head and walked up to where she stood frozen. "I deploy tomorrow. Goodbye, Jane." He kissed her forehead gently. She clamped her eyes shut, tears escaping despite her best efforts. _

_He did not dare make eye contact as he passed Maura, nor when he walked away from Angela calling his name. His simply walked out of the church he had fought for, where his parents had been married and into the car that waited for him. He did not dare look back as Tommy and Frankie ran after him, mainly hearing Tommy's curse words. _

_The marine driving did not speak, knowing that what Casey had done was cowardly, letting them all believe the wedding was happening. _

_Back in the dressing room Maura caught Jane as she collapsed. Sobbing into Maura's bare shoulders Jane found peace, comfort. Her mother tried to enter the room but Jane simply screamed at her. The wedding was ten minutes late and the guests were starting to worry. Maura unzipped Jane, told her to get dressed and that she would be back. _

_No one knew what was happening. The event coordinator looked surprised when Maura showed up first but opened the doors and cued the music. Taking a deep breath, she kept herself composed as she walked down the aisle, catching glimpses of all the people who were there to support and love Jane. She stole glimpses of the people Casey had invited, wondering if any of them knew of his betrayal. _

_Only once she reached the altar and looked at Frost and Korsak did her facade falter. The detectives knew immediately. Maura cleared her throat and spoke loudly for the whole church to hear. _

_"Casey and Jane thank you for your attendance and apologize for the inconvenience, but the wedding has been called off. You may of course proceed to the reception, where dinner will be served with the wedding cake. We wish you a happy day and hope you understand that neither party is to be disturbed at this time. Thank you." _

_It had not been the speech she'd prepared to give but still pulled it off gracefully. As she walked back down the aisle, Frost and Korsak joined her, deflecting any questions. Once in the hallway they asked her the same hushed questions the entire church had. It wasn't until they reached the dressing room and saw Frankie and Tommy trying to calm down Angela that the pieces started to fall together. Maura turned, her hand on the door knob to face Jane's partners. _

_"Casey left her. He went and joined the Marines and deploys tomorrow." Everyone quieted at the admission. Maura looked Korsak straight in the eyes. "I hope he dies over there." _

_With her confession, Maura entered, gathered Jane and the two drove aimlessly around Boston until Maura found a spa neither had been to before. In hushed whispers she explained to the spas manager what had happened and they were placed in mud baths. Maura knew Jane had finally come around to them. _

_Jane had been quiet the entire day. Refusing to say a single word. It wasn't until that night, after Maura had checked them into the Four Seasons and lay next to Jane in the bed that she spoke. _

_"Thank you, Maur." They turned to each other, making eye contact. "For everything you've done and will do for me."_

_Maura smiled at her and held Jane and she cried again into Maura's shoulder._

* * *

Neither of them spoke, they just stared emptily out the window at the waves crashing on the beach. It was almost serene, despite the fact that they both felt like those waves. They were both breaking and crashing over and over again, an endless loop. But the shore loves the ocean too much and is there to catch it when it breaks and crashes, when it rises and falls. Jane was the ocean, and Maura was the shore- repeatedly crashing into each other looking for a sense of normalcy.

"Where did you go?" Casey asked quietly. When she turned to look at him, he was studying her face as if he'd never see it again. The way her nose slopes and eyes curve. The freckle just behind her ear and the way her hair settles naturally. It would forever plague him the way he'd left her, that he'd ever let her go.

She met his eyes, both of them somber. "Our wedding day." Casey turned away, he knew it would have been brought up sooner or later. He didn't know where to find the words to make her understand. Maybe if it had been her who had to stop being a detective for their marriage. "The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained." It wasn't more than a whisper.

Maura appeared in the doorway, hidden from Casey's view. They locked eyes and Maura knew that Jane needed out, needed to go away from this place and his memories. From the ghosts that told her just how weak she was. But Casey reached out to her, wincing in pain from the way his skin now stretched, the unfamiliar pull over his muscles.

"Jane- you have to understand. Had it been you, could you have lived giving up being a detective?"

She stood up, anger flashing behind her pain. Crossing over to him she took his hand in hers, allowing him to trace the familiar ridges of her scars. "You asked me, Casey. And leaving the military was my deal breaker. You could have said no. We could have been perpetual lovers, there wasn't a need for a marriage. And I will never understand how you could have done that to me."

Jane turned away from him, walking cautiously to the woman who waited for her in the doorway. She needed Maura's strength right now, wanted her to spout facts at her about the uncleanliness of scrubs and hospital cafeterias. Wanted her make her feel whole. As she reached the door, fumbling blindly for Maura's hand hidden by her body she turned to look at Casey.

"I will be here tomorrow for you prosthetics appointment. I will be here tomorrow and every day after to help you with your physical therapy. Maura and I will be your family, friends and support system. I will not let you shut me out like you had done before. Despite how you did it, I plan to leave you in exactly the same condition as when I found you."

They didn't wait to hear Casey's mumbled thank you. They didn't wait to see Dr. Thorpe again before they left, Jane just simply grasped Maura's hand. She prayed it would be enough to hold her off until they got to the hotel. Maura eyed her cautiously, preparing for her to break down again but Jane herself honestly didn't know how she felt- if she was even capable of another break down.

They climbed into the car, Maura sitting elegantly in the drivers seat. She eyed Jane from her peripherals, wondering if she should question her about how she was feeling. About how she was handling and coping with everything. Instead Jane looked at her suddenly.

"I want to get you a ring now." The words came out fast but deliberate. Maura was unsure of this decision. She had questioned Jane's earlier decision of getting married but in the end it had turned out to be what they both wanted. But now, wanting Maura to have a ring the very next day?

Maura just nodded and plugged the request into the gps.

They drove about forty minutes before arriving at their destination. A large store that Jane equated it's size relative to Costco boasted that it was the worlds "engagement ring store". Jane didn't make any quips about the stores catch phrase or numerous marketing ploys. Instead she ushered Maura in the front door, telling her to lead the way.

Jane saw way too many rings for one day. She saw square and circular rings, some in a shape she didn't even understand. They had thin and fat bands that looked like bracelets instead of rings. It was all very confusing for her, to hear Maura chat happily with their sales assistant, Bethany, on the cuts and karats. When Bethany inquired as to whom was getting married Maura looked questioningly at Jane. She told her then that Maura was and she was just there for support.

The excitement dimmed a little at Jane's lack of confession. Maura was getting engaged and Jane was a friend and there for support, but she was also the one Maura was marrying. She didn't particularly want any of the large center diamonds on simple bands that Jane kept pointing out, figuring that Maura would want the largest diamond. In fact, Maura was perfectly content with a diamond between one and a half to two karats for the center stone.

But that's when she found the perfect ring. A two karat round diamond balancing delicately in a lotus flower setting, the first layer of petals inset with diamonds in 18 karat rose gold. The rest of the ring was platinum, inset with diamonds going halfway down the band. It was absolutely stunning. As soon as Bethany handed her the ring and watched as it slid perfectly on her finger she was in love.

Jane saw the ring and had to catch her breath. It was so...Maura. The flower was delicate, just as she was. And the rose gold complimented her sense of style and sophistication. But the diamond at the top had the air of tradition. It was simply perfect for the medical examiner. Jane caught Maura's eye and asked to talk to her. Maura reluctantly have Bethany the ring as they stepped aside.

"Give me either your credit card or your check book." Jane demanded.

Maura's face fell. Maybe Jane hated the ring and just wanted to buy it for her as a surprise. But what if Maura disliked the ring? "Jane...I'd rather be a part-"

"No, Maura. I want to buy you THAT ring. The one you just had on. But I know I can't afford it, so give me the way you wanted to pay for it so I can feel manly."

Maura smiled brilliantly at her fiancé, impressed at the way she handled the whole experience. Maura reached into her purse and discreetly handed Jane her card before going back to Bethany. Taking her wallet out Jane mixed it in with her two other cards, pretending to decide which card. Finally when Maura had moved over to a different counter, Jane approached Bethany. She picked the lotus ring and asked her to total it up. Jane had a mild heart attack when the cost came just under $12,500. She asked if Maura knew the price. Bethany answered that Maura had seemed shocked it was on the lower price range.

When Bethany handed her the ring, she quietly asked the associate to gather all the employees. Bethany smiled excitedly, moving quickly as approached Maura from behind. She tapped Maura's elbow quietly and the examiner turned around. Jane dropped efficiently to her knee.

"Maura Isles, I know this isn't your ideal, 'wear a dress and put in make up' evening out, and you probably didn't want this to be in a store but here goes. I love you. And I can't imagine my life without you in it, even if you are incessantly spouting facts at me. I love you and I want to always love you. So with this ring, I am promising you exactly that, to love you forever. Maura, will you marry me?"

Tears were forming in Maura's eyes as she knelt down to meet Jane. She kissed her detective passionately, without reserve because she knew she'd never see these people again. Jane reciprocated and placed the ring delicately on Maura's finger. The entire store clapped loudly and excitedly, the happiness real on the majority of the staffs faces. The couple thanked them before heading out the door and back to their room.

Jane had barely been able to shut the suite door before Maura was ripping off Jane's clothes. They did not waste any time in consummating the new status of their relationship. Jane was gentle in her lovemaking, this was not one of those times when they couldn't get enough of each other, or be melded against the other deep enough. This was passion, plain and simple. Maura and Jane loved each other. They needed to act upon the fact that they loved each other and thus, the sex that night was slow and tender.

When they had finished, both cumming multiple times, leaving their bodies shaking and convulsing, Jane lay holding Maura. Their hands entwined, Jane kept eyeing Maura's new ring, and the symbol that would tell everyone she was Jane's. Slowly, Maura fell into a deep sleep, Jane twisting Maura's blonde hair around her fingertips. Jane eventually fell asleep as well, slowly and peacefully, but it was a sleep that did not stay peaceful…

* * *

_The sun was just setting behind the Boston skyline as Jane pulled up to the house. It was a normal, two level house with a small porch. A rotting wood fence separated it from the sidewalk, the yard a mess with dead grass and weeds, yellowing in the darkness. A large tree sprouted from the center of the yard, probably planted to provide shade during the hot Boston summers. It's branches were devoid of leaves, it's bark dark and patchy, falling around it's base. From a large branch, a tire swing had been anchored with rope. It swing eerily in the quiet dusk, as if a small child's ghost still pushed himself off the trunk. Jane could still hear the pull of the rope as it swung. _

_The gate had rotted away years ago, laying in a pile of decaying wood at the base of the walk. Jane carefully stepped around it as she approached the front of the house. The porch had been painted white to contrast the wood and brickwork of it's facade. But the paint was peeling and chipping away from years of neglect. She tested the stairs with her foot gently, not wanting to fall through. When it appeared to support her, she reached for the gun in her holster and ambled expertly up the stairs and across the porch. _

_The screen door hung limply from it's hinges, the top undone completely. The wind blew gently enough that the screen just barely hit the door frame, goosebumps crawling down the hardened detective's neck. Jane was careful as she stepped through the doorway, the actual door propped open with an old bowling ball in it's bag. The alarm bells went off in Jane's head. She'd no idea why she was in the house, but everything was falling apart around her, everything covered in a layer of decay and dust. So why was the bowling bag brand new? _

_The formal living room to her left was clear, along with the coat closet and door leading to the garage and basement on the right hand side. _

_Jane continued down the hall, passing the stairs leading up, she cleared the kitchen and living room. Retracing her steps, she went up the stairs, surprised to find a light coming from one of the back rooms. It wasn't much, the door was closed and the light was faint. She twisted the knob but it was locked from the inside. Taking a deep breath she forced the door open by using her shoulder. The door crumbled to paint chips around her feet. _

_Inside the room she found a single lamp without it's shade in the far corner. And beneath it was Casey. She holstered her gun and raced over to him. He had been horribly disfigured, his legs weren't there, just bloody pools above where his kneecaps should be. The khaki pants he wore were torn horribly, someone had crudely removed his legs and left him to bleed. His chest had been burned with what Jane recognized as acid burns on the right side of his torso and arm. Jane was crying now, trying help him but when she looked at his face, his throat had been cut down to the bone. She clasped her hands over her mouth as she leaned away from him on her heels. _

_"JANE!" The bloodcurdling scream tore her away from Casey. _Maura_. She stood up and grabbed her gun once again. The rest of the rooms were empty, the scream sounding as if it had come from the basement. When she descended the stairs, the basement door had been left wide open, not the way she had left it before finding Casey. Taking a deep breath she entered the landing of the basement, peering below she saw the flickering of a lamp in the furthest corner. _

_Jane did the best she could to brace herself before taking the stairs downward one at a time. She hoped she would get to Maura in time, they had so much left to do together, this could not be the end of them. But the scene at the bottom of the basement was just as horrific as the one upstairs. _

_Jane dropped her gun, running over to Maura's corpse. Her eyes were open wide and faced in the stairs direction, her throat cut just as Casey's had been. This time though, Maura's dress had been pushed up just below her breasts, her underwear torn and laying beside her. Jane stroked Maura's hair as she saw his signature- her abdomen sliced open, her uterus displayed proudly upon her chest, a trophy for latter. Inside, he had placed her medical examiners badge, a plastic bag with her engagement ring, and the photo strip the couple had taken at the mall weeks before. A shrine to everything Jane had loved, in the shell of her dead lover. _

_"Janie..." His voice came from behind her, dancing upon the darkened air as he moved her hair away from her neck. He leaned into her, inhaling deeply. "Mmm- fear and...lavender." The way he said lavender made her shiver, as if he lived just for this moment. _

_"I've been waiting a long time for this moment, Janie." He pulled her up from beneath her elbow. Jane complied and moved toward the corner with the lamp. A purple blanket lay on the floor, two candles on one corner. He twisted her around so she could finally see his face. _

_Charles Hoyt. Aptly named the "Surgeon" after the operations he performed on his victims. The same he had just performed on Maura. Jane had been stalking him for years, the near misses haunting her with every step. And now he had her. But it didn't matter, Maura was dead and Jane would soon follow. _

_He noticed that her eyes still lingered upon Maura's face. He smiled and looked over at Maura. "Do you like it? I did it just for you." He brushed the scalpel along her cheek. "I figured you would have wanted company."_

_Hoyt forcefully pushed her backward onto the blanket, ripping into the belt on her pants. Jane struggled against him so he pinned her arm away from her body, slamming a scalpel through the center with all his anger. She screamed out in pain. He smiled as he forced her other arm away, forcing another scalpel into the ground. _

_He breathed in her scent, pulling off her pants and underwear. "Oh Janie, I've been waiting years to finish my work." He paused, his face buried in her hair. "To finish you." And with that he was inside her, raping her like all the other women he murdered. Only his audience was a dead fiancé not even five feet away. When he had finished, he took his scalpel, tracing her abdomen with his fingertips. She heard his menacing laugh as he dug the scalpel into her stomach._

* * *

Jane woke up to Maura slapping her face. The motion surprised the detective who reached for the gun she kept under the pillow. But Maura had flipped on the light and Jane saw the frightened medical examiners face as she nakedly straddled Jane.

"Jane, what is going on?" Maura cupped her cheek gently where she had slapped her before. Jane took a deep breath before tracing the invisible scar that would have been on Maura's abdomen had Hoyt really gotten to her. Maura sat there silently as Jane did so, eventually settling by pulling Maura down to embrace her in a tight hug.

She sighed heavily. "It was just a nightmare. You're here and I'm okay, and I love you." She gripped Maura.

Maura squirmed to turn the light off again, enveloping them in a soft darkness. "I know. I love you too, Jane. More than you know."

* * *

**Thank you for reading, I hope you guys liked the chapter! Please leave me comments and reviews, I can't wait to hear from you!**


	8. It's Just Your Body's Mistake

**A/N: Thank you to all the followers and reviews I've been getting. This is the chapter in which everything changes, it's also a long one. Sorry guys, here's the hurricane I promised at the beginning. Stick with me!**

**Also, just a quick thanks to Rhiannon for helping me bounce some ideas off her all the time and helping make some of the decisions I couldn't force myself to choose. Also a shout out to Victoria, for inspiring me to bring out the childish side of Casey.**

* * *

Jane had left early again that morning, Maura waking up alone. She lay there tangled in the down comforter of their suite's bed. It had been two weeks since the couple came rushing to California for Casey. Maura understood why they were there, why Jane was so set to get him fully rehabilitated before they went home. But no one else could figure it out, Angela, Frankie, and Tommy all calling with their protests. And when Jane had stopped answering their calls Maura started receiving them.

But it was also the endless string of messages from Korsak begging them to come back so he could rid himself of all the newbies and Dr. Pike. Cavanaugh called asking when Jane might be able to come back, there was only so much bereavement leave she could take, much of her vacation days used up already. Maura did not have answers for them, she just listened quietly on the other end. She was too drained to care about their problems.

But she got up and dressed in yoga pants, a sports bra and one of Jane's tank tops. Grabbing a towel from the bathroom she headed down the elevator to the resort's gym. "Good morning, Miss Isles." The receptionist greeted her as she signed in at the gym. Maura smiled politely back at him. They had been here so long the staff was beginning to recognize them. She took her normal spot on the treadmill, placing her headphones and listening to the familiar soft rock of Jane's iPod.

For the two weeks they had been there she went to the gym every morning. In the beginning when Jane had been reluctant to go to the hospital so early she joined Maura. It was their way of releasing every pent up emotion. And the less Jane had gone, the more she had closed up on Maura, building her emotional walls thicker and larger. Jane was quiet and withdrawn, talking less and less about Casey's recovery. She even withdrew when they slept, Jane pulling away every time Maura accidentally brushed against her.

Maura got most of her updates from Dr. Thorpe, calling when she knew Jane was in therapy with Casey. Thorpe might not have understood the relationship she and Jane had, but she understood what was happening, seeing plenty of couples go through the same things. From what Maura heard, Casey was well on his way to recovery. Thorpe saw no reason not to discharge him within the month to his base housing. Then she and Jane could leave, the hospital staff would fully outfit it for Casey's needs until he could make permanent arrangements. They'd even set up for a driver to take him to and from therapy appointments.

So why was Jane so reluctant to pull away from Casey? Had it been the closeness that brought up memories? Or maybe she still loved him and was having trouble separating her love for Maura and her love for Casey. Whatever her reasons, Jane was closing up again. It was the same Jane Rizzoli that she had seen after her first incident with Hoyt. She had completely closed for weeks, allowing no one into her apartment, speaking to no one, not even her family. She asked for a new partner, abandoning Korsak, shut Maura out completely. In fact, Maura was the last person she made up with after Hoyt. It had all been too much for their friendship to handle.

Maura pushed the thoughts from her brain, focusing on a song that Jane loved. She flexed her muscles and pushed herself through the hour before hopping off and heading back up to her room. She took a shower, blow dried her hair, applied her make-up, zipped up her red dress and was just pulling on her black heels as a knock was heard on the door. Maura smiled, her visitor was right on time. Opening the door she smiled warmly at her mother, Constance.

Constance had been in San Diego for a gallery opening, and upon hearing Maura and Jane were still in town she had made arrangements for them to grab a lunch together. They chatted happily while Constance's driver made his way through the city to a fancy Italian restaurant. Her mother had noticed that ever since Maura began spending more time with Jane she favored everything Italian.

While her daughter hadn't said that her relationship had changed with Jane, there was a difference in the air. There was a specific reason she had flown across the country with her best friend to stay cooped up in a hotel room while her friend attended to her disable ex-fiance. Something strange was going on between Jane and Maura and she was going to find out what.

The waiter done exactly what Constance had asked and placed them in a back corner booth away from other patrons. Maura appreciated her mother's discretion, knowing there were things the two of them needed to talk about. It helped that she had some liquid courage of a mimosa.

"Maura, is there something you need to talk to me about?" Constance asked as she picked at her pasta.

Maura was quiet for a few moments before looking into her mother's eyes. "Do you remember back in college when I protested naked upon a horse?"

Constance laughed fondly. "Yes, of course! You were so passionate and naive at that age."

"Well I never told you that my..._girlfriend_ convinced me to do it with her." Constance just looked at Maura. The revelation was not something surprising, she'd figured Maura had something more going on with that roommate and now she was seeing the connections with Jane. She also couldn't help but notice the faint outline of a ring on Maura's ring finger. There had been a ring there for the past two weeks, and now it's gone.

"It doesn't surprise me, dear. And it won't change how I feel about you in either direction." Maura was shocked. Her mother didn't care? She could be gay and the relationship just building between them could stay the same? They could finally tell her mother they were getting married? "Oh, Maura, don't look so surprised. I would never love you any less if you were gay. Especially since I approve of your partner."

"You know about Jane?"

"Darling, the whole world practically knows the way you two look at each other. The way she's so fiercely protective of you." Maura reached into her purse and pulled out the ring box, sliding it carefully across the table. Constance opened it and gasped. "It's perfect for you, Maura. But how did Jane afford it?"

Maura blushed. "I'm paying for the wedding. All of it."

"Don't be silly. Your father and I will pay for your wedding." Constance scoffed, picking at her food again. "When will it happen? When can I start planning with Angela?"

"Well, that's the thing. I've promised to marry her but we're not actually ready for a wedding. Jane wants one of those long, drawn-out engagements."

"Seems better this way. Everything with Casey had happened so fast before, perhaps its better she wait. Though I can understand her wanting to stake her claim on you."

"Mother, I'm not something Jane Rizzoli nor any other person can stake a claim on. I agreed to marry her because I love her wholeheartedly. I only ask for the same." But that was where the trouble lay. Did Jane really love her the way she loved Jane?

Constance set down her fork, picking up on Maura's mood. Jane was fiercely protective of Maura, and would do anything to make her happy. She had always been one to help glue the medical examiner back together, especially after Constance's stay in the hospital all the years before. "That's the problem isn't it? You're unsure of Jane's true feelings."

Maura paused. It was impressive the way her mother was able to tune into her feelings now that they were working on their relationship. The way she had known about Jane and Maura and never even questioned if it upset her. Constance was just that way- she didn't question her relativity to these things, they were just facts. Like art was just art. Maura was gay, Jane was her fiancé. There wasn't a question behind them, they held their own weight.

"A week ago I wouldn't have questioned it, wouldn't have questioned her. But with Casey...she's just changed so much. It's as like it was before Hoyt, she's pulling away from me." Maura had placed her engagement ring on her finger, tucking the box back in her purse. She twisted it carefully, feeling it's weight. "I look at this ring and I remember the way she wanted to buy it, the way she would have spent years scraping pennies off the sidewalk and coins down couches to pay for it. I think that that memory is the Jane Rizzoli I'm in love with, who I want to marry."

Constance looked at her questioningly. "Jane would have spent years trying to pay me back for this ring. She would have done everything, given me every bonus and every cent of overtime so I had been fully reimbursed. She would have had a passion about her. And now she's just walking around me like I'm a ghost. She's stopped pushing me to let her pay or to do this or that. It's like all the fire has left her heart."

She understood her daughters dilemma now. If Jane has lost her passion, did that mean she lost her love as well? "Maura, darling, perhaps you should speak to Jane about it. Visit her and Casey? I can't begin to imagine the toll this is taking on her. When your grandmother was dying, your father poured every single minute he had to be at her side. There wasn't time for me or you, it was her well-being that came first. We had our worst fights those weeks. I came to learn that your father resented me for being untouched by his pain and struggle. He'd poured every bit of emotion he could into her well-being and we were untouched. Maybe Jane is the same, she doesn't want to bear this burden alone."

* * *

Jane had spent two weeks taking care of Casey. Every time she was there he tried to charm her, to use his humor to try and win her back. But she had dodged his attempts and focused on business. His prosthetics appointment had gone well, the therapist and Casey had settled on prosthetics with artificial feet so that physical therapy would go easier. The therapist pulled Jane aside and told her Casey would need a good pair of walking shoes.

That evening, she and Maura had gone shopping at a local mall. Casey had given them is credit card, wanting to pay for them himself. But a good pair of running/walking shoes was in the hundred dollar range, far out of his price range. The therapist had agreed with Casey when he said he didn't want any of those white geriatric shoes that made people state at him like he was an old man. Maura ended up finding a pair of neon green mesh shoes with an orange sole and neon blue lining and accents. The couple agreed the shoes would be perfect but ran in the 150$ range. Maura paid for the shoes despite Jane and Casey's protests. She just shrugged them off and paid, telling Jane she would make up for it by letting him pay for dinner. They placed his card at the check for 40$ at the end of the night.

That had been the last time she and Jane were close. Slowly Jane had pulled away, this burden she was feeling with Casey became too much for her to bear. She refused to let Maura come with her to the hospital and woke up early before her fiancé could protest. But Casey needed her more than Maura did right now. She helped him every day in physical therapy, the therapists happy with their shoe choice, telling her that when he wore them in public people who were caught staring could play it off as looking at his shoes.

They helped Casey too when he needed to reach his feet. While they weren't actually there anymore, the bright color helped him locate the end of his legs every time. It was a technique the therapists often used, giving their patients a way to find the bottom, since they could no longer feel the ground beneath them. Jane understood now why Casey hadn't wanted her around for his first injury. It was physically and emotionally draining to watch him struggle to walk, the determination in his face and the utter disappointment when he'd failed.

So every night she had to get him settled in his hospital bed, remove his legs, rub out the cramps and spasms at the base of the amputation and then leave. She broke her heart every day walking in and out of that room. And to go back to Maura, warm and kind and sweet, loving Maura whom Jane knew would be taking care of her the way she's taking care of Casey without a single doubt. But Jane had doubts.

Was this right? Would it hurt Casey? Would it hurt her more? Where did Maura fit in? How long could they run away from their lives? And so each night Jane lay awake at night pondering what she was doing with the woman she loved and wanted to marry wasting away in a hotel room because her ex-fiancé had gotten himself blown up. She was beginning to see how both Maura and Casey resented her, Maura with her leaving before she could wake up and returning after she was asleep. What was the point in marrying a ghost in love with someone else? And Casey because when he was done being mad at himself he needed someone else to blame, someone who was there by force and had working legs.

He did that often, especially in physical therapy. Jane's head wasn't in it, she knew Maura was having a lunch date with Constance. She wondered if Maura would tell her mother she was engaged- to Jane. Had she attended the lunch like she was supposed to, perhaps she and Maura could have talked about it. But it was far too late for that.

She heard Casey grunt from across the room. They were in the physical therapy lab, their particular room was empty besides her, Casey and the physical therapist. Casey was working on the parallel bars again, his least favorite therapy. The therapist pushed him to walk to full length of the bars and turn around to do it again. That was his day, walk ten feet and turn around, walk ten feet and turn around. Sometimes he fell, sometimes he gripped the bars and refused to move, sometimes he flew through the hour like nothing was holding him back. Today was not one of those days. He'd already fallen once and was upset about it. What was it with prosthetic legs that just didn't feel like working?

Jane left her daydream to help him. She walked in front of him, facing him as he held firmly onto either her hips or shoulders- he preferred her hips. The therapist did too, this gave Casey less of a balance advantage and pushed his limits. But Casey was tripping over his fake feet and couldn't get them to maneuver the way he knew his body used to. The therapist wasn't helping either, just telling Casey that it was perfectly normal to fall at this stage. Even if he had been on his legs for two weeks his muscles needed to adjust and he would fall. But Casey was a perfectionist, he wanted his recovery to go his way- and you can't force limbs that aren't there to cooperate. But that's when he slipped on the mat, pushing his heel too far forward and falling on his ass before Jane could catch him.

He landed with a thud and looked up at Jane with defeat in his eyes. This was killing her, if she could give him her own legs she would. But he needed to find his own strength, he was stealing so much of her own that she had nothing left for herself. And as she reached down to help him up something else flashed behind that helplessness- anger. He was mad at her for letting him fall, for letting him go to Afghanistan. Maybe if she had been as stubborn as she normally was he would've stayed in Boston, raising at least one of their children. Instead he was sprawled on the floor of a veterans hospital in California without legs.

"Casey- let's try again ok? I'll put my hands on your hips and you do my shoulders. If you start to fall again I'll be able to catch you better." She reached out her hand to him. But Casey was stubborn, and pissed off.

"Maybe you should just leave, Jane." He spat at her.

"We're not even half way done."

"I don't need you here, Jane." The way he said the words made her flashback to her wedding day, he hadn't needed her then either. But she was also drawn to her nightmare, finding Casey dead at Hoyt's hands. Finding Maura dead.

"Casey...please." He pushed her hand away and she walked toward the door by the therapist writing notes on a piece of paper. Jane stopped to mention how she's been noticing his lack of determination in his behavior when a neon green shoe smacked into the side of her head.

"STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!" He screamed at them. Jane turned, her anger bubbling over, he had thrown his shoe at her head. The nerve the man had. "I'm not dead, stop acting as if I'm not here."

"Did you just throw your goddamn shoe at me?" Casey's eyes widened at the tone behind Jane's voice. He'd really done it this time, pushed the lines of Jane's seemingly unlimited patience. And yet he was finally seeing the woman he had fallen in love with, the impatient, passionate Jane Rizzoli.

"Yes, I threw my shoe at you." He narrowed his eyes, he was going to stick his ground. He wouldn't have fallen if Jane had just caught him like she was supposed to. "Jane just go- I don't want you here."

"You sure as hell wanted me here two weeks ago when you were laying alone in a hospital bed with no family." She was snarky and pissed off. She saw the pain and anger flash behind Casey's eyes as she turned to walk out of the physical therapy lab. Jane heard it before she felt it, the swoosh of something flying through the air. And the unmistakable feel of a shoe hitting her in the back, square between the shoulders. She did not stop to allow Casey the satisfaction of breaking her down. Instead she heard the therapist scold Casey: "Now you get to retrieve your shoes and lace them back up. No groaning, Jones."

* * *

Jane drove the complicated streets of San Diego on her way back to the resort. She was fuming mad, the way Casey had been acting the past few days in therapy upset her, he just seemed to be giving up. This was not the Casey she had known and loved, he had recovered so quickly after his surgery the first time. But Maura kept reminding her that he'd had a reason to recover then- her.

She drove along the coast, missing the harbors of Boston and the familiar feel of home. This place was foreign, it screamed Casey. She understood how he could call this place home for four years, the beaches and sun, temperature never dipping out of the mid-sixties. It was a tourist destination, never stopping or slowing down, just the ever rise and fall of visitors, like the tide. Jane could lose herself in that tide, take Maura and dip into the flow of an outdoor mall and never return.

But she'd also miss the things that made up who she was, the Boston accent and Italian cooking always coming out of her mother's kitchen. The greenery that made up the Commons, the snow covered landscape of winter, Maura tucked into boots and a pea coat. Tommy and TJ playing at a park, Frankie whistling over the women at the Dirty Robber, Korsak's banter. Jane was homesick and knew of only one place she'd always be home- Maura's arms.

Jane's anger hadn't eased any in the sea-front drive back to the resort, almost throwing the keys at the valet driver. She stormed through the lobby, impatiently slamming the button to the top floor, to Maura. The card key is trickier, taking her a couple tries before the door unlocks, pricking up her annoyance. Things in Boston were easier, in Boston hotels had actual keys. Her anger rose still when she entered the room to find the suite empty. _Where the hell was Maura?_

The medical examiner was on the balcony, reading a case file on her laptop from one of Pike's most recent autopsies. Senior Criminalist, Susie Chang had requested Maura look it over, there were some inconsistencies in his findings. Maura would have prefered to leave Susie in charge but she hadn't graduated her school yet, following in chief medical examiner's footsteps. As she spotted several of the mistakes Pike had made she heard Jane slam the door closed. Sighing, she placed the computer on the empty chair next to her and stood up.

Jane stormed through their bedroom and to the glass doors leading to the balcony. Maura stood there, leaning against the railing in her tight red dress and bare feet, computer screen glowing, sun setting behind her. It was some sort of movie-like scene and it made Jane need her even more. Maura sees the frustration and anger written all over Jane's face. Something had gone wrong at Casey's physical therapy appointment, Jane was never home this early, never this frustrated.

So when the brunette barreled through the doors, seizing Maura's hips beneath her hands and presses her firmly against the railing, forcing her lips upon Maura's, the medical examiner isn't surprised. She twists her hands familiarly through Jane's curls, trying to force her body up to meet the brunette's. But Jane is pressing against her with an anger, a flame that can only be quenched by Maura alone.

When Maura tries to speak, ask Jane what's gotten into her, Jane simply forces her lips upon hers once more. Hands still gripping Maura's waist, Jane steers her down to the chaise lounge on the balcony, sitting down as Maura straddles her. Reaching behind, Jane fumbles with the zipper before tearing the dress at the seams, going down to Maura's lower back. She pushes the dress off Maura's appalled shoulders, didn't Jane know how much that designer dress cost? Maura reached for Jane's shirt, lifting it above her head as Jane scrunched the red dress around Maura's waist. It a swift movement, Maura was beneath Jane, sprawled out on the lounge.

Jane stood and slipped her pants off as Maura squirmed out of her dress, throwing the useless fabric to the floor. Climbing atop Maura, she reaches around and yanks against Maura's bra so forcefully that the clasps break and she throws the bra in a pile with the dress. Jane kisses Maura's neck, cupping one of her exposed breasts, fingering the nipple. Maura archs up to meet Jane's body, whimpering silently to herself as Jane kisses down Maura's anatomically symmetrical body until she reaches her red lace boyshorts.

The panties do not last long as Jane once again rips them from Maura's body, haphazardly throwing them away, hungering for the wetness at the doctor's center. It's not long before Jane kneels at the end of the lounge, pulling Maura's body down so that she tongues Maura's clit. Her tongue traces Maura as she becomes wetter, Jane lapping up the juices greedily. Her body tingles and whimpers silently.

Jane sits up, wiping Maura from around her lips, quickly slipping her fingers inside the stunned medical examiner. Jane is so forceful, her breathing labored, she has never been this rough with Maura before. Maura's not said a single word to stop or complain about the new sensations, overwhelmed in the state of euphoria. Jane keeps Maura hyperventilating with every thrust inside her. As her climax nears, Jane reaches further into her and makes Maura cum so intensely, catching the women by surprise. The cum has squirted all over the chaise, making both women sticky, Maura turning bright red with embarrassment. Jane sucks on her dripping fingers, staring intently into the bright hazel eyes now wide with the intensity of her orgasm, Jane asserting her dominance with her glare.

As Maura recovers from her orgasm, Jane starts to take off her bra as she stands up, exposing her perky breasts. As her nipples harden from the crisp air, Jane then bites her lip; sitting in anticipation of Maura's next move. Maura draws Jane to sit on the lounge chair, slowly drawing her fingers along the pronounced hip bones of the fit and sexy detective. Maura straddles Jane as the brunette combs her fingers through the golden hair tenderly before grasping the back of Maura's hair near her neck, pulling straight back to expose the front of Maura's neck. With her neck extended she knew Jane was in charge of this situation and still very much in a state of aggression.

Maura timidly lifted her hands from the hips of her powerful lover, not breaking eye contact, hands trembling from pure adrenaline seeping from deep within her. Jane smiles, the kind of smile that makes Maura's knees shake. Maura then impatiently grabs Jane's underwear and throws them to the floor. Jane grabs the blonde a little harder and just tugs on her tousled hair to remind her that no matter what she thinks, Jane is ultimately in charge. Maura gives a devilish smirk and kisses the base of Jane's neck, distracting her from what Maura wants most; to be deep inside Jane.

Maura knows at this angle, she can hit the spot Jane loves most deep inside of her. The medical examiner acts quickly, reaching and getting deep within Jane. Jane's surprised moans and screams excite Maura in a way that she just continues to go deeper, faster and harder. There's no stopping Maura when she hears the deep heavy breathing of her detective. As Jane's voice gets higher and higher, Maura knows that her gamble is about to pay off and Jane will orgasm. As Jane orgasms, she lets Maura's hair slip from her grasp, pulling Maura down on top of her.

They lay naked on the chaise letting the ocean breezes pass over them, cooling their heated skin. Maura listens to the waves crashing beneath them, this love making had been different from all those before them, there was anger here, and a raw emotion neither had tapped into before. Jane was playing absently with Maura's hair as she calmed herself down, she'd been wrong to pull away from her. Maura pulled up slightly to look into Jane's eyes, the emotion changed from angry frustration to complete love and adoration. Knowing what this meant for them, Maura kissed Jane passionately before laying her head against the detective's heart and falling asleep to it's steady rhythm.

* * *

The next day's physical therapy had gone much better, Casey less angry and even apologizing for his childish behavior to Jane. She had accepted his apology later in his room, commenting that it was just his body's mistake, not his. He had quieted at that, they'd been eating lunch in his room, he was sitting up in the bed inhaling the hamburgers Jane had picked up. Thoughts were running through his head at the admission, Jane didn't seem him as handicap, no matter how many times she'd actually said it, this time he knew she meant it.

"Is that why you don't love me anymore?" He asked quietly, discarding his empty wrapper on the nightstand. She looked curiously up at him. "It's just your body's mistake?"

"Casey...a lot of things changed when you left." Jane paused, getting up to throw away their combined trash, feeling Casey's eyes watching her the entire time. "But that having been said, I never stopped loving you, I don't think I ever can."

The words sprung new hope into him. The look on his face made Jane sit on the edge of his bed, where his legs had been amputated. He grabbed for her hand, tracing her scars tenderly. She closed her eyes and twisted her head in his direction. He cupped her cheek and pulled her to him, she lay against his side, burying her face into his shoulder.

"Jane, look at me." She obeyed and looked up into his clear blue eyes. His lips met hers tenderly, he'd been waiting four long years for that kiss. She knew it was wrong, to be like this after last night with Maura, finally letting her in, finally holding her tightly. But that kiss had sparked something within the detective and before she knew it her clothes were flying all over the room.

Maura had decided to surprise Casey and Jane at the hospital. She'd gotten permission from Dr. Thorpe to take him out of the hospital on a day trip to dinner. It was a painstaking task to find a restaurant in the immediate area that was private enough for Maura and access friendly for Casey. She'd settled for one, going to the restaurant and giving the manager a rather large donation to the restaurant to set it up in a way that would make Casey think they were normally this handicap friendly.

She even stopped by and picked him up some new clothes, hoping that Casey would prefer shorts but bought pants too, just in case he decided to wear his prosthetics. Maura was so happy that she didn't notice the closed door of Casey's room or the drawn curtain, the rustling noises or squeak of the bed. In fact, she'd been humming to herself the whole day, happy that Jane had finally opened herself back up to her.

So when she opened the door and walked into the room and found a naked Jane atop a naked Casey she let out a surprised sob. The pain of the blind betrayal took her by such a surprise she didn't even register the pain and shock in Jane's eyes. Instead, Maura threw the clothes she'd bought Casey and brought Jane at them, a painful scream escaping from her throat as she turned and ran from the room. Jane pulled herself off Casey, reaching around blindly for her underwear. Casey pulled the blanket over himself as Jane slipped into the dress Maura had brought her, preparing to run after her.

Casey reached out and grabbed her wrist. "Why was she so upset? And why are you so determined to go running after her?"

Pulling from his grasp she took a few steps toward the door before turning to look back at Casey. "Because she's the someone else I met. I'm engaged Casey, and Maura is my fiance."

* * *

**A/N: I know you all probably hate me right now. Please comment and let me know how you're feeling about the direction this is headed! I love hearing from you! Thanks again Rhiannon and Victoria!**


	9. Behind These Hazel Eyes

**A/N: I want to start this chapter off addressing the comments and concerns I received about chapter 8. This story isn't about presenting the characters you all know and love in a way that you all want and expect- this has been my take on their complicated love story. A love story that hasn't even existed yet. That being said- I will not edit or change any part of chapter 8. If this makes you lose your patience with me and my story, then I am sorry and I hope you enjoyed their love story in the earlier chapters. This is not the end of our dynamic duo, it is far from it, but there will be major changes in the way the women deal with their day-to-day lives. I am writing this as I go, each chapter thought out, written, and edited within the course of a week. While I keep saying this story will end Rizzles, if I find that I cannot write it in that ending, then it will change. I am heading in that direction, I am taking my inspiration from watching Callie and Arizona's struggle on Grey's Anatomy. I do not think that cheating always ends a relationship, and that if two people love each other enough, they will learn to struggle through the betrayal to find each other again. **

**That having been said, there was a reason I chose to title my story, "Her Fearful Symmetry". I chose that title because of the two definitions of symmetry:**

**1. A vague sense of harmonious and beautiful proportion and balance**

**2. an exact mathematical "patterned self-similarity" that can be demonstrated with the rules of a formal system, such as geometry or physics  
**

**Both of which I feel can be used to define Jane and Maura, they are two halves of one whole, and to come together like that for these women is a very fearful thing. This will be the last time I feel the need to defend my story, I received so much hate mail and negative reviews that I heavily considered giving up on writing this story. And while I shared this story with everyone so they could go on this journey with me, it was mainly a story I needed to get out of me and write down. This story has been for me, and I am more than immensely thankful so many people have decided to take the journey with me. Those of you here for the long haul, I am incredibly in awe at your patience and support, thank you so much, I look forward to giving you more chapters. **

**I hope you enjoy the chapter.**

* * *

Maura hadn't waited in her escape. Instead she fled the hospital, grabbing a cab back to the resort. She packed all of her clothing, even grabbing some of Jane's. Constance was on the phone within minutes, giving Maura her private plane to go home. At the reception desk, Maura told the manager she was leaving but Jane was staying and to have them bill her card directly when Jane checked out.

The next morning she was back in her home in Boston, carefully packing every single one of Jane's belongings into boxes. Angela and Frankie both tried to get her to speak to them but the more they prodded the more upset Maura became. Eventually she threw them both out. With Frankie, she sent Jane's clothing and personal effects, everything she had brought with her into their home and those they had purchased together.

She returned to work, dodging any questions about Jane or Casey, refusing to be anything but professional. Yet the subtle reminders were still there- the engagement ring Maura had yet to take off her finger. That was a band-aid she preferred to rip off another day.

* * *

Jane passed the rest of the month in Casey's hospital room, checking out of the resort the same day Maura had. While Casey had accepted Jane's admission of being gay and falling for Maura, he kept trying to act as if they were a couple again. Jane refused to touch him, what they had done was unspeakable, unforgivable.

Angela had been right, as soon as she felt cornered or threatened, Jane sabotaged herself, sabotaged her relationship. But she hadn't expected to bring Maura down with her in the crash, the one person she had vowed to protect against everything. But Maura wouldn't return her phone calls or emails or letters. And Frankie told her that all of her belongings were back in his apartment- their apartment.

Korsak didn't give Jane much peace of mind either. He reported that Maura had buried herself in work, taking over every autopsy herself, and when not dissecting, she spent numerous hours detailing every case file. She was the same Maura they'd all known though, happy and bright and smiling- just without Jane. And when Susie had finished her school, Maura spent numerous late night hours helping her prepare for an interview with the city. While Maura herself couldn't make the decision to hire her as a pathologist, she knew the man who was interviewing her.

The detective knew Maura just needed her space, so she coordinated with the local Boston hospital to prepare for Casey's transfer, to set up regular physical therapy appointments. She placed an ad in the paper for an assistant to help him in the ground floor apartment she'd had Tommy search out. She even had all of his belongings shipped to Boston.

While she wasn't going to be jumping back into bed with Casey anytime soon, the feelings she'd had for him had confused her. She thought she knew herself, knew that she hated Casey and didn't love him. But how could she not love him? She'd never given his chapter in her life's book a finish. It was just a run-on sentence waiting to be over.

Yet somehow her heart was still linked to his and until she cut it off, she'd never be able to return to her normal life. A life- she was just beginning to realize- that would be devoid of Maura Isles' love.

Whoever had told her it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all was full of shit.

Jane came back to work on a Tuesday. She'd spent Monday making sure Casey was set up and that his new caregiver, a young woman named Leila were all taken care of. Casey hadn't wanted her to leave, but they both knew she was going to return to work, and eventually they would drift apart and move on. But the worst part of all was that Frankie had not warned Maura.

So when she walked into the bullpen to tell Korsak the cause of death on his newest homicide, she was unprepared to see Jane sitting at her desk, filling out paperwork from the month she'd been gone. Cavanaugh had placed her on desk duty until the psychologist had cleared her for active duty and all her paperwork was completed. At this rate it was going to take her another month.

Maura stopped dead in her tracks, glaring at Frankie who had looked up from his desk behind Jane's. So many emotions flashed across her face, Frankie and Korsak both there to witness it. The bullpen had never gone quieter in those moments. Jane noticed the silence and turned her head to see Maura. Their gazes locked before Maura turned to Korsak's desk, placed the file in his hands and simply stated their homicide had died of a heart attack. Before any of them knew it, Maura had disappeared back through the door and down to the morgue. She left early that day.

The following weeks were more of the same, Jane and Maura limited their contact to almost nothing. They of course saw each other at crime scenes and occasionally Jane would venture down to the morgue to ask for clarification. But they had no other contact at all. Jane had moved out of Maura's house completely, leaving a list of things she had been uncertain of- those were later returned to her via Angela or Frankie.

Maura continued to offer Angela her guest house, even letting them host Sunday dinners. When they had them, Maura made sure she was out of the house completely, usually having dinner and a late movie all by herself. One Sunday however, she bumped into Dr. Capshaw heading into the newest horror movie.

"Oh! Maura, I'm so sorry I didn't even see you there!" The psychologist apologized, picking up the Milk Duds she had dropped. Maura just smiled.

"It's perfectly okay...I'm so sorry, I don't think I ever learned your first name."

"Summer. My name is Summer Capshaw." The women smiled at each other, there was an air of friendliness amongst them, something beyond doctor and patient.

"Well, Summer, would you like to join me for the movie? Unless you're here with your husband?"

Summer's smiled dropped minutely, Maura had not been the only one to have a major crisis in the past months. "I'm actually going through a divorce. Shortly after you and Jane departed for California my husband and I decided to give up."

"Oh. I'm so sorry." Maura felt terrible for bringing it up. "I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories."

"Maura please don't worry about it, you couldn't have known. I try not to bring up personal matters with my patients but seeing as I quit there shouldn't be a problem." The two of them continued to walk into the theatre, grabbing two chairs at the back.

"That's probably why Jane has been having trouble making an appointment." Maura murmured as they settled down.

Summer laughed. "Yes, well, that would be it. Speaking of which, where is Jane tonight?" Summer looked around expectantly, thinking Jane would appear out of nowhere. Maura blushed and then tears formed in the corners of her eyes. She wiped them away quickly.

"Jane and I have broken up." Summer apologized quickly and profusely. But it hadn't been her fault, Maura hadn't returned any of the doctor's voice mails for a return appointment. "Please, don't apologize. It was very unexpected, and I'm trying to move forward as positively as possible."

"If you don't mind, can I ask what happened?"

"We were in California for Jane's ex-fiance, Casey who had been injured in combat in Afghanistan. Jane's told you about Casey, and how he left her before the wedding, well I guess through the years of hating him she never quite dealt with her feelings. Jane's good at burying things like that, never confronting them." Maura smiled. "It wasn't until the second week she discovered that she truly did still love him."

"She cheated, didn't she?" Maura simply nodded as Summer grabbed her hand. "So did my husband, and I just couldn't handle the betrayal."

Maura looked at Summer. "Do you think you'll ever forgive him?"

The look in her eyes broke Maura's heart. "I honestly don't know."

* * *

It had been seven months since the women had arrived back in Boston. In the seven months, Casey had made an almost full recovery, thankful to Jane for hiring a woman he would later fall in love with. Frankie had commented that she should open a matchmaking business. In those seven months, Jane and Casey had confronted their feelings head on, finally talking about everything that had happened four years ago. Jane would always love Casey, but the love was nothing more than brotherly.

In those seven months, Maura had strengthened her relationship with Summer, the two of them becoming closer than either had anticipated. Maura was also heavily conflicted on a choice that could alter her life forever. She was in the process of that decision when Summer walked into her office, a brown paper bag in her hand and a smile on her face. Maura brightened immediately when she entered.

"Summer! What a surprise!" She said, standing up quickly.

The blonde smiled sheepishly at Maura. "You left your lunch this morning. You were in such a rush…"

Her smile dropped marginally, and Maura caught it quickly. She had been in a hurry to leave that morning, not because she wanted to make a fast escape, but because she couldn't bear going into work that morning in last night's dress. In fact, there was nothing wrong with last night at all, Maura had gone over to Summer's apartment, they'd gone on a few dates and decided they'd make their relationship official that night.

Summer had been as hesitant that night as Maura had been the night she and Jane had first made love. She was going to take a completely different approach with Summer than Jane had taken with her. But she had been having the hardest time trying to separate Summer and Jane, though they were both completely different women. That was another reason Maura had been so quick in leaving the next morning, she kept picturing it was Jane against her instead of Summer.

"Oh, Summer. You didn't do anything wrong! I didn't want to come in with the same dress on. People here tend to notice that, actually, last time that happened I was arrested for murder." Maura laughed at her joke but Summer's eyes just widened. Maura ran up to her girlfriend quickly, grabbing her elbows gently. "Because Jane rushed me off to a crime scene where my badge was found before I could change, not because I'd worn the same clothes or murdered anyone."

Summer laughed, and relaxed visibly. The couple continued to talk about the previous night, unaware that Jane was standing in the autopsy room with Susie, who had been hired as a pathologist and Maura had assigned her to work under her at the BPD. Jane wasn't paying attention to Susie as she rambled on about the matter of death in her newest homicide. It wasn't until Maura kissed Summer that she became upset.

While it had been seven long months, neither of them trying to make any sort of amends, Maura had worn her engagement ring. Jane had hoped that meant something, that it gave her hope that Maura might forgive her someday. But she had been wrong, Maura was obviously moving on, and with a psychologist nonetheless. And when she saw Summer Capshaw leave Maura's office, she walked away from Susie Chang who'd been in the middle of a sentence to walk into Maura's office.

The medical examiner still had a huge smile plastered on her face when Jane knocked on her inner office door. She looked up, expecting a lab assistant or Susie but instead found Jane, hurt and anger behind her eyes. The smile she had been wearing left her face, she motioned for Jane to enter.

"How can I help you today, detective?" Maura was coldly professional.

"Come on, Maur. Don't give me that detective crap." Her voice was thick and harsh as she took the chair in front of Maura's desk.

"Please stop calling me that, Jane." Maura's words weren't more than a whisper. There was only so much interaction she could handle with her ex-fiance. "What can I help you with?"

"How long have you been seeing Dr. Capshaw?" Jane questioned Maura like a suspect, the harshness hadn't left her voice. Maura didn't blame her, she had moved on first, but Jane had thrown the first punch.

"Summer and I have been seeing each other for awhile, but that is no longer any of your concern. _I_ am no longer any of your concern."

"Maura you're my friend, of course-" Maura cut her off sharply.

"We are _not_ friends, Jane. You made me fall in love with you and then you broke my heart. How can you expect us to still be friends after all that? No. I don't want an answer to that question. We are _not_ friends, Jane. I don't think we ever will be again."

The women sat there quietly. Maura wouldn't talk about her relationship with Summer and Jane wouldn't talk about what had happened in California. While Maura was curious in Casey's progress, she refused to steep low enough to question her about it. Maura fidgeted with the papers on her desk, hiding a few to avoid Jane's suspicions. But nothing was hidden from Jane Rizzoli.

"What's that?" She asked, standing up and grabbing the papers before Maura could protest. "Admissions forms? For college? Maura what the hell is this?"

Maura pressed her lips thin. "I was approached a couple days ago about teaching at a college in Washington but I'd have to be credentialed first. The college is willing to waive my fees, if I accept and become their new forensic sciences professor and department head. It's a hell of an opportunity, Jane."

"Yeah, but Maura, who's going to replace you? You can't leave Pike or Popov in charge, they'd destroy this place."

Jane's protests were getting her nowhere, and they were almost solidifying Maura's decision. "I've already trained my replacement, Jane. Susie is perfectly competent, she knows how to be an effective lab technician and is an excellent pathologist. While she will need to learn a few things about scheduling all the autopsies for the commonwealth, there's nothing a few weeks of training and detailed notes can't change. I'm going to leave my recommendation for Cavanaugh."

"So you've already made up your mind?" The look of defeat on Jane's face was heartbreaking for Maura. But if she was going to move on and remove Jane from her heart, the distance would help immensely.

"No, I haven't made a conclusive decision yet. It's not something I'm going to make rashly, I need to talk it over with Summer and confer with Constance. I will of course inform you of my decision." It was so formal, the way she was relaying facts to Jane, not confiding her insecurities in her.

Jane scoffed and walked toward the door. She paused there, her hand on the door knob. "Don't worry about it Maura, I'm not worth your time." And with that, Maura watched Jane storm up to the bullpen, the anger and hurt written all over her face. Jane may have cheated on her and hurt her beyond belief, but Maura loved her. Watching Jane walk away from her was like ripping out of piece of herself, and Jane was the biggest piece Maura had left.

* * *

Maura and Summer had made their decision. The couple was moving to Washington so Maura could take a teaching job. Summer had quit her job and divorced her husband, there was nothing left for her here. Maura however, still needed to take care of a few loose ends. She spent two weeks getting Susie ready, and the changes had not been lost on the new medical examiner, while she said nothing of them, Maura knew she couldn't keep the secret.

Her meeting with Cavanaugh did not go over well either. He demanded to know the reasons she was leaving, calling her bullshit on the new teaching job. At one point he asked if it had to do with her break-up with Jane, if transferring her would keep Maura. But that was what she was afraid of the most, that one day she wouldn't be able to keep her professionalism and would snap under the pressure of working with Jane. She couldn't let anyone need to decide between the two of them.

Maura left Cavanaugh with her letter of resignation, the same one she had prepared all those years ago when Paddy Doyle had been shot. He tried to refuse it, but she just threatened to give it to the mayor or anyone higher than him. She gave him her recommendation of Susie Chang, a forwarding address and new cell phone number for her to be reached at for court dates.

"Jane does not get this information." She warned him. "If I get a visit from Jane Rizzoli in my Washington home, or so much as a call or text message, I will personally fly back just to kill you. And if there is anyone you should be afraid of, it's me. I know how to kill you in a way that not even Jane could solve." Her threat was taken completely serious, Cavanaugh went and locked the information in his wall safe.

She and Summer had packed everything, and while everyone was away at work they loaded it into the moving van that would take it across the country. That had been two days ago, when Maura took a personal day. She used this day to do her various errands before leaving Boston, she stopped by to visit Cailin in her dorm room, giving her a list of phone numbers and her address. The sisters had lunch and talked, Cailin said how much she would miss Maura, and promised to visit for the holidays.

Hope was her next stop, the doctor was always busy but seeing the look on Maura's face made her stop. The mother and daughter talked in her office, postponing all the appointments she had for the afternoon. Hope tried to change Maura's mind, asking her to stay so they could get to know each other better, for her to have a relationship with Cailin. But Maura had made up her mind, she confessed that she wasn't moving on as much as she was running away. When Hope asked her what that meant, she simply responded; "Ask Jane."

She saw Paddy Sr. in the retirement home, they had become quite close in the years that he'd been there, finally realizing that maybe his son hadn't made a mistake. But their visits were not always rainbows and butterflies, sometimes her grandfather was just like her father, mean and sarcastic. But she saved the hardest ones for last, she sat behind the bolted table, her father chained to it from the other side.

Paddy Doyle had been upset with her since she'd convinced Hope to testify against him. But he was also a man of his word, and the only thing that mattered to him was his family. Maura told him she was leaving, she asked him not to try and find her, asked him to try and change himself instead. She already had a father, and she wasn't looking to make Paddy fill that role, instead she was there to tell him she forgave him for all the wrong he had done to her personally and wished the best upon him. Maura remembers him screaming after her that when he's released he will find her again.

She went to the bank and changed a few things around, stopping by a florist on her way home. Her last stop seemed the hardest, she placed the singular calla lily she'd bought on Frost's grave. While she knew he wasn't there, that his ashes had been spread in various locations, they'd wanted a tombstone to visit occasionally.

Summer waited for Maura in her office after she'd turned in her resignation to Cavanaugh. She'd requested he didn't tell anyone until she had already left the state, when Jane or Frankie or Angela couldn't stop her. Maura had left messages with Cailin, Hope, and the retirement home not to give out her information to anyone, especially Jane. The couple had quickly packed up Maura's office knowing they couldn't hide it any longer. They carried the two boxes out the back door and into Summer's car.

At home, Maura was surprised to find Angela standing in the living room. She'd told Summer she needed to leave a note for the Rizzolis and to wait in the car. "Angela. What are you doing?" She played with the envelopes in her hand.

"The better question is what are you doing?" Angela almost began to cry, the place looked barren, she had left the furniture she didn't want to keep, an almost full kitchen and living room. It looked like a showroom for a development site.

"I've been offered a job in Washington that I've decided to take. It's a teaching job, I can teach people who want to become just like me. I think it's an excellent opportunity for me to expand my skill set." Maura walked over to the island in the kitchen.

"You were going to leave without a trace?"

Maura looked down at the envelopes she was playing with. "I wrote a letter. There's one for Jane, it's the longest, there's one for you too, Angela."

"Please, Maura. Whatever my daughter has done to you, please I know the two of you can work this out. I can't lose you." Angela began to cry, covering her eyes with her hands. Maura placed the envelope on the island and walked over to Angela.

"There's a reason we haven't talked in almost eight months. There's a reason we need to be apart from each other. There's a reason for everything, Angela. I will always consider you family, and when the time is right, when Jane and I have both moved on, I will contact you. I'll send you a plane ticket to visit me, or call you unexpectedly on a Tuesday. I'm still your daughter, but Jane really is, and at some point a mother just has to choose." Maura kissed Angela's forehead and began to walk out the door.

"What do I tell Jane?" The words couldn't have been more than a broken whisper. Maura paused, unsure of her words. She looked back at Angela and smiled sadly.

"Tell her I've gone to find forgiveness."

* * *

It took no longer than twenty minutes for Jane Rizzoli to beat down Cavanaugh's door. He had expected this, for her anger to outweigh rationality. "WHERE IS SHE?" The scream stopped the entire precinct. You did not fuck with Jane Rizzoli. Sean Cavanaugh looked up at Jane, saw her vibrating with anger and pain. He crossed over to her and closed the door.

"I don't know." He said simply. She stormed up to him, taking his jacket by the lapel.

"The hell you don't. Tell me where she is and when she left."

Korsak opened the door as Jane spat the words out. "Jane." He cautioned but Sean just held up his hand, telling him to back off.

"She gave me her resignation this morning. She left not long after that."

"Where is she going?"

"Jane- I don't know, honestly. She gave me her spiel about finding a new job and a new life and handed me her letter and then left. I don't know." Jane's phone buzzed angrily against her hip. She dug it out and listened to her brother say he was worried about their mother, that she had been there when Maura had left.

Jane threw open Maura's front door an hour after she had left. Her mother was crying on the sofa uncontrollably, a piece of paper clutched in her hands. Frankie told her she'd left them letters, Jane's still sat untouched on the island. She walked over to her mother, her hand on her back. "Ma?" Jane questioned. "Ma, where did Maura say she was going?"

Angela looked up into her daughter's eyes, cupping her cheek. "She went to find forgiveness." With those words Jane stood up and ran for the letter on the island, tearing the envelope to shreds.

* * *

_My Dearest Jane,_

_I love you. You need to know this before anything else happens. I will always love you. You believe in loving someone with your heart, and you know I've always found that preposterous. A heart is a muscle, it pumps blood throughout your body, it keeps you alive. But you're also the woman who listens to her intestines and eats marshmallow and peanut butter sandwiches. Who watches every single Sox game on her DVR because she can't stand the live commentary between commercials, who has a trash can by the side of her bed because she flosses before sleeping, who does anything and everything for her family. And I am just starting to realize that I love you with my heart, that you keep my heart beating, every blood cell through my body is composed of things to love about Jane Rizzoli, a muscle that was stretched too far and for too long._

_When I look at you, everything stops, and I think I could have a heart attack if I had to see the expression on your face right now. It would surely kill me. But you killed me once before, in California with Casey. I am trying to understand, to forgive. I thought that after eight months I'd be able to do just that or move on. And to some extent I have, I'm with Summer now, it was ironic how it happened, I was spending so much effort running away from you that I just barely noticed her. Yet I still wear your engagement ring. You don't need to pay me back for that either, Jane. At the time it was something we both wanted, and it's something for me to remember you by. I've left you something to remember me by as well. It's my closet. Well, I should say your closet. I considered selling my home but the housing market is unpredictable and then Angela would be left homeless, and I needed to do something for your family before I leave. The house is yours. I changed it to your name, all the papers are enclosed, along with my lawyers business card, he can answer any of your questions._

_Leaving isn't just about the job. It never has been, the fact that it was far away was just a bonus. I need to try and forgive you Jane. And if that day comes and I'm able to find forgiveness, I will try to come back. I will call or write or visit. But until that time I ask only one thing of you, please do not try and contact me, do not try and find me. Do not harass Hope or Cailin, do not do your gumshoe thing and search me out. I am not lost in that sense, Jane. I am escaping, I am finding comfort and acceptance, and I need space to do that. In my own time, I will come back to you. I can't promise you how or when, I can't say if it will be soon or in twenty years. I can make you no promises. Please just take care of yourself, and your family. And the piece of my family I've left with you._

_I love you._

_Yours always, Maura Isles_

* * *

In the upstairs closet, Jane found two black garment bags, a shoe box, Maura's house keys and Bass. Unzipping the first bag was the bridesmaid dress she had worn to Jane's failed wedding, the shoes to match were underneath it. The second bag contained the blue dress Maura and Jane both loved. Jane held it up to her face, breathing in Maura's scent as she cried. Maura was truly gone, there was no undoing this mistake. All she had left to remember her by were two dresses and her best friend- a tortoise named Bass. Jane collapsed on the floor, clutching the dress as she cried.

* * *

**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter.**


	10. Strength to Stay

**A/N: Thank you, for your kind words. The spiral is about to start for our couple, hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Everyone always assumed the first weeks of losing someone were always the hardest. But Maura hadn't died, she'd just left them, without photos or personal touches to remember her by. Instead she'd left her adoptive family her home, left Jane her favorite dress, and gave her the only piece of her family that had consistently been there for Maura- her tortoise. Jane knew Maura must have struggled with that decision, while it was practical, Bass couldn't go on an airplane and he couldn't survive the week long road trip across the country. But Bass was like Maura's child and that gave Jane hope that Maura would eventually come back, that there might be hope after all.

The hardest part for the Rizzoli family was not Maura's absence itself, but that they would find themselves in a moment and think to themselves, _Maura would really get a kick out of this._ They would miss her random facts, and the way she always managed to settle the scores between the siblings. And when the Rizzoli children were all together, they always found themselves lacking a referee and a score keeper. When Frankie's bike broke, he didn't have his favorite mechanic, when Jane was at work Tommy didn't have someone to play chess with. When Angela was alone she couldn't walk into Maura's house and strike up a conversation.

And while Angela, Frankie and Tommy were all moving forward morosely with their lives, with the absence of Maura in their lives, Jane was perpetually stuck. The first week she could barely function, she lived in Maura's house, falling asleep at early hours of the morning clutching the dress she had been given. At work she did little of her actual work, she spent as many hours as possible looking for Maura and Summer, all she'd had to go on was Washington. That Maura had moved to some university in Washington. But there were so many and their faculty lists were private. It was a giant uphill battle.

Jane struggled against everyone, pushing them from her life. When she had given up on trying to find Maura she withdrew, focusing on her paperwork and requalification. That was where the problem lay. It had been two months since Maura had left, Cavanaugh felt she needed to be evaluated psychologically before he felt comfortable letting her out on duty again. Korsak actually approved it, Jane had been completely different since Maura left, she found herself unable to fire her weapon. So two days a week she ventured out into the Boston winter to see Dr. Baylie Bryant, the department appointed psychologist.

Dr. Baylie Bryant was fresh out of school, it was obvious in the way her twenty-seven year old mannerisms shined through and the photos of best friends on her desk. There was no ring on her finger and no photographs of her with a significant other, Dr. Bryant was also very into quotes of the week. That was what Jane hated most about this psychologist, she was so new that it felt like Jane wasn't a patient but someone for her bosses to look at and say she fixed someone. But Jane Rizzoli would not make fixing herself easy.

So when she walked in and hung her pea coat up on the rack, she was confronted by Dr. Bryant's swirly handwriting in bright orange expo marker with that week's quote. _"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could." Ralph Waldo Emerson._ Jane grunted and rolled her eyes, pushing the door open into the psychologist's office, taking her seat on the black and white upholstered couch and waited for Dr. Bryant.

"Jane!" Dr. Bryant was way too happy for her eight am appointment with the grumpy detective.

"Dr. Bryant." Jane grumbled and nodded back. Dr. Bryant laughed at Jane while grabbing her note pad and sitting in a chair opposite her.

"I've told you, call me Baylie. We really need to get you requalified Jane, so I want you to tell me why you can't fire your weapon."

Baylie always knew how to do that, to jump straight into Jane's problem areas. She was not one to wait for Jane to get around to it eventually, finding clues in the way she would talk about her everyday activities, Jane could not back away from questions she faced straight on. "I can fire my weapon."

"That's not what your sargent says."

"Korsak doesn't know what he's talking about."

"This is about Maura isn't it?"

Jane froze. She'd been so careful to not mention her name here. If she let Maura out of the vault deep within her heart, Baylie Bryant would vivisect her and drag up the corpse of Jane's love for Maura. She hadn't mentioned her name once in the weeks she'd been here, but Korsak or Cavanaugh had to have told her when she was making absolutely no progress. "This has nothing to do with Maura." She spat harshly.

"I think you're lying to me, detective. I think this has everything to do with Maura. She left you without actually confronting you face to face. She wrote you a letter and a dress to remember you by and skipped states. And she won't let you contact her in any way, that's taking a toll on you, Jane. Whether you want to admit it or not."

Jane inhaled deeply. While Baylie may let her newness shine, she also got deep into the problems, she'd had the shortest turn over rate of any department issued psychologist. But Jane was a special case. "I love her and she left me. How could I not be upset? I'm incomplete, I am missing a piece of myself, the piece that deals with my coordination and balance. I can't shoot straight anymore because I'm missing a piece of myself and no one understands that."

Baylie leaned forward in her chair. "Have you considered that when you cheated on Maura, you took a piece of her? That you were not the only one suffering, and when two people in symmetry have been thrown off, you have to fix both pieces separately before the couple can flourish again?"

"I don't understand where you're going with this metaphor."

"Maura needs to fix herself first, Jane. You're sitting in my office week after week feeling sorry for yourself, upset and hurt and depressed that Maura left you. But have you ever once considered what all Maura left behind? What pieces of her you had stolen? Because maybe she wasn't leaving you, maybe she was running away."

* * *

Maura was nervous. She'd never taught a class before, yet alone a group of twenty-six students. They were all different ages, all at various points in their lives but they all converged in lab 6A, to learn from the best. They were the fourth year medical students, who already had so much information packed into their brains, but they would never stop learning- ever. Whether they wanted to become pathologists or surgeons or pediatricians, they would need an infinite amount of room for all the knowledge required. And they were all there to learn it from Maura Isles.

She sat at her desk with a stack of course syllabi twenty pages thick waiting to be picked up. Dr. Isles's class would not be an easy one to pass. Especially since her first class of the year was the hardest- it was her trial run to see if the university had made a good choice, she was teaching the gross anatomy lab and lecture. Gross Anatomy was the hardest, and therefore saved for year four. It is the study of anatomy at a macroscopic level, meaning visible and pertaining to size, and therefore required a lab section, Maura's more comfortable section- cadaver dissections.

She watched nervously as her twenty-six students walked into the classroom, grabbed a syllabus and sat down, already trying to read all twenty pages. She waited until the precise time of her starting class- noon.

"Good afternoon, everyone, my name is Doctor Maura Isles and I will be teaching you in your gross anatomy lab and lecture this semester. I know the first day of classes can be stressful and some of you will be late, but I do not tolerate tardiness in my class. If you ever show up late on a dissection day I will turn you away, that being said, there will only be one makeup dissection day per section." The straggling students who were just piling in heard the last of Maura's introduction. They tensed visibly.

"That having been said, gross anatomy is not something to resent, but something to enjoy. I want to make your experience here as pleasant as possible, most of your careers, whichever field of medicine you decide to go into will tie back into gross anatomy. So it is one of the most important classes you will ever take. Gross anatomy is very different from a normal anatomy class, you will yes look at specimens and photographs, but you will also be assigned a cadaver. You will physically be dissecting a human being, you will physically be holding the objects that regulate your body and keep you alive. To know what these organs and tissues look like healthy and their proper functions you will better be able to help your future patients."

Maura surveyed the emotions on her student's faces. Some of them were in shock and looked queasy at the prospect of dissecting a human being while others were full of excitement. "Knowing this, you need to have a good working relationship with your gross anatomy professor. I had one with mine, and he had one with his before him. Your grade in this class will not be off of your ability to keep your lunch down or trying not to let the smell get to you. Many of you will break down at one point or another. You will look down at your cadaver and notice things about them.

"You will notice the scars on the abdomen of a female from her cesarean section, you will know your cadaver was a mother, she was a daughter, she was someone's loved one. You will see nail polish on their fingers, find breast implants, heart valves, hair plugs. You will notice things about your cadavers that make them human, because at one point they were a human being. And when you meet your cadavers for the first time, it will be to mourn them. You will see them whole and dead, as a loved one would have right after death. You will be respectful, and you will mourn the very first person's death, because that person will help you become a better doctor.

"You will wrap their entire body into sections, and do so with care. Because each time you go to unwrap a limb or section of the body, you will be dissecting them, you may even need to amputate a leg or arm. You will never see them whole again after the first day. And I am your tour guide through this process, and in order for you to trust me, you need to know me and know that I am capable of leading you through this journey. I want your questions, however personal."

Some of her students turned to look at each other, stunned. Most professors either didn't feel the need to tell them their qualifications, didn't care to, or left a page about them in the syllabus. But this was their opportunity to get their bearing on Dr. Isles, and in return for Maura to get a glimpse into them. One woman at the back raised her hand.

"Where did you go to college and what degree do you have?"

Maura smiled. "Excellent question. I went to Boston Cambridge University. I have an M.D., a doctorate in forensic sciences, a masters in human biology and chemistry. The first few years out of medical school I was a practicing ER physician and later changed my speciality and have been a pathologist ever since. This is my first time teaching, I'm in the process of getting a masters in education."

The class was stunned into silence. Maura was by no means an old woman, she wasn't even in her forties and yet she had more degrees than they could hope to ever have. Most nodded in approval, who cared about a teaching degree when you knew how to tear their body apart in several different ways?

"Where were you born?" A young man in the front asked tentatively.

"Boston. I lived there up until two months ago."

"If you're not normally a teacher, what did you do in Boston?" That was the same woman who asked about her qualifications. Maura paused slightly at the question but held nothing back.

"I was the chief medical examiner for the commonwealth of Massachusetts. I mainly worked out of their central department, the Boston Police Department."

Her answer again stunned them. "You're a medical examiner? And you're going to teach us how to treat live patients?" This was from a pretentious looking man in the middle.

"Technically I could go and open my own practice right now. I certainly have the qualifications to do so, if you remember I started out as an ER physician. While I don't have to justify my decision to you, yes, I am a medical examiner. And who better to help you dissect a human being than me? I speak for the dead on a daily basis. If you can't even speak for the dead how are you supposed to help the living?"

They said nothing as they sat in silence. The discussion was turning to a place Maura didn't want to venture. "Why did you stop being a physician?"

Maura paused, it was not a story she liked to relive. She sat down on the corner of her desk, facing them all. "It was the end of an eighteen hour shift, I was so tired and all I wanted to do was sleep. A couple came with their young son as I was leaving, there were no other doctors to help them. He was no older than five, and presented with no other symptoms than a minor tummy ache. His parents were trying to convince me otherwise, I ran tests I wouldn't normally do. All his test results came back negative so I was forced to send them home.

"I came back to work two days later and was confronted by my department head. We sat down and discussed the case, and she agreed with me that there was nothing to do at that point, nothing to suggest anything. When I asked why we were talking about it, she simply said the boy had been in again the previous night, only he died while they were trying to treat him. They didn't understand why." Maura paused, looking off into a corner.

"I attended the autopsy that evening, where the pathologist was able to determine what was wrong with the boy, some genetic disorder. I honestly couldn't tell you which, but I remember thinking that there was no way any doctor would have been able to know that without an MRI or CAT scan. It was then that I decided modern medicine doesn't always have the answer, we can't save everybody, and while I may not be able to save them, I was able to give that boy's family some closure. I became a medical examiner a year later."

The entire room sat in stunned silence. In four years that could be any of them, unable to take the pressures of the job as Maura had been unable to. Maura was caught up in past, her days of being a physician were so far behind her. But one student yanked her violently from her daydream. "Were you the medical examiner who helped capture The Surgeon?" It had come from a quiet, petite woman with black-blue hair pulled up into a tight ponytail. She had been silent the entire lecture, her face was soft, holding a sense of familiarity but also a coldness of foreboding.

"If you're referring to Charles Hoyt, yes I did assist the detective who captured him." Maura's tone was icy.

"Did he not almost murder you in his prison's hospital?"

"He attempted." She still had the scar on her neck to prove it, hidden by hair.

"Hoyt only went after couples, why you and detective Rizzoli?"

Maura visibly tensed. This student was informed, had researched her new professor before class, this student knew which person could hurt her the most. "Charles Hoyt was a deranged serial killer unused to victims who lived or escaped him. Detective Rizzoli survived him not once but three times, he had become so consumed with hunting her, with killing her that nothing else mattered. To hurt Jane, he simply hurt me. I owe my life several times over to that woman."

"Did you being her fiance have anything to do with it?" The silence and tension in the room was palpable, several of the students becoming uncomfortable at the woman's line of questioning. Maura's lips pressed into a thin line. "My relationship with Jane Rizzoli was nothing but professional in the four years during Hoyt's incarceration."

"You admit to a relationship then?"

"You're a reporter." Maura's statement was met with a smile. The woman stood up and descended the stairs.

"For a prominent Boston newspaper. My name is Rhea Heath. The piece I'm doing is on the whispers of Detective Jane Rizzoli's sexual preference. Most of us assumed it was you with the way Jane came and went from your home, sources told us Rizzoli inherited the residence and I guess we know why now. So who broke off the engagement?"

"There was no engagement."

"Why the engagement ring?"

"I'm engaged."

"To Jane Rizzoli?"

"No. Not then, not now, not ever."

"Then to whom are you engaged?"

"A woman named Summer Capshaw."

The reporter paused momentarily, stunned by Maura's response. Had she known anything about Maura, the obvious hives forming would have given her away. "Then why leave Jane your home?"

"Gift to the family, the housing market was too unreliable for me."

"So you have a complicated relationship with Jane?"

"She was my best friend, there's a whole bunch of complicated involved. We worked together for over a decade, I don't understand how one could develop a non-complicated relationship Ms. Heath."

""This isn't going to be my last interview. Here's my card, I'll be in touch." Rhea Heath placed her card in Maura's hands before walking out of the lab.

"Dr. Isles?" A young, timid man asked. "Do we get to name our cadavers?" Maura smiled and laughed before nodding. Maura dismissed the classed and watched as they all filed out, asking questions about the syllabus and upcoming dissections. As soon as they had all disappeared Maura quickly locked the door, hastily making her way through the maze of hallways connecting the various medical labs and classrooms.

Eventually she found herself pushing open the double metal doors leading into the makeshift morgue, relaxing visibly . She had felt at home the moment the Dean had shown her the morgue and her subsequent office. While the morgue itself was huge, fit with ten slabs and counter around with various equipment, it was not as high tech as Boston. Her department fund supplemented with a hefty donation from the Isles Foundation allowed her to bring in all new state of the art equipment, she'd even revamped the cold storage area.

Maura had yet to get a decorator in her spacious office so it was in the same empty, government funded office. She threw down her belongings on the desk and grabbed the phone, dialing the number etched forever in her heart. It rung three times.

"Rizzoli." Jane's harsh voice flashed a wave of pain through her. It like home, she was home.

"Jane. We have a problem."

* * *

Jane's breathing caught, Maura was calling her. It had been two long, lonely months and there was Maura. She listened to each syllable coming from her lips, the twist of her tongue as she pronounced each word, how many years had Jane stared at that mouth? But the tone in Maura's voice was not need or love or forgiveness- it was scared and hurt and worried for Jane.

"Maura. What's wrong?" Jane snapped. Maura's heart clenched when Jane said her name- they hadn't had nearly enough time apart. She wanted to be held by Jane, listen to her promise to do everything she could to fix it. To feel Jane's hands through her hair, her skin beneath hers just one more time.

But they were a country apart. "Someone just crashed my class."

Jane's eyes narrowed, Frankie was giving her a concerned look next to her in the bullpen. "We're not friends anymore, Maura, I can't come to Washington and arrest them for pestering you."

Jane's tone was dripping with resentment and sarcasm, Maura shouldn't have called, shouldn't have let her intestines tell her what to do. How Jane was ever focused was now completely beyond her. "It was a reporter, Jane."

She laughed forcefully. "You caused quite a lot of waves in Boston, Maur. Maybe she did her research on the new department head, wants an interview for a piece." The anger was dissipating in Jane's voice, friendliness starting to creep back in. And when she used Maura's nickname, she was forced to sit down and try breathing deeply to stop from hyperventilating.

"She definitely wanted an interview, but not about me taking this job- she wanted an interview about my sexual relationship with you."

"What!" Jane shot up straight in her chair, eyes staring at Frankie.

"She's from Boston, Jane. A Boston reporter came to Washington and asked me personal questions about you and me in front of my entire class. She wants to publish a piece about corruption in the BPD because you and I were seeing each other."

"Did she specifically tell you this? Knowing you probably still had contacts in the BPD?"

"I didn't tell her anything. I explained that our relationship was strictly professional, but she asked if it was true that we had been engaged."

Jane stood up from her desk and disappeared into the break room, shutting the door behind her for privacy. "Maura you could have told her we were engaged."

"It's not my place, Jane. What I say here affects you there, not me."

Jane leans against the door, breathing heavily. "Maura, I don't want to deny it anymore." There was a silence on the other end. While both women hadn't hidden their relationship from their closest co-workers and family members, they did not publicize the relationship, both taking into consideration that combined they'd put away a lot of bad people. That if any of them suggested Maura and Jane working together to fabricate or alter evidence due to a personal relationship all their hard work could be undone.

"Jane, what are you saying?"

"We had a relationship, Maura! I love you! And I'm not going to deny it any longer, the course of our relationship, can change."

"Frost." Maura whispered. Jane slid down the door to sit on the floor.

"Frost." She repeated. "It was a devastating loss, his loss brought us together. We were both on leave, then we went to California...and by the time you came back it was over."

Maura slumped in her chair, looking out the window to survey her morgue. "I miss you, Jane."

Jane clamped her eyes shut, trying to force back the tears. "I miss you too, Maur."

"I want to come home."

"You can't." Jane's words pierced Maura. She never thought there would be a time when Jane wouldn't want Maura but she'd been wrong about Jane before. "Coming back- it doesn't fix anything. Every time you would look at me you would see the woman who cheated on you, and I can't stand seeing you look at me like that. If it takes years, Maura, I want you to stay away. The next time you look at me I want it to be the way you did when we were first friends. Not lovers, but friends."

Maura cried silently on the other end, she hadn't expected Jane to understand why she'd left, to fix herself, to forgive Jane, to not hate herself every time she looked at Jane and saw a cheater. "Jane, will you do something for me?"

"Anything, Maur."

"Find someone who makes you happy, you deserve it."

Jane gulped. "I will, Maur. I will."

Maura ended the call and cried to empty morgue, reliving every moment she'd spent there with Jane, a ghost of her old life in Boston. And when she had poured all the hurt and want out of herself, she wiped away the evidence and went home to Summer.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! Hope you liked it! Comments, questions and concerns always appreciated!**


	11. When I'm Wiser and I'm Older

7

A full year had passed since Maura left Boston, left the Rizzolis and Jane. Three hundred and sixty-five days of changes and breakthroughs for both women. It was a year of firsts, of laughs and heartaches, memories to never be forgotten. The world was moving on, even if they had wanted a little consistency. Maura and Jane were moving forward and away from each other, whether they wanted to or not.

Jane stood at the podium uncomfortably, she hated speeches, and it didn't help that she had to wear her uniform for this one. The last time she had been at an award ceremony, it was because she'd shot herself to save others, to save Maura. And then there had been an explosion and a young woman's untimely death. This time however, she would not be getting an award but giving it- to her younger brother.

Cavanaugh cleared his throat from behind her, she'd been standing there for an awkward amount of time without speaking. Last time she'd been there, Maura had been sitting in the audience cheering her on, but this audience was unforgiving. Frankie sat next to Angela, who beamed at her son.

"As most of you all know, the award for bravery during action is a very important award. As a recipient of this award several years ago, I know what an honor it is and I never in a million years suspected I'd be here to give it to my younger brother. While I never imagined it, I know beyond a doubt that he deserves it. Frankie has always been the strong one, always the glue that kept us all together, I guess that's what being the middle child is all about. And now he's getting his first award and I am honored to be able to give it to him, so Frankie come on up and get it."

Frankie smiled at Jane and jumped up, practically running to the stage. They hugged as Cavanaugh handed Jane the pin and Frankie the plaque that went along with it, spending the next thirty minutes taking pictures for numerous magazines and newspapers. Eventually Jane broke off from Frankie and grabbed a beer from the bar, sitting at her table next to Korsak. He smiled sadly at her.

"It's different when you're not the Rizzoli they're all talking about isn't it? When the ones you trained are outshining you."

"JANIE!" Tommy screamed as he burst through the front door. Jane was up in Maura's bedroom, in _her_ bedroom, when she heard him. The family had taken over the house as if it had always been theirs, but the traces of Maura still remained. Jane hadn't let Angela redesign anything, the living room, dining room and kitchen set up the same as the day Maura had left. "JANIE!" Tommy yelled again.

"Yeah, Tommy, up here!" Jane screamed back. Tommy ran up the stairs two at a time, bursting into her bedroom. Jane was in the closet, trying to rearrange the mess her mother had left while she was gone. Angela felt the need to color coordinate while Jane had her own system going.

"JANE." Tommy's eyes were wide as he ran into the closet, stopping in the door frame.

"Dude, what's wrong?" Jane became alert, immediately wishing her weapon wasn't stuck in the nightstand. Tommy smiled up her, and while he seemed happy, it didn't make her any less at ease.

"Janie, you're gonna be an aunt again."

Jane smiled widely. "You and Lydia making nice again? Finally giving TJ a younger brother?"

Tommy straightened up, finally catching his breath. His smile was apparent and Jane was extremely happy that Tommy was finding happiness in his life. "No, he's getting a younger sister. I'm having a baby girl, Janie."

When Casey had come back to Boston, Jane knew she would be distancing herself from him to see where her feelings truly were. But she had never expected that the nurse she'd set up for him would end up being his wife. Yet there she was, at Casey and Leila's wedding. Leila had been excellent for Casey, he was up and walking with his prosthetics without even a limp.

The invitation in the mail had been a surprise but Casey and Leila owed Jane for their meeting and wanted her to be there to share in their special day. The only thing that made it difficult was the date. The couple had decided on a Friday evening in November, transforming a hotel ballroom into an elegant affair. Since Casey was still in recovery, the ceremony was shortened and the time made it easy for the couple to have their family and friends, but still enough that Casey wouldn't overexert himself. The problem was that Angela Rizzoli's formal catholic wedding was the next day.

It was a hectic weekend for Jane, who had agreed to be Angela's maid of honor and watch her mother marry her boss. Angela had begged Hope to send an invitation to Maura, or even call and tell her but Hope had refused, always being jealous of Mrs. Rizzoli's relationship with her daughter.

But both weddings went off without a single problem. Korsak had stood up with Cavanaugh and Jane with her mother, Frankie and Tommy and had been perfect gentlemen the whole evening, Tommy chasing after TJ who ran around like the happy toddler he was. It wasn't a large affair, Angela and Sean had found the perfect catholic chapel and then held the reception in Jane's back yard, still lit from Frost's funeral.

When the partying had been done, and Angela and Sean were ready to leave on their surprise honeymoon, Angela pulled Jane aside. She handed her daughter a huge list of reminders and chores, the top of which was the name and phone number for the woman running the cafe while she was gone. Jane smiled at her mother, and told her to go have fun, all the while grossed out knowing what her mother and boss were going to do on their honeymoon.

Frankie stood next to her as they watched their mother drive off to the airport. "Shitty weekend huh?"

"You've no idea." She stated, turning to walk back in her house.

"Jane?" Frankie called. She turned around to look at him, her hand on the door knob. "You'll have your day, I know it."

Jane smiled lovingly at her brother. "I had my chance, Frankie, I'm the one who screwed it up." Frankie shrugged, used to his sister's recent masochistic, self-loathing attitude. Jane asked him to help clean up in the morning and then disappeared back into Maura's house.

"Rizzoli." Jane mumbled into her cell. It was early, almost five in the morning when her phone rang. She wondered to herself why murder never waited for a good time, always interrupting her life at inopportune times. She tried to be quiet, her red-headed girlfriend stirring against her.

"Jane, do you want a puppy?" Korsak asked unhappily from the other end.

"Korsak? Do you know what time it is?"

"Yeah, but I have to find all my animals homes before noon. So do you want a puppy?" He was unhappy, his sister was moving in with him and she was allergic to almost every animal. Korsak begrudgingly decided to give up his animals but not until the final day.

"No, Jo Friday doesn't really play well with others." Korsak grumbled on the other end. "But I know Tommy has been looking for something special to give TJ and Lydia for Christmas, if you call him, I know he'll take two puppies at least."

"Thanks for the tip Jane!" Korsak actually sounded excited to hear that he could multiple animals to a single home. And Tommy knew Lydia wanted a farm for their children. Jane hung up the phone and turned over to stare into bright green eyes.

"Did I wake you?" She asked quietly, running her hands through her girlfriend's red hair.

"Oh not at all, Jane. It was obviously the alarm I set for an un-godly hour." Jane grumbled at her girlfriend and pulled her close.

"Now I remember why I decided to date you, Tempe." She said against her girlfriend's neck.

"And here I was thinking it was my devilishly good looks." Tempe laughed at her.

Jane's family had been surprised when she brought a woman home. Yet it wasn't lost on them that she looked nothing like Maura, and had none of the same personality. They soon realized it was like having two of Jane, only one was a homicide detective and one was a yoga instructor.

Jane had taken Tempe's class, now that Maura was gone she didn't have anyone to personally teach her so she signed up for a class with Frankie. It had been Frankie who noticed Jane's attraction to the instructor and pushed her to ask Tempe out after several weeks. Tempe had been flattered and immediately said yes. Their first date was a quiet evening at Jane's home, Angela had cooked them a wonderful meal and left Jane to heat it up.

Their connection had seemed instant and both women were enjoying the company. They'd been dating for a few months and Tempe was having trouble with Jane's cell phone interrupting their sleep at all hours. So much in fact that she had spoken to Jane about it. Jane confided in her that with Frankie trying to permanently transfer to homicide a spot would be open in the drug unit. While she would still be a detective, she'd work more regular hours.

Tempe had seemed very excited at the prospect of having Jane around more often until she got the bad news. Being a detective in the drug unit meant that they often had to go undercover, and for long periods of time. Eventually though Jane did transfer over to the drug unit with Martinez, leaving Frankie, Korsak and Cavanaugh in shock. It was a depressing day for BPD's homicide unit when Jane Rizzoli voluntarily left them. But they were starting to realize that Jane was happy with Tempe, and if leaving homicide kept her that way, she'd do just that.

Summer and Maura were enjoying a sunny Sunday afternoon in their Washington home. Maura had spent a lot of money installing floor to ceiling windows on two walls at the back of their home, bordering the forest. It made them feel like they were outdoors while enjoying the warmth of the sun and central heating. Summer was reading various new studies in psychology, she'd been able to find a job with the same university as Maura who had tried unsuccessfully to tell her partner she'd had nothing to do with it.

Maura was grading the recent tests on the endocrine system she'd made her students do, unable to focus. It had been almost a year since her phone call with Jane but it never got easier. Ignoring the feelings had been easier each day, getting caught up in her every day life. Teaching was taking a huge toll on her and she missed the consistency of life in Boston. And as she was flipping restlessly through the tests, to see which students provided the long, paragraph answers Maura loved to read, her engagement ring kept striking the sunlight perfectly to hit Summer's eyes.

Summer set her papers down in her lap loudly, turning to look at Maura who'd stopped at Summer's outburst. "Maur, when will you take that ring off?"

It had been a source of frustration between them for months now, Summer not quite grasping why Maura was so attached to it. But every time Maura looked at it, she saw Jane. Jane, reflected in every single facet of every single diamond around the band. They were different snapshots of her detective, naked on the bed, drying her wild curls stepping out of the shower, drinking a beer with Frankie at the Dirty Robber, interrogating a suspect, practicing at the firing range. It was Maura's menagerie of Jane Rizzoli, all the components that made her up.

Maura studied the ring in question. "It's just a ring, Summer. I really like it."

"It's your old engagement ring. It has significance, it has weight, Maura." They were quiet for a couple of minutes, letting each other's words sink in, trying to formulate responses. Maura twisted the ring on her finger fondly, it was the one piece of home she'd had left. Not only was it her direct link to Jane, but to what life in Boston had represented- family. "You miss her."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement, an admission they'd been dancing around for months. Summer could see it, when she'd stop by to bring Maura lunch and she'd sit in her newly renovated office full of Jane-like objects staring at it. "I like it, the flower, it feels like me. How I'm opening up to the world, to you." She had purposefully avoided Summer's statement.

"Maura- we both know what it means." Summer twisted her body to face Maura, her papers being displaced to the empty space. "You've been repressing your feelings for Jane the entire time we've been together, and even more so now that you're a country apart. If you could just face those feelings-"

"Stop psychoanalyzing me, Summer." Maura spat. "I'm not one of your patients, I'm your partner."

"How can we be partners if you won't let me in? If you keep hiding your true feelings from me? You refuse to even mention her name."

"You refuse to mention your husband's name." Maura said, her tone flat and unfeeling. Summer visibly tensed at the statement, she hadn't spoken to her husband since the final divorce proceedings, it felt like forever ago for them both. He'd called them filthy whores when Summer showed up to court with Maura gripping her hand, forgetting that he had been the one to cheat on her.

"I may not be able to get over certain things, Maura. D- Daniel did a lot of damage for me, he knew I was vulnerable and he took advantage of me and cheated. I am moving forward though, I tell you that I miss my old life, I'm nostalgic. But you refuse to mention anything about your old life, we left in such a hurry, you never even told me what happened when you dropped off the letters, you just cried the whole way to the airport. I'm frustrated, Maura."

When Maura said nothing in response, Summer sighed heavily, grabbed her papers and stood up. She began to move to the door when Maura reached out and grabbed her wrist. "I'm sorry." She mumbled. Maura still wouldn't make eye contact with her, instead she just stared numbly out at the forest.

"I miss Boston, I miss the life I had there. The stability of my job and that it never ceased to amaze me, the small, petty reasons people killed each other. It intrigued me, there was a puzzle that only me and my team could solve." She paused. "And yes, I miss my old family. That's what they were to me, Summer. _Family_. The past few years brought so much out, my biological parents, half-siblings, but the Rizzoli family was there with me through it all."

They were silent for a couple of minutes, Summer cupped Maura's cheek, happy that she was finally confiding in her. "And yes, I will admit, I even miss _her. _I miss, Jane. I loved her on some level since the first day I met her, I have been loving Jane Rizzoli for more than a decade of my life and she was suddenly gone. This ring is all I have left of her, of the woman who was not only my first real love, but also best friend and sister. My feelings are complicated, I can't separate the meanings most of the time. But when I see this ring, it no longer says that I am Jane Rizzoli's, instead it reminds me of who she was before, the woman I called my friend, not my fiance."

Summer finally understood the significance, it was not to remember that she had once loved Jane, Maura would always remember loving Jane. It helped her remember everything she had given up, she hadn't brought any reminders of her life in Boston like Summer had, she'd just brought that ring. The ring that would have made her a part of a family who loved and accepted her, with brothers who adored her and a protective older sister, and a best friend. Summer pulled Maura up from her chair, taking her in a deep embrace, kissing the side of her neck beneath her ear.

"I love you, Maura."

A single tear poured down Maura's cheek, she wiped it away quickly before Summer could see. "I love you too, Summer." She did not get hives, she was not lying to Summer, she truly did love her. It was the omission that killed her, she'd left Jane so far behind, she'd been so mad and hurt that she felt she could never forgive her. But she hadn't expected the terrible fits of missing her, the way her entire body felt drawn back to Boston as if her cells were telling her where she felt at home, in Jane's arms. She didn't lie to Summer, she did love her, but she would always love Jane the most.

The fog enveloped Maura as she drove through the quiet streets to her university. It was a dense fog, where all you saw was a wall of creamy white moving imperceptibly, swirling around. Some people loved the fog, while others were terrified of it- the road was full of drivers going ten miles under the speed limit. When Maura passed them she saw them hunched over the steering wheel, gripping it tightly with both hands, knuckles turning white.

But then there were the ones who loved the fog, who felt so at home swathed in a blanket they couldn't see through. Maura had lost count of how many times she'd been cut off that morning or cars speeding around her because they wanted to go ten miles above the speed limit on the winding roads.

Then there were the people like Maura, people who didn't mind the fog but saw it as a daily obstacle. For Maura, it also set the tone if the day. Her first year teaching was coming to an end, all her students had passed their tests and dissections, scored in the highest ranges for the state standardized testing and were passing her class- all of them but one.

It had pained Maura to fail this student, who tried as she might just couldn't quite grasp the anatomical structures. More often then not, she was mutilating her cadaver instead of dissecting it. She had passed all of Maura's written exams with perfect scores, while she understood the concepts presented in class, she just couldn't follow through in her lab skills. Maura had struggled through grading her final term paper (which had been excellent and received the highest marks) and was then forced to enter her final, failing grade.

Upon approaching her office in the make shift morgue, Maura saw a figure propped up against the wall, waiting. The tired ex-medical examiner sighed, she had posted final grades last night along with a notice that class was canceled for today and would instead have office hours for those who wanted to argue their grades. Maura knew exactly which student was waiting for her.

Kim had been waiting for two hours to confront Maura as to why she had failed. This was her last class of her final year of medical school and she had failed. Failing meant her residency program would not be receiving her this year- she would have to wait until she could repeat the class and hope the hospital would still take her.

Maura sighed and walked past the upset student, unlocking the doors to her morgue. She turned the lights on and headed towards her office, unlocking her office and flipping on the lights. "You can come in, Kim." Maura said as she approached her desk, stowing her purse in the bottom right drawer. Kim sat in the chair in front of Maura's desk, waiting for her professor to sit. Maura looked at her expectantly.

"Dr. Isles I don't understand why you failed me. I got perfect scores on all your written exams, you said my final paper was completely unique, something you'd never seen before!"

Maura inhaled deeply, trying to gain some control of the situation. "Kim, written tests aren't the only important things. You failed practically every dissection we had, your work brought down the grade of your partner, I had to compensate his grade."

"I don't understand."

"You can't pass the written exams and fail your dissections. You're trying to become a doctor, and you can tell me what a hypothetical patient would have but if I put a physical person in front of you, you'd misdiagnose them." Kim frowned at Maura, she could no longer afford to sugarcoat her student.

"All I've ever wanted to be was a doctor, Dr. Isles. Now I can't even do that, my life is over."

"Sometimes our life paths change unexpectedly, Kim. I dreamed of being a prima ballerina and ended up a medical examiner turned professor. Life changes, expectations change, you will need to change with it." Maura hated to tell her favorite student she would never be a doctor, the words out of her mouth were daggers aimed at both their hearts.

"You're telling me to just give up on my dreams?" Kim was heartbroken, on the verge of tears. She had really expected Maura to change her to a passing grade. The medical examiner fidgeted uneasily at her desk.

"I'm saying that you should find a new dream."

Maura watched as Kim could no longer hold back her tears and run from the office. Maura couldn't hold back either, crying heavily into her own hands, realizing that she needed to take her own advice. She turned to open the top left drawer, grabbing a Manila envelope. Pouring it's contents onto her desk, a photo strip of Jane and Maura stared back up at her. There was a card Jane had given to her on her birthday last year, she opened it to see Jane's handwriting:

_Baby, it's been the best months of my life with you. I love you more than anything. So what did I get the dumbest genius I know who owns everything? Well I credited your online shopping profile, you could probably use another pair of shoes ;) I love you, Maur. _

There were other memorabilia of her romance with her detective. And slowly she took them, tore them in half and watched as they floated down into the trash can. With each piece gone, it was like Maura was tearing off pieces of her own heart. But that was destined to happen, Jane was like a cancer attaching itself desperately to her heart, holding on for dear life. She cried harder with each piece in the trash can, and finally she only had one photo left.

Maura stopped crying to pick up the photostrip, it had been an unexpected trip to the mall, Angela tried selling her most recent concoction. She had called Jane to pick her up, her car having been towed because she had parked in a fire zone. Jane had had enough of her mother's antics that month but reluctantly agreed, dragging Maura with her. Maura had just made a comment about how she had no photos of the couple after their months together when Jane dragged her into the photo booth and paid the steep five dollars.

It was Maura's most prized possession, besides her engagement ring, her first photo with her detective. Ripping it was like ripping apart herself, yet she forced herself to do it, to tear through her face and Jane's. It was ripping her apart at the seams, ripping Jane apart. Her heart began to throb, the things she was forcing herself to do. She gathered the bag from the can, tying it and leaving it out in the hall in front of the morgue doors for the janitorial staff. She knew if she kept the pieces staring up at her she'd try her hardest to tape herself back together.

Also in the top left drawer was the ring box for Maura's engagement ring. This would be the hardest thing she'd done besides leave Jane in Boston. But she pried the ring off her finger, surprised at how easily it came off. When it was inside the box, she'd placed it at the very back of the drawer out her sight at all times. And once it was there, it was as if Maura's heart had completely broken.

But as she had told Kim earlier, Jane was no longer her dream, there was no longer a viable spot for them to have a future together. She was with Summer, and had been holding back on her happiness waiting for Jane. Half of her always expected to open the front door and find Jane, out of breath, hair disheveled and begging for Maura to come back- she expected Jane to _fight_ for her. Yet Maura realized that in her own way, Jane was fighting for Maura- by letting her go, letting her decide how to move forward with her life. It was the best thing Jane could have ever done for Maura.

Maura lost control once the ring was gone, crying the hardest since the plane home from California. She was crying Jane and their love out of her system, out of her heart. After about an hour of her Rizzoli detox, and no other students had shown up, Maura locked up her office and the morgue and left the university. On her way home she picked up a bouquet of roses for Summer, red ones to match her favorite color.

It was time to do what had left Boston for, it was time to forgive and let go of Jane Rizzoli. Now she was going to fully commit herself to Summer Capshaw, a woman she was falling in love with. And the change did not go unnoticed by Summer.


	12. How I Lost Me,

**A/N: The next two chapters go hand in hand, their titles make one sentence in fact. So I hope you will enjoy these two chapters. Life is starting to storm up again for our couple.**

**Just want to give a a quick shout-out to the real life Summer, who gave the inspiration for helping make Maura whole. Sweetheart, you're amazing and I hope you're loving the story. Thank you for letting me bounce ideas and story plots off you!**

* * *

It was December in Washington, a thick spread of white snow enveloped everything as Maura paced back and forth in front of the airport terminal. Summer sat in a chair to her left, leafing through a bridal magazine after giving up on trying to soothe Maura's nerves. It was Christmas in two days and Cailin, Constance, and Hope were visiting. Constance had been nice enough to offer Maura's biological family seats on the family's private jet to save themselves on airfare, it would be the first time the mothers were alone together.

"Maura, stop pacing." Summer called over the top of her magazine, the plane was fifteen minutes late.

"But what if they've crashed? What if Constance and Hope fought with each other and the plane needed to land unexpectedly to get one of them medical attention?" Maura was practically on the edge of hysterics. Summer stood up and walked over to her girlfriend, pulling her in for a tight hug.

"Maura, it's just the weather that has them delayed. You know this in that knowledgeable brain of yours." Summer kissed her neck as a stewardess of the private airport approached them. Maura instantly became alert but the stewardess smiled warmly at them.

"I've just gotten off the phone with the communications tower, your plane had a brief encounter with some bad storm clouds and decided to try a different route, they're offset thirty minutes and are back on course now."

And sure enough, forty-five minutes later Cailin, Constance, and Hope walked into the airport with their suitcases. Cailin ran excitedly over to Maura, leaving her suitcase in the middle of the hall, giving Constance and Hope a feeling they could both understand. The sisters collided and hugged for at least three minutes. Cailin then hugged Summer, talking to her animatedly about psychology while Hope hugged Maura. They exchanged simple pleasantries, before the five of them walked to Maura's car, stowing their luggage in her trunk in an intricate pattern.

It was for this reason that Maura was glad she had purchased the four bedroom house at the end of the neighborhood despite Summer's protests. Each visitor would have her own room which Maura thought to be critical. The couple gave their guests time to get settled in upstairs in their rooms before converging in the large living room to talk over coffee and tea. Hope told stories of her ever exciting free clinics, Cailin talked to Maura about the harsh realities of college she had never expected, asking why professors love torturing their students.

"We just like seeing you squirm." Maura responded, and the entire group laughed. Constance then went on to describe her newest art pieces and galleries, explaining how she'd been in contact with a local gallery here in Washington. Everyone was enjoying themselves, the whole evening had been planned out and executed perfectly. Summer explained that a tradition in her family was for the entire family to help decorate the tree and since Maura's family was here she hoped they'd let her continue it. All seemed happy to help.

They seemed like a normal family around Christmas time, just enjoying each other's company when the doorbell rang. Maura looked at Summer expectantly, had any of them invited another guest? Was someone to be expected? Summer went and opened the door and screamed. Maura ran to the door to find Summer in the tight embrace of two women, they were giggling happily.

"Oh! Maura!" Summer released the women and turned around. "Maura, this is my sister, Jessica, and her wife Michelle."

Jessica walked over to Maura, extending a hand. She was taller than Maura, with long red-brown hair, tattoos around her arm and back, ears pierced multiple times and several necklaces. "Call me Jess." While Maura had never expected Summer and her sister to be completely different, she could see the family resemblance in Jessica's nose, if she ignored the piercing there.

A giggle came from the door as Michelle closed it. Michelle seemed to fit more with Maura's idea of Summer's family, pressed khaki pants with a red blouse tucked beneath a black blazer, her brown-blonde hair cropped just below the chin. She walked over to Maura, her black wedge heels clacking against the wooden floor as she grabbed Maura up in a hug. "I know we're not what you expected." She laughed. "You can call me Shell, I know we're very big on nicknames, Jess and Shell."

Maura apologized for her stunned look, explaining she hadn't been expecting them. It was then Shell's turn to apologize, her family's plans had fallen out at the last moment and Jess decided she wanted to surprise Summer. They hadn't anticipated they'd already have company and offered to stay at a hotel closer to town. "Nonsense," Maura protested. "We can have the den made up for you."

Constance appeared around the corner, taking her place at Maura's elbow. She introduced herself happily to Summer's sisters. "This will be perfect, three days for us to get to know each other's families."

Maura was then tasked with explaining her two mothers and mob boss father to Summer's family but before she could even start, Jess leaned in and whispered to her. "It's okay, we think it's cool you have a mobster father. I've already told Shell to hold in all her questions, she watches way too much Law and Order, I swear it'll kill her. I apologize in advance for anything my crazy wife says." Maura smiled as Jess walked away only to be grabbed by Shell.

"I'm sorry we interrupted your holiday. Jess can be so insistent sometimes, but she misses Summer more than she'd ever admit. Plus, we both wanted to see who had captured her heart. You're more than either of us anticipated. That's good."

Later that night, after Maura's family had all gone to bed, Summer and her sisters were sitting in the dining room with cups of coffee. Maura walked in to their lively conversation, Summer and Jess talking about old childhood memories, Shell smiling happily up at her wife. When Summer noticed Maura watching them she motioned for her to take the empty seat next to her. Maura sat down and began to participate in the conversation.

"So, Shell and Jess, how did you two meet?" Maura asked as the couple smiled brilliantly at each other.

"Well," Shell began. "I had just gotten my first job at this high school in Hawaii teaching senior year Government. The principal had asked me to do something interesting for that semester's seniors and suggested using the theatre's projection screen to watch old inaugural addresses. I thought it was a good idea and had planned some funny commentary. So I marched myself into the theatre in the middle of a class and found a student peering over a light box and said, 'Excuse me, I need you to get your teacher for me.'"

Jess smiled. "That's when I stood up from my _ground lights_ and explained sarcastically that I was in fact the teacher. Shell didn't back down and explained what she had planned for the seniors. It took three weeks for us to even agree on the placement of the podium she'd be using. When we finally had it together, I realized she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen."

"And I realized that she meshed with my personality and understood my perverse jokes."

"So when her presentation was over, I knew I needed her in my life. Her jokes had been so corny but perfect. We were cleaning up and I just asked her to dinner. Surprisingly, she said yes and I was thrilled."

Shell laughed. "She took me to this awful mexican food place down the street from the high school. They didn't even have what I wanted and there wasn't anywhere to eat it in the restaurant. So she took me on a hike to this spot above the football field."

"Okay, it was _not_ a hike!" Jess protested half-heartedly.

Shell turned to her. "When you're wearing five inch heels, everything is a hike!" Jess laughed at her and kissed her quickly. "Anyway, it was like highschool all over again, it was actually kind of perfect. And since then I've been stuck with this one, that was what? Seven years ago?"

"Eight."

"Whatever, I'm not good with dates."

"It confounds me how you're a _history_ teacher."

Shell appeared to be appalled at Jess's statement. "I am not a history teacher. I teach my students how fucked they are due to the inadequate running of the US government. There's a difference."

Jess and Summer laughed. "I guess you have a problem with Obama then?" Jess chided.

"Not really, he just has a funny name." Shell responded, kissing Jess's nose tenderly. Maura smiled at them, she hoped one day she would be sitting across from Cailin and her husband telling a similar story with Summer. A story that would confirm to everyone who looked that she was in love with Summer and had basically always been.

"How did you guys meet?" Shell asked innocently. Maura looked uncomfortable but Summer nodded at her.

"Well, my previous girlfriend, Jane, her mother lived in my guest house. When her husband left her and took all their money, the bank took her house and Jane was very upset so I offered her what I could. Angela, Jane's mother, would host a Sunday dinner every week. Since Jane was a detective and her brother, Frankie, a cop most of the people invited were from the precinct. When Jane and I broke up, I felt bad that Angela would have to try and find another place big enough for the gathering so I offered my home and usually went out to a movie."

"Where Maura ran into me, because I was trying to escape my own problems, to escape Daniel. Maura and Jane had been my patients previously, Maura sought me out because she went her whole life believing she was straight and had to deal with the new realization. We kind of just connected, practically got kicked out for talking throughout the movie. The next couple of weeks we were inseparable, it was really nice."

Maura smiled happily at Summer. "Summer was very refreshing for me."

"I can only imagine, didn't you continue to work with your ex? With Jane?" Shell asked politely.

"Yes, Jane and I did continue to work together. So for Summer to come into my life in an entirely new aspect, it felt like vacation. At first she just began to replace Jane as my best friend, but I could tell something was growing between us. It was hard for me, not to draw parallels because Jane was the first woman I'd ever fallen for but after two months of just working up the courage, I asked her out."

"And I, of course, said yes. Maura treated me to the most expensive French restaurant in all of Boston." Summer laughed. "And I couldn't even read the menu."

"I did try to help you." Maura chuckled. "In the end she just told me what she likes eating and I ordered it for her. We had wine and food and it was amazing. But we took it slow, this was new territory for both of us, I don't think we even had our first kiss until our like fifth date."

"More like the seventh, it was very endearing. She just wanted it to be special and when it happened, it was perfect. It didn't take me long to fall for her and even less to jump on a plane and move across the country with her." Summer grabbed Maura's hand.

Jess and Shell smiled at the couple, it wasn't something they'd anticipated for Summer but were glad she'd found happiness after Daniel. The couples continued to share stories and laugh well into the night. They were unaware that Constance and Hope stood at the small hallway bordering the staircase, listening to their conversations.

"I never anticipated her to be gay." Hope whispered to Constance. It was a secret she was willing to share with Maura's mother. She had always been jealous of the motherly relationships Maura had formed and hadn't tried to make with her. But it was understandable, they had not gone about their relationship in the most positive of ways.

Constance placed her hand on Hope's shoulder tentatively. She'd never been good at comforting. "You can't anticipate them to be anything, you just watch them grow and be proud of the women they turn out to be. Maura has always been so passionate about things, but quiet, always reserved."

Hope smiled. "Patrick was that way. I know you must think him a monster, but there was good in him, there _is_ good in him. It's why I fell in love with him."

"I knew Patrick. He attended one of my art classes, drew the portrait that Cailin found all those years ago. He gave Maura to me, it was no coincidence. So I understand your point of view of him. But you have to remember that to Maura, she was just abandoned, and then found she had siblings, had been replaced. Patrick was a monster to her, could never be the father that she already had. She gets her stubbornness from you, and from him."

"I just wish she would try." Hope said sadly.

"You can't force her. That's where Jane came in, they had always been such a dominating pair. Women rising through obstacles in the work place. I always assumed Jane was the big sister and best friend Maura never had. She was such a reserved child, people never quite saw the special in her. But Jane did, and began to mould her into the woman you're getting to know today. Maura is more open about herself, relaxing in her own stubbornness. Being with Jane made Maura feel impenetrable, safe. Of course Maura fell in love with her."

Hope was quiet. Maura had changed dramatically in the years she'd known her, began to make amends with her about Patrick's trial. Wanted more of a relationship with her and Cailin, asked to be involved in holidays, take care of plants or pets when they went away. Hope appreciated it all, and owed Jane several times over for pushing Maura in that direction and keeping her safe.

"But Jane broke her heart." Constance continued. "And she did the best she could to move on. There was a period there where I saw Maura as she was at eleven, a year at boarding school had hardened her, she was no longer my little girl. Perhaps she never had been. She's opening back up with Summer, and it doesn't matter to me that she's found happiness with a woman."

"It shouldn't matter to me either." Hope admitted. "But I had always imagined who she would become, who she would be married to."

"You can't expect anything of her except to be herself."

Hope met Constance's eyes. "But how? How did you learn this?"

Constance smiled, shaking her head. "You'll never believe it, but Jane Rizzoli taught me."

* * *

Jane and Tempe were walking down the cold December streets of Boston, trying to make it to Dr. Bryant's office. It had been Baylie's idea for Tempe to join them today, since it was Jane's last appointment before going undercover for an undetermined period of time. Tempe had been thrilled, she had many concerns she wanted to voice to Jane, but Jane always shot them down, changing the subject or walking out of the room. They'd been together just under a year and Jane was drifting from her grasp.

Inside the office, Jane helped Tempe shrug out of her pea coat and hung it gently upon the coat rack. It had been Jane's early Christmas present to Tempe since she would be gone by then. Jane reached out for Tempe's hand, taking it cautiously in her own, turning to see Baylie's swirling handwriting on that week's quote: _"I don't pay attention to the world ending it has ended for me many times and began again in the morning." Nayyirah Waheed._ Jane ignored it and walked into the office, the couple taking their seats on the couch. Baylie had been waiting for them.

"It's such a pleasure to meet you, Tempe!" Baylie said excitedly. "I didn't think Jane would bring you."

"I said I would, didn't I?" Jane grumbled sotto voce, Tempe smacking her playfully on the arm.

"I practically forced her to. But I had some concerns of my own to discuss with her going undercover and all Jane seems to do is change the subject or walk away." Tempe continued discussing her fears with Baylie while Jane daydreamed. She wasn't exactly thrilled to be going undercover as a drug dealers girlfriend, but this dealer had confessed to Martinez the new distributor was scary and brutal and wanted him off the streets. So Jane had been in place for a couple weeks now, making appearances, getting everyone around him used to her presence.

"Jane?" Baylie called, dragging back to reality. "Why won't you soothe Tempe's concerns?"

Jane looked at her troubled girlfriend, the hurt apparent in her green eyes. "I can't. Undercovers are dangerous, I can't promise a regular phone call, I don't even know if I'll be allowed to visit anyone. I can't soothe her concerns because I can't even soothe my own."

Baylie looked at her sympathetically. "Does your fear have anything else to do with Maura?" Jane's eyes snapped up at the name, she hadn't told Tempe whose house she lives in, whose bed they sleep in, whose past she walks in the shadows of.

"Who's Maura?" Tempe asked, her brow furrowing. Baylie immediately felt bad, assuming Jane had spoken of her previous relationships with Tempe. Jane looked at the wall and away from either woman but Tempe just became even more insistent.

"She was my previous girlfriend."

Tempe's brow remained furrowed in confusion. "I thought I was your first girlfriend?"

"I don't like talking about Maura. It's why she's never come up."

"What? Did she like die or something?"

Jane made eye contact with Baylie, hoping that she'd be able to help Jane diffuse the situation. But the look upon her face was of support, Jane would just have to come clean. So she turned toward Tempe, prepared for the upheaval. "No, Maura left me. Maura was the medical examiner I worked with at the BPD and we were best friends. We began a relationship and I- I cheated on her. So Maura left me."

"Why is that so difficult to talk to me about, Jane?"

Jane cupped Tempe's cheek. "Because we live in her house, we sleep in her bed." Tempe recoiled from Jane as if she had slapped her. "When Maura left she gave me her house, and I've left it basically the same. You had to have wondered how a cop could afford a four bedroom house with a guest house on Beacon Hill."

"Jane- this can't be. Do not tell me I fell in love with you in someone else's home."

"Tempe, I wanted to tell you but how could I? When would be a good time to say, 'oh by the way the first woman I ever loved who left me gave us this house'?"

"I just wanted you to be honest with me."

Jane paused, breathing deeply. "I'm not good at relationships, Tempe. I failed Maura and now I'm failing you. I figured keeping Maura out of our lives would be best for everyone, I'm sorry. Please, forgive me?"

Tempe made eye contact with Jane, reaching out for her hand. "This conversation is nowhere near over. But we can finish it when you come back from being undercover."

* * *

Jane missed a lot in her first two months undercover. Tommy married Lydia, Frankie got promoted to homicide and Korsak retired. As far as she knew from her updates with Angela, whom Jane reluctantly spoke to only because she was now married to her boss, Tempe was still waiting for her as promised. She kept the house tidy, sometimes Frankie stayed to give them company, and others Angela went to spend the night. Jane felt terrible for leaving her alone.

She spoke to Tempe very rarely, being girlfriend to a drug dealer named Dyson was not all she had hoped it would be. But she was quickly making her way into the inner circle, as was Dyson, and the new distributor was taking a keen eye to her. Dyson came home one day and told her that Keegan had almost commanded him to give her up to him. Thankfully Dyson had stood his ground.

Cavanaugh wanted Jane to seduce Keegan, try and get closer to him. She was doing just that when it became apparent Dyson was jealous. Didn't he know that they were _not_ a couple? The few times they kissed in public were to keep up appearances only. They faked sex twice a week by moaning and slamming on the walls. Dyson seemed to enjoy that the most. They were doing good, they were keeping on track, Jane gathering as much information as possible, Dyson's handlers keeping him in check.

But one day Dyson had been gone all day, Jane had gotten in late that night, finally making her move on Keegan. She had reluctantly slept with him, sealed the deal of their new status and relationship. Keegan said he'd break the news to Dyson and had sent her home to pack her belongings and come to him when Dyson came home. But he never came home.

Instead she got a text message from Keegan, telling her to come over. And when she did, she found her cover had been blown. Dyson had betrayed them all.

* * *

It was winding down on Maura's second year away from Boston. Once again she found herself grading term papers, happily submitting all passing grades this semester. She was closer to both her own family and to Summer's, keeping correspondence with Shell. She was about to take her lunch when Summer walked into her office with a picnic basket.

Maura smiled up at her. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I thought we could have a picnic. But since it's ridiculously cold outside, I thought we'd just do it in your office."

"Sounds perfect." The couple began clearing Maura's desk, unpacking a tablecloth and plates. Maura went to wash her hands as Summer set up, making a romantic lunch, this was going to be the day Summer discussed marriage. Maura came back happily and was surprised that her girlfriend had made her favorite french food.

They ate the first few bites in silence, Maura commenting at how delicious it was. "Maura, we need to talk." Maura was apprehensive, where would this lead? She nodded. "We've been together over two years now, and we've been doing well, but I want this to lead to more...I think... I'm finally ready to get married again."

"Oh." Maura swallowed and played with her pasta for a couple seconds. "I don't know if I'm ready for that though. I didn't think I'd get married again, Summer."

"But you've never been married."

Maura grabbed Summer's hand. "I'm not saying no, sweetheart, I'm just saying maybe not right now."

"It's because of her right?" Summer said taking back her hand. "Because of _Jane_."

"She was a very important piece of my life, you can't hold her against me. I'm trying to let her go. I've forgiven her infidelity, now I just want to move on with my life with you."

"But you don't want to marry me?"

"It's a piece of paper, Summer!" Maura stood up and began pacing. "It doesn't hold the same weight for you as it does me. I changed my entire perception on the constitution of marriage when I left Jane, when I gave her up. I'm not with her, I'm with _you_. Because I want to be with you, I'm just not ready to get married."

Maura's phone rang angrily in her desk drawer. She waited to see if Summer would respond and when she didn't Maura went to answer the phone. "Isles." She spat into the receiver, only to be greeted with sobs. "Hello?" She furrowed her brows in confusion.

"Maura?" A voice choked out.

"Yes, this is Maura Isles. Who is this?" Maura tentatively asked back, becoming uncomfortable with her caller.

"Angela Rizzoli." The sobs came harder now. _Jane_. Maura thought instinctively. Something has happened to Jane, she's dead or dying. Angela wouldn't call her unless her daughter's life was in real danger.

"Angela? What happened." Upon hearing the name, Summer sighed heavily, getting up and walking to the door but Maura chased after her. She grabbed Summer's hand, asking silently for support. Summer stayed.

"It's Jane, Maura. She's missing."

"How? Tell me everything." There was a shuffling noise.

"Maura? It's Cavanaugh."

"Thank god, Sean, what's going on?" There was silence on the other end. She could only imagine what Sean must be thinking, how do you tell your best detective's ex-fiancee that Jane is dead?

"Jane left homicide a few months after you left, she went back to the drug unit. Martinez sent her undercover to get close to a new drug dealer pushing some nasty stuff through Boston. Guy is a real hardass, pushes people past breaking points. Her contact, Dyson, was a local drug dealer who agreed to help us, we set Jane up as his girlfriend. But Dyson started getting feelings, resented that Jane was making advances to the big boss. We think he turned her in to him, she hasn't checked in and we found Dyson's body with cop lover carved into it."

Maura breathed deeply, trying to take everything in. "How long has she been missing?" At that statement Summer snapped her head in Maura's direction. This was very serious.

But now it was Sean's turn to pause. "Three months."

"She's been gone three months and no one wanted to tell me!" Maura had a hurricane on her mind. How could this happen? Why weren't they protecting her? Jane always thought herself the biggest badass of them all, but she had been hurt before, Hoyt had gotten to her three times. Jane wasn't immune to danger, she needed to be protected. Didn't they know she was the most important thing in Maura Isles's life? Jane could be anywhere with anyone, but as long as she was safe Maura was okay. "I'm on the first flight out. I'll be expecting you."

Maura hung up, making as much a hurricane of her office as was going through her head. But she had forgotten Summer, it had been wrong, playing house for almost three years. How could she have let it go this far for this long? Maura was on her way out the door when Summer's voice stopped her.

"If you go, if you just run away again, I can't promise to be here when you decide to come back." Tears were streaming down Summer's eyes, she knew Maura was leaving her behind for Jane, she had always lived in Jane Rizzoli's shadow.

"Summer, you have to do what you have to do. Jane is family, and I need to find her."

"You love her again?" Maura understood all the hurt in that single question. Wondering if it had all been a lie, had Maura ever really loved her?

"I've always loved her. And I loved you too. But Jane is how I lost me, and I refuse to leave her. To make you lose yourself over me."

Maura crossed the office and kissed Summer's forehead. Summer held Maura's hands, pulling her for a final embrace, trying to tame the storm that was now Maura Isles but it was an almost impossible task. When she finally let go, Summer kissed Maura one last time before watching her run out the door for the last time.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! I hope you liked the chapter and are looking forward to the next chapter!**


	13. And You Lost You

**A/N: Thank you for the support and patience! Here's the second part of Jane missing, hope you enjoy it! Our couple reunites next chapter!**

* * *

Jane had walked straight into a trap, she realized this now. Dyson had set her up, given away her identity as a cop. But she'd never shared her whole name or which precinct with him. While Keegan knew she was a cop, he'd never get her personal information, her fellow officers would never compromise her more. As soon as she'd shown up, Keegan had beat and tortured her for information- none of which she gave him. He then threw her into a coat closet sized room, pitch black and devoid of windows or noise.

He was trying to desensitize and break her.

But Jane Rizzoli would not break.

She measured her captivity with bruises, Keegan only beat her after the others had healed, every five to seven days. Sixteen. She'd had sixteen bruises, roughly four months. Jane had begun to relax, on this schedule she'd have three days of rest. But she was wrong.

The door to her cell flew open and Keegan kneeled before her, staring into her swollen eyes, a devilish smile plastered upon his face. "I know who you are." He spat at her, but Jane wasn't worried, they'd played this game before and he was always wrong. "Jane Rizzoli."

But as he said her name, everything inside her went cold. Someone had talked, someone had spoken and given up. He would know everything about her now, lieutenant stepfather, cop brother, girlfriend anxiously awaiting her return. Maura.

Keegan knelt closer, his breath upon her neck to whisper in her ear. "I went to your funeral." Jane shrunk into herself, they'd given upon her, assumed her dead and dismembered. Just another victim. Her family mourned her, refused to believe that she could have survived.

"Your blonde girlfriend wept like a baby." Keegan's parting words as he stood up and slammed the door shut in victory.

Once again she was enveloped in darkness, Keegan had finally succeeded in breaking her. In painting the image of Tempe sobbing over her grave, her green eyes tear rimmed and red hair blowing in the wind. But that's when it hit her, _blonde_. Keegan had said blonde hair, not red.

There was only one woman Jane knew with blonde hair who'd be at her funeral.

_Maura_. And she was here, in Boston. Jane couldn't give up knowing Maura was here, she had come back for her, for Jane. She would stay strong, stay alive for one more chance to see Maura.

* * *

Maura had been the last to agree to the funeral. Angela and Tempe were like two halves of one whole- the whole who'd given up on Jane Rizzoli. Tommy had gone next, saying even Janie couldn't hold out that long. Frankie had physically attacked him, threatening his life but all he'd done was give Tommy a black eye, scare TJ and make his niece, Sarah, cry.

The brothers had yet to resume speaking to each other. Jane's therapist, Baylie Bryant, had made a house call at Tempe's request and had gotten aboard too. She spouted some psychobabble about how a funeral without a body would bring closure, would have enough weight and significance to help Angela and Tempe. For Frankie and Maura all it brought was pain.

But pain was something Maura had quickly gotten used to. Her first day back in Boston, she had directed the cab driver to her old home on Beacon Hill, standing outside the house wondering if Jane had changed the locks. And with the turn of her old key, Maura walked back into her house, virtually unchanged in the two years she'd been gone. She abandoned her suitcase and designer duffle bag at the door, climbing the stairs to their old bedroom.

While Maura's furniture was exactly the same, Jane had made the space her own, re-hanging pictures from when they were together and new posters of the Red Sox. Jane's clothes were still laying in heaps of dirty and clean, untouched for months, her spare boots haphazardly thrown in the door to the walk in closet.

But Maura hadn't seen the feminine clothes worn by Tempe strewn in those piles, a pair of high heels way too dangerous for Jane to attempt under the reading chair in the corner. And when she entered her old walk-in closet, she began to cry, seeing Jane's clothes in the spaces they had been before Maura had left. Ignoring the fact that another woman's clothes took up Maura's space.

The blonde grabbed Jane's favorite BPD t-shirt and held it up to her face, deeply breathing in Jane's scent. She backtracked to the bed, climbing in on her side, smelling Jane once again on her old pillows. It took everything Maura had within her not to lose herself completely. She heard the door slam shut, assuming it was Angela, thankful for the purposeful footsteps she heard climbing the stairs. But it was not Angela who opened Jane's bedroom door, it was a tired looking woman with red hair and green eyes.

"Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my room?" The woman yelled at her.

Maura sat up slowly, looking to apologize for the situation. "I'm sorry, this must be difficult for you. Let me try and explain who I am."

Maura heard the door close again, hoping this time it was actually Angela. "Why do you have my girlfriends shirt? Why were you sleeping on our bed?" The woman just got louder and angrier, reminding Maura of an out of control Jane. This time Angela did appear in the doorway, surprised at the show down between the women.

"Oh thank goodness, Angela!" Maura cried. The redhead looked anxiously at Angela who passed her and swept Maura up in a hug.

"_Maura_. You came." The red head froze visibly at the name.

"So _you're _Maura." Tempe spat as Angela released her. "The infamous Maura. The woman who succeeded in breaking _my _Jane Rizzoli."

"Tempe..." Angela warned.

"You forget who was hers first." Maura spat back, standing up from the bed, Jane's shirt still clutched in her hands.

Tempe just snorted. "Jane is _mine_."

"No. Jane belongs to herself. _I_ belong to her." Maura sank to her knees and cried, pulling Angela with her. "It's been three years and she still owns me, still holds my heart in the palm of her hands. And she'll never know how much I love her."

"YOU LEFT HER!" Tempe screamed, stepping closer to Maura.

"I had no other choice!" Maura defended. "She broke _me_, and I had to fix myself. I don't need to defend my actions to you. I left because I loved her too much to stay and hate her."

Tempe quieted as Angela rubbed Maura's back. She had never belonged to the Rizzoli family, had always lived in this woman's shadow and now she was back.

"Get out." Tempe spat quietly. Both women looked up at her. "This is no longer your home. So get out."

That had been a month ago, Maura staying in Frankie's apartment. Jane's apartment. She'd needed to be surrounded by Jane and her old apartment held so much of her, Frankie never getting around to decorating. Maura had been in pain since finding Tempe living in her home. She had never expected Jane to actually find someone but couldn't blame her for it either. Maura had been the first to move on and could not expect to find Jane waiting for her.

Frankie had been thrilled to have Maura back, attending to whatever needs she could manage to find for him. They stayed up late most nights, Maura sleeping on Jane's old couch, submerging herself in the detective's scent. During one of their late nights, Frankie admitted the funeral would be beneficial to the rest of the family, to his mother. She tried to protest but he had reassured her that Korsak, Cavanaugh, Susie and himself were not giving up- they were just pretending.

So they consented to her funeral.

Somewhere deep inside she knew Cavanaugh was hoping this would make Keegan release Jane, or let him slip up and she could escape. But after six months since Jane had disappeared, even the hardest of hearts were giving up. It was just Frankie and Maura bearing the torch for Jane Rizzoli.

* * *

He had stopped beating her once she became violently ill. That was twenty-three bruises ago. She had lost all ability to tell time, to determine how long Maura believed her dead. She could only hope that Maura was still in Boston, that she hadn't just flown down with Summer for her funeral. Jane wondered who had called her, if Cavanaugh had told her the truth. That her body did not really rest in the empty coffin, but was instead lost to them all.

But the doctor Keegan brought in to help her let it slip that she'd been in captivity for just under six months. The doctor prescribed medications and told Keegan she needed more sleep and nutrients, that her body was in effect shutting itself down. Yet Jane didn't fully believe that was everything happening with her body. And Keegan complied, he brought her a sleeping bag and pillow, allowed her multiple bathroom breaks for her now tiny bladder, she was able to configure a floor plan in her head.

Jane just continued to get worse. She was sick in the mornings regularly now, some of the foods they brought her made her throw up with a single inhale of their scent. Her ankles and feet became swollen even though she was barely on them, Keegan had to buy her knew slip on shoes. She didn't understand why he wouldn't just kill her, just get it all over with, why would he want a sick woman he needed to take care of laying around? Wasn't she some sort of liability?

But it wasn't until the seventh month that she truly understood.

* * *

Maura moved back into her home after being in Boston for three months. After the funeral, Tempe didn't have a reason to stay, she hadn't belonged to the Rizzoli family. The only one who had truly liked and accepted her surprisingly was Angela. When Maura had left and Jane had been broken, her mother finally understood why Jane was so hesitant to love. She'd always been let down, abandoned.

Grant had gotten her hopes up and then left for a job in Washington to play with the big boys, showing Jane she'd always been picked last. Dean had let her push him away after the Paddy Doyle incident, never fighting back for her as he'd promised. Casey left her again and again, always coming back into her life and making her hope. But he'd abandoned her on their wedding day and never looked back. Everyone had hoped Maura would be different, but in the end she had left too. So Angela had thrown herself at Tempe making her feel welcome.

And when she left, unable to stand Maura's presence with the family, the way she'd fit so seamlessly and no one questioned it, no one resented her. Angela had been completely mortified. But to Frankie, Tommy, Sean and Maura, it was understandable. The Rizzoli's were a hard family to fit into, you had to be cut exactly to match their puzzle pieces and Tempe just hadn't managed to find a reason to stay. So Maura had moved back into her home with the Rizzoli family.

She moved through her house listlessly, never quite knowing until then how much life Jane had brought. The blonde was comfortable with silence, found pleasure in it even- but Jane couldn't handle the absence of noise the same. She was constantly fidgeting to make noise, humming, tapping her fingers on the counter tops, rustling papers. Maura used to smile at those things, it was a mechanism Jane used to make herself not feel alone. If there was no noise your brain made things up and Maura knew what terrible things could lay in wait in Jane Rizzoli's subconscious.

But knowing Jane was not there and would never be coming back was taking it's toll. The silence was overwhelming to Maura, it told her that she _was _alone. Despite the way she had made her home a shrine to Jane, it was almost uninhabitable by others. Maura found herself snapping at people who moved pillows or blankets to sit on the couch, or the slightest inch of a coaster moved to the left. She had precisely measured and remembered the way Jane had placed items around the home.

That unamusing Tuesday, Maura had poured herself a glass of wine and set a beer on Jane's coaster, settling in at the new television to watch the recorded World Series game, the game in which the Red Sox won. Jane would have been elated for days with that win, screaming at the top of her lungs. So Maura settled in, using Jane's jersey as a blanket that still smelled of her and watched the game. She found she talked to herself when Jane wasn't around, her comments went unheard, her jokes always falling flat.

Halfway through the game her doorbell rang. Maura hadn't been expecting any visitors, and anyone who knew them had a key or just opened the door- what was the point of locking it now? She got up to open it, carrying Jane's jersey in her hands. Confusion was the first emotion that spread upon her face when Shell and Jess stood on her front porch. Then she was surprised. In their brief emails, Maura had only mentioned Jane had been abducted and she had left Summer to return to Boston. That had been six months ago at the beginning of everything.

"Maura." Shell whispered. The woman who stood before them was not the happy professor they'd met the previous year with their sister. Maura had lost weight, at least a dress size; deep, dark circles under her eyes. But when they looked into her eyes, they were lifeless. Maura was so tired and broken and in immeasurable agony. She would never give up, never let go of Jane until her dead body was on her old autopsy table.

Maura noted that the couple had changed as well, Jess in a pair of dark yet comfortable skinny jeans and t-shirt with black Vans. Shell was relaxed in light blue jeans with rolled up cuffs and patterned shirt beneath a plain black jacket, she had flats on. They were much more relaxed, their hands entwined, standing on Maura's doorstep. She wondered if something had happened to Summer or if they were there to tell her how much of a bad person she was.

"Please, come in." It was a half-hearted invitation, she drug herself back to her spot on the couch as soon as the words had left her lips. The couple bickered outside for a few moments before entering, closing the door quietly behind them. Jess walked into the kitchen to sit at the island, this was something Shell had needed and wanted to do. While the women were both incredibly dominant personalities, Jess knew this was her wife's fight.

"Maura? What happened to you?" Shell asked quietly, taking Jane's spot on the sofa.

When Maura looked at her it was as if she saw straight through her. There was very little left of the medical examiner, each day she got out of bed and made herself presentable in the hopes that Jane would come home. And each day she never did. "What happened to me? Jane happened. She came here and she made me love her and then she left."

Jess snorted at the island. "More like you left."

Maura turned to look at the brunette, pain seeping into each pore on her face, becoming visible to a hardened Jess. "I'm sorry for hurting Summer. I did love her."

"Did being the operative word there."

"If Shell left you, and years later after you've rebuilt yourself and found a new life and family she decided to come back into your life, would you hesitate for a single second?"

Jess made eye contact with Shell. They'd had their problems, all the fights, the yelling and throwing of objects, the bruises they'd worn from sharp edges meeting their skin. It was not a perfect union but they'd always presented a united front, always found themselves falling upon one another. Shell held Jess together, all the small pieces that had fractured and chipped off over the years her wife super glued back together. Shell would always have her heart, and if she left Jess would crumble. But she was a true masochist, in the same position Jess wouldn't have done anything differently.

"No, I wouldn't hesitate." She said painfully, turning her head away. Shell reached out to touch Maura's knee.

"We're _not_ here to question or doubt your loyalties, Maura. You became my friend a year ago and despite my wife's or my own obligation to our sister, she'd want us to help you. _We _want to help you."

Maura met her sympathetic eyes. "How on earth could you help me?"

"You are not alone in your struggle, we are going to be here everyday, help you reintegrate yourself back into your life. We met with Frankie, I've got to say he's a strong one." Shell smiled fondly, remembering how warm and open he had been to them. "He's arranged for you to go back to work, have your old job back."

Maura snorted. "Like I could walk into that building every day knowing she's not there. Walk into the bullpen and see her dusty, empty desk. Be bombarded with every memory, every look and touch we shared there. Why don't you just take some scalpels and cut me open instead?"

Jess sighed from the island. "Shell is right, you need to start moving on with your life. We don't believe that Jane is dead either, but when she comes back, she isn't going to be able to glue you and herself back together. You of all people can see how this is the most logical option, it won't be easy, but after everything you've been through, I doubt anything could be worse."

Maura did see Jess's point, agreed with her. So she accepted the couple's offer to help her make herself whole again. They started simple, moving into one of Maura's extra bedrooms. They rearranged Maura's entire home one night without warning, removing most of Jane's items from the spaces. Shell held Maura as she broke down, unable to accept that not only was Jane gone but now her belongings were gone too.

They tried to assure her that Jane's things weren't _gone, _just moved. Shell had transformed one of the bedrooms into a space for everything Jane Rizzoli. A place Maura could go and be surrounded and loved by Jane, a space all her own. And slowly, day by day, week by week, Maura got better. She became more herself, moved Sunday dinners back into her home. Finally, after a month and half, she went back to work. She faced Jane's empty desk first, Cavanaugh clearing the bullpen for the event. After an hour, Maura composed herself and walked into Cavanaugh's office to fill out reinstatement paperwork.

Getting back into the swing of things at work was difficult but rewarding, she was working with Frankie who provided similar banter as Jane had. The cases were intriguing and allowed her to fill her mind with other things. After almost nine months, Maura felt whole and complete again. She visited Jane's gravestone often, Shell and Jess convincing her that while they all believed Jane was alive, if she never came back this would help Maura find solace and comfort.

When Shell and Jess left after two months, Maura was forever grateful for their help and that they'd put their lives on hold to fix hers. So when Frankie got fed up at the nine month mark that nothing had been done to find Jane he told Maura he was going undercover to find her. Cavanaugh and Martinez allowed it, Frankie was the only officer from the drug unit whose cover hadn't been compromised in the area Jane was working. He left only days after Shell and Jess and once again Maura was alone.

* * *

Keegan had been suspicious of every new dealer to enter his stretch of territory since he'd found Jane was a cop. Each dealer was demanded to come straight to Keegan and subject themselves to background checks and allow their lives to be turned upside down. This newest dealer was no different. Keegan had worked with Frankie before, and Frankie had been caught four years ago and sentenced to five years in a maximum security prison but was out a year early thanks to good behavior.

While he was happy to see his old friend, he was still suspicious. After a few weeks of digging around, Frankie's story checked out, he was who had said he was all those years ago. Yet to truly test his loyalty, Keegan decided to show Frankie his prized possession. When Keegan opened the door and the light shone on Jane's face, Frankie wasn't quite convinced it was his sister, she looked completely different. Her face was sunken in, she'd lost quite a bit of weight, her already slender frame was skeletal. But when her eyes met his, he knew he'd finally found her, that he had been right in never giving up.

* * *

It was the best and worst day of her life. Frankie had found her, had come for her. But Keegan had witnessed it, the way their eyes met and the recognition was instantaneous, the way his body leaned in to her protectively and tried to pull back. She stayed huddled in her corner trying not to move, trying to keep herself from throwing up again. But her leg decided to cramp up at the wrong time and she began to rearrange herself into a more comfortable position.

As she moved, it felt like her stomach was on fire, her entire body was in pain and on fire. She looked up at Frankie, her face contorted in pain. It took everything he had within him not to bend down and help her as he had always done when Jane became injured. Instead it was Keegan who helped her through the pain, wiped away the sweat from her brow.

She pushed away the sleeping bag from her body and showed her entire frame, Frankie's eyes stopping at her bulging abdomen. It was evident to Frankie that after all this time, for nine months of living in a coat closet, Jane had been pregnant. And in the middle of a hot Boston summer, her baby decided it was time. The look on Keegan's face told Frankie he had no idea how to help a baby be born so he dropped to his knees, remembering all the things Maura and poured into both their brains on the births of babies.

After several hours of painful labor, Jane was ready to push, was ready to be done with the day and move on with life. But Frankie was there with her, holding her hand as she prepared to bring a baby into the world, a baby neither of them had ever imagined. And when it was all over, Frankie only got a small glimpse of his second niece, handing over the baby to Jane. She had a daughter.

Keegan looked disappointed in the new baby, he wanted a baby boy to run the business when he was old and tired. Instead he had a beaten cop and her daughter. He stood up, walking out of the closet in frustration, Frankie and Jane heard him throwing things against walls.

"What will you name her?" He asked her quietly, still holding her hand supportively.

Jane stared at her daughter, her dark brown hair clumped around her head, already thick and unruly. But her eyes were hazel, like Keegan's had been, like Maura's were. And just like that, her thoughts always came back to Maura.

"Isla." She replied quietly. "Isla Marie Rizzoli."

She met Frankie's eyes, and he nodded at her, answering her silent question. Maura was still here, still believed she was alive. Now it was up to Frankie to rescue his sister and niece.

* * *

**Thank you for the support! **


End file.
